long-term

I'd like to write something on here as to not let too much time pass without posting but I don't feel like writing about anything. It's not that I lack topics, thought, because I could tell you all about my new noise-cancelling headphones, the great book I just started reading or Arcane's season two. I could even talk about my favourite coworker who said I was his favourite coworker or how it snowed a lot the other day and I quite liked it. But I just can't. I start writing something and, almost immediately, it feels like too much. Like, there's too much to write about and I feel at loss. And it's kinda the same thing with everything else. As soon as I think that something will take too much time to do, I feel overwhelmed and I literally can't do it. That's why I'm struggling so much with watching movies nowadays or even writing The Brief History. I can't do anything for too long but, at the same time, I spend my days doing nothing but watching stupid true crime videos and playing a dumb game on my phone. And I feel so tired. As always. I just wish I wasn't so afraid of long-term commitments. Even if the long-term commitment in question is an hour and forty minutes-long movie or writing my story. I can't even focus on watching a show week by week. I can't feel excited about it because it takes too much time and I lose interest. It's so frustrating!

Anyway, I'm going to sleep now because I'm just so exhausted. 

busy bee

 What have I been up to in the last six days you might ask? I read four books (three of which weren't that good but fun nonetheless and one I really liked), watched the second season of The Sex Life of College Girls (OH MY GOD) and the two first episodes of Arcane season two (WHAT???????????), went to a Royel Otis show with Christine (it was really great even if we were right by the sound system), changed my bedsheets (finally) and, of course, worked! Thankfully, tomorrow is the last day before the weekend. I truly can't wait. I'm so, so tired. I know I always say that I'm exhausted but it's not my fault if it's how I feel most of the time... My mom bought vitamins so I might start taking them and I should get a new light therapy lamp soon...

Also, my computer is officially dying. I don't know what will break first: the system or the outside. Everytime I close and open the screen, there's a little part that creaks and breaks. There's a spot on my screen where I can't click on even if my mouse shows. The problem is, I don't have money. Like, I really, REALLY, don't have ANY money right now. I have many, many late unpaid bills piling up, I've even been prosecuted because of one of them. I owe my friends so much money and I know they don't mind if I give it back to them later than I said I would but it still bothers me greatly. On top of that, my headphones died too. Like, the left side doesn't work anymore. And we're still so far from the end of the month... 

I know everything will be fine once I've been paid but... I'm so sick of living this way. From paycheck to paycheck, spending most of my month without any money on my account because I had to pay for late bills and everything's gone by the first of the month. I hope my new salary will help me but it's still not much, honestly. Since I'm not working full-time, I can't expect more thought. It'll have to do. 

My brain is mush so I'm going to lay in bed and play games on my phone while listening to some dumb youtube video. Good night!

daily blogging...

 Once again, I'm not having a really great day. I feel so exhausted and anything annoys me... Thankfully tomorrow is my last work day before the weekend. I've finished the second season of The Sex Lives of College Girls today and I can't wait for the third season... It's going to be such a shit show! Tomorrow I'll start my Arcane rewatch before season two... I've missed them all so much... Viktor... My beloved... 

I'm going to sleep right now because I have a migraine and I'm so fucking tired... But I wanted to blog a bit before because I'd like to blog everyday, even if it's only a short post. I just want to share what's on my mind.

clean hair

 I took an everything shower but it didn't heal me. Only washed my hair and made me smell good. I feel so sad and depressed today. But, at the same time, I feel alright. I have kind of a breakdown this afternoon and I think it's because I felt overwhelmed. I'm trying to learn why I'm reacting in certain ways to certain things. I'm scared of putting too much emphasis on my autism diagnostic and not enough on myself. Where does the autism ends and Sarsh begins? 

On other news, I've started watching The Sex Lives of College Girls and I really enjoy it! I'm at episode 4 and my favourite is Whitney, I think. I like the four of them, really, but I'm waiting to see their growth. I kinda don't like Mindy Kaling's writing and stuff and some jokes really don't land with me but I'll see how it goes. Never Have I Ever is one of my favourite shows so I thinks she can make good stuff... 

I'm going to sleep, now. It's only 9pm but I'm exhausted. Tomorrow is a day off but my niece and nephew are coming over so it won't be a peaceful day... 

Thanks for reading. Bye!!<333

creativity

 I'm trying to write. I so badly want to continue telling The Brief History but it's so hard. I try to do as my therapist told me; letting go of my expectations and just writing. Putting down words without giving too much thoughts about them. It's hard. So, so hard. My creativity is like a scared, wild animal. Everytime I try to catch it, it slips out of my hands and hides further away from me. What am I supposed to do with this writer block? How can I fight it? 

I tried writing non-related stuff but it didn't work. Same goes for writing little snippets of my story, not caring of where or when they're supposed to stand in the timeline. I feel like nothing works. How am I supposed to call myself a writer when I can't fight against the writer block, ADHD, depression and autism beating my ass? I thought it was because of my meds but I don't think it's the truth. I have to find a way out of this. I have to find something to get me to write again. 

I really, really miss the times when I could write and write and write and write with little to no worries about what I put down. I was just writing everything in my head, directly down on the paper. Or my phone's notes app. Then I started to lose myself. I hope I'll find my spark back soon. Please. 

At least, I can write on here again. This whole rebranding of my blog really helped me with that. If only I could find something similar to do with my story! But it's not like I want to give up on these characters or write something else. I love them so dearly, I want to give them my all... 

perfectionism

 Yesterday, my therapist told me that I was a perfectionist. I never considered myself as such since I tend to give up on stuff before even finishing them and always working as little as possible. But she told me that was because I didn't want to put efforts in things I know won't be perfect, or good enough in my opinion. I'm not sure I'm explaining it well here because I'm tired and my brain isn't working but the way she said it, I totally understood what she meant. I don't put effort in the things I do because it means if it's not perfect, at least I didn't lose too much time or energy dealing with that. 

It's the same reason as for why I'm struggling so much with my creativity. I want to make great art, stuff that pleases my idea of beauty and greatness but I don't feel like I'm ever good enough to do so. And so, I don't draw, I don't write, I don't make anything because it means I won't have to be disappointed. 

I have to try and change this behaviour but it's easier said than done. I wish I could just fuck it, open Word and start writing the chapter 6 of The Brief History but it's been four months and I just can't. I wish I could open Procreate, pick up my pen and doodle stupid shit but I can't. My brain is my worst enemy. It's so tiring to live life this way. 

My therapist also told me that ADHD can cause this kind of behaviour and it's not only because of my perfectionism. I have to put my heart and mind in the same place and not on two different paths, or something like that. I get what she's saying but, once again, I don't think I can do it. Not now. Not yet. One day I'll probably be able to trick my brain into doing the stuff I want but these days I'm only its victim. 

I have a four-days weekend and I have things to do. I have to clean up my room and tidy a lot of things. I have to take a shower. I have to send emails and eat real meals and I'd like to write more than blog posts. I don't think I'll do any of that, thought. I know if I think this way then I'll never get anything done but you have to understand I'm exhausted. Currently, as I'm writing this, I'm thinking about getting back into bed and I'll probably do after I'm done blogging. I'll take a pack of chocolates and cuddle with my cat, watching youtube videos or a tv show. Nothing interesting. It's sunny outside but I don't want to get out. I don't want to talk to anyone. 

Yesterday, my therapist also talked to me about masking. Since she told me she was 99.9% sure that I'm autistic, she's been talking a lot about what it means and how I can deal with it. She explained that I've been masking for so long I'm probably not even aware of it. That's why everything always wears me out so much. I can be fine in any given situation then feel out of the world for days afterwards and that's because I was masking without knowing. I think I recognize myself a lot in that. Acting in certain ways, feeling alright at a certain time and then feeling down without knowing why... That's my life. I'm not yet sure of how I'm supposed to not mask or if I'll be able to stop doing it one day. Maybe I'll find other coping mechanisms that help me more. I wish I could live my life without feeling this exhaustion. I wish I could enjoy the good moments without thinking about the next thing. 

A few years ago, my ex-therapist talked to me about autism and it scared me. I think I wasn't as aware of my mental health and state as I am now. Being depressed was still scary and I was shy about it. I didn't know how to talk about it with my friends or other people. Autism seemed even worse than that. Maybe one day I could get rid of my sadness but if I was on the spectrum, it was a life sentence. When I told my friends back then, they told me it wouldn't change anything. Some of them are also on the spectrum but we never really talked about it. I couldn't think about it. For me, it was something that only happened to others. I did some tests and they came out insufficient. I was just under the red line separating me from autism. Just as I was just under the red line of a high intellectual potential. 

Just as I was just under the red line for everything all my life. 

For years, I thought there was something wrong with me. I always thought it was my fault for not being like others. For being different. For not being able to fit in. That was because I was too shy, too much of a coward. Because I never took any risk ever. And it probably is the case. But I can also say it's because of how I'm trying to be. Someone I'm not. I'm not sure if what I'm saying makes any sense but it's okay. You don't need to get it. I do. What I'm trying to say is there was never something wrong with me, per say. It was just my way of living this life in a way that didn't suit me. I changed a lot throughout the years and I evolved but some things stayed the same within me. 

It's not the autism versus myself. I have to accept this part of me as I accepted the depression and the ADHD. I have to see that because I'm on the spectrum, it doesn't have to mean anything but what I am. There are so many differences between autistic people. Just like everyone else in the world is different, too. I'm not autistic, depressed, mentally ill or anything. In the end of the day, I'm just me and I have to learn how to live with that. I think that's the hardest thing about all of that. I've spent so much time searching for what was wrong with me in order to fix it, I never thought all I had to do was to accept who I am first. 

My therapist asked me if I was mad it took 25 years to diagnose me. I don't think I am. I know some people live all their life without ever knowing. I know people who learn about it when they're children and are treated differently because of it. And people who know and live normal lives. I don't think there's a standard with autism. The way I act can be so different from how my friends on the spectrum can react. Just like with my friends who aren't on the spectrum. 

I only wanted to write a little blog post about perfectionism and I went on a rant about autism but I think I needed to exteriorise these thoughts. I'm not sure I'm making any sense but it's okay. I don't mind. And now, I'm crawling back into bed.

lazy tuesday

 I did nothing all day but make sims and be sad... ENOUGH! I took a shower and now I have to eat but I lack so much energy and motivation... I wish they could invent food that'd make you feel great....... I know vegetables exist. And fruits. If only eating an apple didn't feel so tiring... I miss my apple era... 

To be honest, I miss being able to focus on one (1) thing and being obsessed with it. All my obsessions come and go, they never last long and I can feel them slipping through my fingers. Where has gone the Sarsh who sat in front of a computer and wrote forty pages about Azula? Where is she? I miss her. I miss when my mental illnesses didn't constrain me. When I could analyze and say somewhat interesting stuff. Nowadays, I feel like I lost my ability to be smart. Not that I've ever been a genius but I think I can't use my brain the same... 

Anyway, I'll probably eat cereals and go to sleep soon because I'm reaaaaally tired and tomorrow I have a BIG day! 8am-5pm! I'm not used to working such hours anymore... But at least I'll probably sign my JOB CONTRACT!!! Because I might not be interesting Sarsh right now but I'm EMPLOYED SARSH!!

little things

 Someone mowed the lawn outside my building so, everytime I walk on it, there are lots of grass sticking on my shoes ; I painted my nails black ; I went to my internship this morning and saw a cute lizard on the way home ; I found old pants that fit me nicely and it made me happy ; Henriette slept all night by my side and, for the first time in days, I didn't have a nightmare, it's without a doubt thanks to her. 

I was tired this morning then happy when I arrived at WORK because I'll soon be EMPLOYED and then I came home and I felt annoyed and pissed off for no reason. I wanted to write but I couldn't so I tried to create a new OC on the Sims (because I can't draw anymore) for The Brief History. She's a popstar who has beef with Barnabé but I'm still trying looks and ideas for her... I'd like for her looks to not match her personality but without falling too much into caricatures or stuff like that. Her name will probably be something like Rosalina Valentine but it'll only be her stage name. Like Chappell Roan. To be honest, I'd like this popstar to be like Chappell Roan if she existed back in 2006. Which might be easy but I have to admit I don't have a lot of cultural awareness of what was happening with music back then. I have to do some research but I never really know how or where to look... But that's a me problem. 

Anyway, tomorrow I'm not working because I have an appointment and my manager thought it'd be better that I come all day on Wednesday... I'm not a huge fan of full-days at work but I couldn't say no because they needed me all day so... Yeah. It'll be tiring but I'll survive. In the meantime, I'll have to make a few applications before my appointment. And I have to update my curriculum... And I'd like to write! Please let me write! Why can I rant and rant and rant but as soon as I try to use my brain to create anything, it's empty and blank? Let me write! I miss my OCs! I miss my story! I also miss my friends' reactions to what I write! I hope I'll get my creativity back before 2025. 

Jodie

 Since yesterday, I keep thinking about the people that aren't in my life anymore. Especially my old best friends. The one I miss the most is Jodie, my best friend when I was like twelve. The weird thing about her is that I absolutely don't remember how she was and what we used to do together. I found old pictures on us but I can't replay the memories. What led us to smile like this, to laugh this way together? I miss her dearly but we stopped talking so long ago... For no particular reason, too. Only life, I guess. We were fourteen and we went on separate ways. I never reached out because I was always afraid of bothering her and she never sent me any text. 

At the time, I think I was toeing the line between "I want to be her" and "I want to be with her". I genuinely think, after looking back, I had some kind of crush on her or something. I just cared so much about her that it hurt sometimes. She was my best friend in the world, she was the prettiest girl, so cool and kind and fun! My crush had a crush on her. All the guys had a crush on her. She was one of the cool kids and, thanks to her, I wasn't bullied too much by other kids at school. I wasn't as half pretty as her nor as smart as her but she kept me close to her and it meant the world to me. We used to do almost everything together but I can't remember what everything was. 

I remember us seating all afternoon on a bench, not needing anything more to have fun. I remember us going to her house, playing video games, watching movies and laughing about boys. The choir camps where we sat together at every meals and slept in the same bunk beds. She curled my hair once and it made me feel so pretty I took a hundred of selfies. We went shopping once and I treasured the clothes we bought together because she told me she liked them. Her dog whose name was the same as a kid from my class. I miss her from times to times but, since yesterday, I miss her even more. I have so many regrets. I wish I'd never let her get away. I wish we could've stayed friends all those years instead of taking separate routes. 

I know she's doing alright these days because one of my friends, Claire, follows her on Instagram so I got some news a few years back. She seems to really enjoy life and it makes me so happy for her. 

I wish I could have more memories of us. More videos than pictures. More happiness than regrets. I know I could try and reach out but I'm terrified. What if she doesn't remember me? What if she doesn't really care about me anymore? It's been more than ten years, now. Maybe we're too different now to get along. She's always been more mature than me. I'm just a sad twenty something blogging on a sunday night because I have nothing else to do. 

I'll always think about her, I guess. At times when I'm sad and I have regrets about the things I did and the ones I didn't when I was a teenager. The people I lost because I was too anxious to be a good friend.

I'm just a little bit sad today and I keep thinking about her and I found some pictures of us and it made me ponders about my memories of her. There's so scarce... I don't want to lose the few I have. I hope time will be kind with me and won't make me forget her because I'd like to keep her close to me forever. In the only way I can. In my head. 

status quo...

Alright, I met with my childhood best friend this afternoon and things went exactly as I thought they would. Meaning, we had a good time but I know why I stopped being friends with her. 

I don't think she's a bad person or anything but maybe I'm too woke. As soon as I arrived, we went into her car where there was a Starbuck cup in the cupholder... And a McDonald bag in the backseat... I mean, maybe I'm just too woke. After, we went to eat at a cute mountain little restaurant and started talking about everything we had missed in the last ten years. She told me a lot of personal stuff I won't tell here because it's not my place but she told me she had discovered a WONDERFUL AUTHOR named....... Colleen Hoover.

I kid you not I had to give my everything to not pull a face. Like... What do you mean your favourite author in 2024 is fucking Colleen Hoover? And she was soooo sad to have missed that awful movie's release, too. That's the moment I knew there was no way I could ever go back to being friends with her. 

I know it may seem all very childish and pretentious but I just had such a weird vibe coming off from her... And again, I didn't had a bad time with her! It was fine, walking down memory lane, but yeah... One afternoon is enough. I don't see myself spending everyday or even every other weekend with her and her friends. 

She told me we should do stuff together and I said "Yes, it would be fun" but it's only because I don't know how to tell her I don't really like her... And, to be honest, I don't think I ever did. When we were kids we were always, truly ALWAYS, arguing about everything and nothing. We never stopped as we grew up, still finding faults in each other in every little way. It was always tiring to be with her. I've also been a bad friend in many way towards her, I know. That's mainly the reason why I slowly stopped talking to her.

Also, at one point, she told me I was the weirdest girl in our group back then. Like, she told me she was talking about me with someone and that person said "Sarah the Crazy one?"... I'm sure she didn't mean it to be offensive but it wasn't said in a nice way. What do you mean people refer to me as the crazy, weird one? Sure, I wasn't popular or anything but we were literally a group of outcasts! We all were supposed to be weird and off putting. Once, they locked me up outside at my own birthday party as a joke but it wasn't funny! I never said anything about it! Ugh. 

But, yeah, alas I don't know what the future will be made of. We'll see! I just hope she won't cling to me once again as she once did... I know I should tell her outwardly that I don't really enjoy her company but how am I supposed to say that in a not-hurtful way? I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to be a bad guy but I also don't want to waste my time and mind on someone I don't really like... I'm too old for this shit I think. I have to stop being that way... 

Anyway, as I said, we'll see what happens! 

a blast from the past

 Today, I'm meeting with my oldest friend! She was my childhood best friend since birth, by default as we lived next to each other. Over the years, we stopped seeing each other a lot and then reconnecting again and again due to moving away and stuff. Then, ten years ago, I kinda stopped talking to her because she pissed me off a bit. Last August, she sent me a text to see if I was interested to see her again and I said yes. I'm truly curious of what she's become. And I kinda want to show her how cool I am now, lmao. So I'm going to my favourite city in the world (the one where I was born) and see her for the first time in a decade. I'll let you know how it went! I hope it'll be good.  

nostril

Alright so, my mom told me my piercing might be infected.. Noooo... I put some cream on it and I'll keep on taking care of it, hoping it won't become worse... Pleak pleak pleak I think I'll be really pissed and sad if I have to take it off, I love it so much! I used to hate my nose and ever since a few years back I started to love it but it really is thank to my septum and, now, my nostril... 

little miss EMPLOYED

So, yesterday I started writing an umpteenth article about my internship, telling you guys how much I liked it and how sad I was to see it end, next week.  I drafted it, thinking I'd finish it today but, as it turns out, I won't need to tell you I'm sad because THEY HIRED ME!!!!!!!!!

Let me write that again. 

THEY HIRED ME!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I'm so happy! It's only for a few months but it's more than what I've got since my last job so... A win is a win! And maybe, by then, they'll realize they need me too much and they'll keep me longer... I can only hope. But, yeah, I'm so grateful for them! My manager told me they needed someone for the reception of the Museum (all I have to do is greet the visitors and give them infos and stuff about the Museum) and they liked me so they thought of me for that... It makes me so glad! I was so afraid of being weird or acting in a strange manner and maybe they didn't like me but turns out they don't hate me! They like me well enough to keep me around longer! My heart is so full of great feelings... 

And, to add on top of the good news, yesterday my step-mother told me my dad has been found guilty of his crimes and so he might go to jail! It's either jail or paying his debts but since he doesn't have any money I hope he'll go rot in a cell for at least a few years... I don't know how long his sentence will be but I hope it'll be veeeeery long... Please, please, please let me get what I want! 

But yeah, it's overall a really, really great day and it's only 1pm! I can't believe it! I'm still a bit scared that something will go wrong and they won't be able to hire me or something but I have to keep a positive mindset! 

I'VE GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I'll spend my afternoon looking up stuff to add to my blog while watching something and dream about my new job... I can't wait to be Monday! Well, better than that, I can't wait to be Thursday because I have a therapy appointment and I just know my therapist will be THRILLED to hear that I got a job!

friday the thirteenth

 I'm feeling so down and I don't know why.

Well, it's probably because of the meds. Everyone tell me they're supposed to make me more motivated and happier but I can't get out of my bed on the mornings. I can't write, draw or read. I don't have any motivation. Even writing this single post is fucking difficult. All the words disappear from my mind as soon as I think about them. 

There are lots of things I'd like to write about. My holidays, my birthday, my friends! I'd like to talk about movies I love and books I read and stuff but I just can't. I want to talk with people but I don't have the strength to answer texts if they're not from the five same people. My childhood best friends sent me a message the other day. It took me two weeks to get back to her. Other people are still waiting. It's not that I don't want to talk with them. I just can't. In my mind, my answer is written and ready to be sent. But my fingers won't move. My brain freezes. It won't let me do it. Won't let me get out of my safe zone even if it's only for a text. 

I have stuff to do, too. People to call and mails to write but you can guess how it is. If I can't even do things I'd enjoy, then doing paperwork is out of the question. Tidying my room, too. My friends left a week ago and I still haven't put away the air mattress on which they slept. I use it myself. I get out of my bed and lie down on it. I don't have to strength to do anything else. I'm so tired. I feel so bad. 

I went to a therapy appointment with my mom the other day. I was surprised by some of the stuff she said. She told my therapist I was like a bad behaved dog. Yes, just like the tiktoks. Apparently, I'm a scared animal. I bite but I don't know why. I'm not used to kindness, I don't know how to express it. That's what they said while I was sitting next to them. I've also been officially diagnosed on the autism spectrum. It won't change much to my current life but that's that. It's almost like I'm collecting all the stuff people speak about on the internet. ADHD, depression, autism, bisexuality. At one point in my life, I've seen people lying about one of these things online. And now I can use them to introduce myself. Well, not really. I'd be weird for telling all that to people I don't know.

Anyway, I'm glad I could write a little. It's not much and it's messy but I needed to take my words out of my head. I caught a cold so I'm sick on top of everything else. I'm going to sleep.

update on my mom

Alright folks buckle up because this is a wild ride. 

If you remember, yesterday I wrote an article talking about my mom acting like a bitch. I thought it would be the end of it, truly. I'm letting my feelings out and time will pass and we'll forget all about it. But in a surprising turn of events, as I was eating, I heard my mom on the phone. That's not the strange thing since the wall are thin and she always talk loudly when she's calling. But she was talking to my sister. 

I'll have you know, my sister and me we have a quite complicated relationship. She acted for the longest time as if she was my second mom and still scolds me like I'm a little cry baby whenever I piss her off. And every single time I have an argument with my mom, I'm sure she'll hear about it and then start telling me how horrible I am because I can never do anything right and I should leave the house because it's not my house and I should leave mom alone because she deserves better than taking care of a big baby like me. And stuff like that. 

So, yesterday, I was curious and sat against my door to hear them better. I regret it. My sister said very hurtful things and my mom didn't really stop her. They were talking about me, obviously. My mom was mad at me and, as usual, my sister was mad too. She said I was egotistical and an overall horrible person. She said it like that, yes. Horrible person. My own sister. She went on and on about how I didn't deserve to celebrate my 25th birthday (coming at the end of the month) because it wasn't my home but my mom's and I deserved to be grounded until I decided to make more efforts. It really hurt me to hear that coming from my own sister. Listening her say how she despises me. And my mom nodding, too. I sat there, on the floor, against my door until the call was ended. Then I sent a text in our group chat, telling them I heard everything. My mom only answered "I talked loudly on purpose so you'd hear". What a cruel thing to say. By text, my sister even went as far as telling me "empathy isn't natural for you". I can't believe her! 

My sister told me to come out and talk with my mom. But how was I supposed to go out there and face the person who was saying only a few minutes prior how hard it was to live with me? I stayed in my room. The anxiety was killing me and I cried a lot and a lot and it helped talking a bit about it with my friends, Lola and Camille, but I still felt so sad and so, so hurt! Thankfully, I had a therapist appointment today. All I had to do was to sleep and it'd come sooner. My night was absolute shit. Around three, Henriette, my cat, started howling outside my door, waking me up from yet another nightmare. I made her come inside and she immediately laid on top of me. I think she felt how anxious I was. I love her so fucking much... 

Anyway, this morning I woke up with a new mindset. My plan was to go to my therapist appointment and then spend the day by the lake, reading books. Far from my family and their disdain. Unfortunately, I woke up late and only realized I was late at the time where my train was leaving. I was still at home. I learned later that it wouldn't have made any difference if I'd woken up earlier because all the trains have been cancelled today because of some accident. So I called my therapist and we spoke on the phone but it wasn't perfect. I wanted to talk to her about my current situation but couldn't do it and left this call with my heart even heavier than it was before. I was so sad and so tired. I laid on the floor of my room and tried breathing to make the anxiety leave my body. I've been having anxiety rushes and attacks since I was twelve-ish. But I never said anything to anyone so my only way to get rid of them was to breath and wait. That's how my mom found me. Laying on the floor, breathing and not capable of moving up because I was trembling so much. 

I think that's when something clicked in her. She gave me an anxiety medication and asked my what I was doing and I couldn't say anything without crying. So I told her everything I ever felt. Everything I never said because I was afraid and because I'm not used of talking about anything with her. I cried and talked like that for two hours. It was a lot. But I think she finally gets it. She finally understand that I'm severely depressed and I always try so hard to do anything but never succeed. I feel seen for once. I just hope it'll be better from there. We'll be able to fix whatever was broken between us. 

As for my sister... I don't know. She really broke my heart and I don't feel like I can trust her anymore. She was absolutely awful yesterday but, when I saw her today, acted as if nothing had never happened. I don't understand her. I'm so hurt and mad right now! She better behave because it's my last straw. She pulls something like that once again and I'll simply stop talking to her. For ever. 

mom

My mom is acting like a bitch. 

She refuses to acknowledge that I'm depressed and I'm starting to get really tired of how she acts with me. I've been depressed since 2018 ish but never told her because we don't talk in my family. Well, my sister and mom talk together but I don't. I never did and I don't know how to start now. So I never said anything and just dealt with it on my own. I wasn't doing a great job, though, and so earlier this year I was a bit forced by my sister to come out and tell them I was depressed. I thought things were going to change. Now, my mom would understand that I'm not just lazy and unpleasant on purpose. I'm genuinely trying but I'm not the best at dealing with feelings and stuff. My mom knows a lot about depression since she's been depressed before. I really thought she would see my pain and acknowledge it and be kinder towards me. 

But, no. It's still the same thing with her. She's all nice and kind and fun but, as soon as I don't do exactly the thing she wants me to do at the moment she demands it then I'm literally the worst person ever. She doesn't say it, no. But she makes me feel it. She's very good at making me the villain, acting like a victim every time I don't do what she wants me to do. And I know I've never been a really good kid. I was terrible when I was younger, always crying and being upset about stupid shit. But I shouldn't have been a good kid to feel like I deserve to be loved. The worst part is, I know she loves me. And I love her. But I don't think she likes me. And she always annoys me and I get really mad at her all the time for no reason. So, sometimes, she acts like a bitch and I'm a bitch too and we're upset at each other. Then some time pass, a few hours go by, me in my room and her in the living room and then I go out and everything is forgotten. 

Yet, she's still acting like a bitch. 

Yesterday, we had guests over to play games. They're my mom's friend and her daughter, who's a bit younger than me. We started a little boardgames tradition where we meet and play game when we all have free time so it's a nice thing. I'm not the biggest fan of them but I've known them literally all my life so I don't mind spending time with them. But this week has been kind of hard for me with the travel, the new meds, the show and stuff. My anxiety has been through the roof and the past two days I couldn't literally get out of my bed. Suffice to say this week sucked. I had forgotten that the guests were coming over and my mind was literally off. I couldn't focus on ANYTHING. My mom asked me to throw the garbage out, I said I'd do it later and she said "alright we'll go in thirty minutes" and I was like, okay, that's good. I found it weird that she said "we" but didn't think much of it. There were two garbage bag so I thought we'd go together and she'd come fetch me so we'd go together. She left and I forgot about it because my brain is literally dead. 

She didn't come back, though, and like five minutes before the guests arrived she barged into my room asking why I didn't throw the trashes out. I said I was waiting for her to come pick me up and she said I could have gone by myself. It's true. I'm nearly 25, it's old enough to throw the garbage by myself and remember to do it on my own but I wasn't thinking about that and genuinely thought we'd go together. I said so and she started scolding me because she'd allegedly NEVER said we'd go together and blah-blah-blah. This put me in a bad mood. And I was really low. All I wanted was to get back in bed and cry, honestly. But when the guests arrived I put on a smile and went into the living room to sit with them. I didn't throw the garbage out because I didn't really see a point in doing it now, a few minutes before they came in. It could wait the next day. 

I sat and chat with them, sitting on a chair and looking at my phone. I got myself a hand spinner last week to stop chewing at my nails, taking off my nail polish and also to help me concentrate on movies and tv shows. And it honestly helps! So picture me on a chair, in my day pajamas, looking at my phone and spinning my little handspinner in my hand, minding my business. I wasn't ignoring them, I wasn't being actively rude or impolite. I answered when they talked to me and literally talked back. Like a normal person. But I wasn't feeling good and so I needed to get my brain going with stuff. As I usually do. And I don't know why but suddenly my mom called me out. She said I was being rude and annoying and I could drop my phone or just go in my room if I wasn't interested in staying there. But I was! I said I wanted to stay because I was happy the guests were there and that we'd play games later. I was sincerely thrilled because I love board games. But my mom started berating me and humiliating me. I was pissed so I went into my room. I didn't want to be perceive. I didn't want to exist anymore. 

So I went in my room, layed on top of my bed and stayed there all afternoon. 

I only went out once to pee but I stayed there. Didn't eat. Didn't shower. Didn't said good night to anyone. Because I felt like I couldn't come out. I felt sad and stupid. My mom came into my room only once and it was to scold me more. It made me so mad and literally so sad! I don't understand why she acts like that. Like she doesn't know how it feels to be so depressed you can't get out of bed. She still believes I'm lazy and not doing any efforts when I'm literally trying so hard to not just lay in bed until I die. I get up every fucking day and it takes me so much energy just to stay awake. I'm exhausted just because I'm existing and she comes in my room and tell me I'm annoying and rude and lazy. She's my mom! Why doesn't she see the pain in my eyes? Why doesn't she understand the weight in my heart? If she doesn't get me, then who will? I came from here but it's like we don't know each other. 

This morning, I woke up at eight. My cat came into my room and we cuddled a bit then I got up. I peed, brushed my teeth and then took the garbage out. One of the bags was really heavy and one of my neighbours offered to help me. It felt really awkward especially since I don't really know any of my neighbours but she was nice and she had a really pretty dog. So, I took the garbage out. Then I ate toasts and drink orange juice and went back into my room. You might know that my mom and me don't have the same sleep schedule, at all. She got up around 5pm. Usually, before she's awake, I leave my door open so the cats can come and go as they want. It's either that or Gaspard-Moutarde will open it by force. So, usually, she comes in when she wakes up and say hello and we chat a bit before she takes the criminal (Gaspard) and closes my door behind them. 

But she didn't do that, today. She went by without a second look. She went to the living room and I closed my door myself. I stayed a bit in my room and then I had to pee so I got out and, on the way, said "Hello" to her, thinking she'd answer back and everything would be forgotten. 

That's where she decided to act like a bitch. Because I said hello and she looked at me before looking back at her phone. Without saying anything. As if she's twelve. As if I'm the one being mean. 

Once again, I don't understand why she acts like that. Why she refuses to understand I'm sick and tired. When I told her my therapist gave me medication, she literally asked if this was necessary. Like they would give it out for free, like that. She refuses to acknowledge that I'm depressed and I can't go on like that. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to her because I simply don't know how to do that. I'm not a talker. Despite having my own blog where I talk and talk and talk about my life and my problems. That's why I have a blog in the first place. Because I can't talk about them out loud. 

When I told her I was depressed, I really thought something would change. I thought she'd start seeing me and loving me in the way I need to be loved. Gently, kindly. With care. But she always pushes me more and more and further. She doesn't seem to understand that I'm literally breaking down. I can't go further anymore or I'll disappear into the void. But she keeps on pushing and being rough and being harsh and when I try to tell her I need more time, I need help, she acts like I'm being ridiculous. My sister and her, they always act like I'm being a cry baby and needy when I tell them I need help for this or that. When I tell them no about something, they make me feel like the worst person in the world. And maybe, sometimes I am. Sometimes I act needy and like a big baby. But I know most of the times it's not the case. I'm not like them and I wish they could understand it. Instead of always pushing me. 

I'm so tired of my mom always acting like a victim. Always making me doubt myself and making me feel like I'm acting like my dad. I'm so scared of being like him. I'm always feeling guilty towards my mom but I'm not sure it's the truth. I'm so tired of not knowing if what I feel is real or something my stupid brain is making me feel. I just wish I could know my mom loves me and never doubt it. 

I think I'll stay in my room once again tonight and don't eat and act as if I'm not around. I don't want to face her. I don't want to see her act like I'm disappointing and exhausting. I'm sad enough as it is. 

meds

Helloooooooo! It's been a while, I'm sorry. My friends Camille and Marie (I'll start calling my friends by their names because I guess if you're reading this blog then you know who I'm talking about lol) were staying at my place and then I went to Munich with Christine! It's been three-ish really busy weeks and I'm absolutely exhausted. 

I started taking antidepressants and I guess it doesn't help with the feeling of exhaustion. I say my therapist at nine am last thursday and it was an awful day because I went to the bathroom before my appointment and realized I was having my period for the second time of the month!! And I had nothing on me! Then my therapist suggested I'd come back to see a psychiatrist and I was like, alright I can do that, but my phone battery was almost down, it was really hot, I was on my period and I was far from home because I live one hour and a half away from my therapist so, yeah, it was a bad day. But I saw a psychiatrist and he gave me a prescription for meds and I started taking them on friday. 

The thing is I also travelled to Munich on friday morning. And, on my third day taking the meds, I went to the Eras Tour. We waited for five hours outside and then the show lasted almost four hours too. It's roughly ten hours spent outside with the heat, my periods and the new medication. But I'm really proud of myself because I got through it like a champion. I didn't felt light-headed or on the brink of passing out as it happened by the past when I was in a crowd. I felt good even if my feet killed me for two days afterwards. 

And it was worth it. I saw Paramore live. And I cried like a baby. 

I discovered Paramore ten years ago. I immediately fell in love with Hayley Williams' voice and their music. Ever since it's been one of my favourite band of all times. There's something so touching and personal in their music! I think After Laughter is my favourite album. Not one of them. It's my favourite. I grew up listening to their music, never thinking I could see them live one day. When I heard that they were opening for the Eras Tour in Europe, I couldn't believe it. I was almost more hyped by that than the main show. It was surreal to me. But I did. I saw them live. I heard Hayley Williams' voice for real and it was perfect. Ever since they appeared on stage I had tears in my eyes but I started bawling when she talked about the way her and Taylor and Zac had been growing up together. They started this band twenty years ago and had been playing music together before. And, at that moment, it felt like I grew up with them, too. And in a sense, I did. Their music is so important to me, I'm so glad I was able to hear them live at least once in my life! And watching Hayley sing The Only Exception to Taylor was so, so special... I couldn't stop crying at that point. I love this song so fucking much! 

Taylor Swift was also phenomenal. At one point, I really stood there in the crowd and thought "Ah yes, that's what a Pop Star really is" because of the energy of the whole stadium. Thousand of people singing every lyrics in sync, all together. It was almost magical. I've finally been able to hear one of my favourite song, August, live too and that was so, so great! I really enjoyed that! 

But I think spending all this time with people and going to appointments and doing stuff and the show on top it killed me a bit. My brain feels like it can't really function correctly anymore and I'm so tired of everything. I don't want to do ANYTHING!!! Hopefully I won't have any other appointment than my therapist next week before I go on VACATIONS!!! AT THE BEACH!!! It's literally the only thing I look forward to since Camille suggested we could find a way for me to go with them in august. My mom offered to pay for my tickets as an early birthday gift and so I'll go two weeks at the beach. My own little sanatorium if you will. It's either that or checking myself in a psych ward. 

I'll take the next week to rest and charge up my batteries before the holidays. I hope the meds won't make me too tired because I really want to enjoy my two weeks away from everything... But anyway, I did almost everything I had to do this week so I'm okay for now. I just have to write an email and, also, write my story so I can post on saturday and have a few chapters ready in advance! :)

a breather

Wow, I actually haven't written anything here in a week! I got so caught up in my own head and appointments and stuff to do, I forgot to take a moment to breathe. 

It was a really busy week and I had to do a lot of stuff I really didn't want to do but the good thing is, I went to my first therapy appointment with my new therapist!!! And it went well! She's a really nice woman and I immediately felt comfortable with her. I have a great feeling about her. Her office is right next to a lake so I can see the water and there was a dog bed so I really hope I'll get to see her dog one day! 

The office is a bit far from my home, roughly one and a half hour by train and bus, but it's okay. Once I get the hang of the bus service I'll be unstoppable. In the meantime, I'll try my best to get there on time and catch the right train when I come home. I'll see her again in two weeks, right before I go in holidays. She wants to see me every week but she couldn't fit me in her schedule weekly yet so I'll have to wait. I think she saw I really needed her and I appreciate her for that. 

Tomorrow, two of my friends are coming to stay at my place! It'll be great to be with people I actually like because I spend the week with people I literally couldn't stand. It was the most exhausting thing. I can't bear spending time with people I don't like anymore. I'm literally at my wit's end. These days with my friends will heal my soul, I think. And then, as I said, I'm going to Munich with my best friend to see Taylor Swift!!! I can't wait! I cleaned my room today and it was not an easy thing. There's still stuff to tidy up but it'll do for now. At least my friends won't come in a pigsty and there's space for them to put their things and stuff so it's a win. 

I'm still feeling really down but I can see things getting a bit better in the near future. That's comforting enough for now. I felt really creative this week and I wrote and I also drew a lot! I made this piece that I'm really, really proud of. It might be one of my best drawing ever. I think it turned out great even if I can see a few mistakes here and there. But all the details are really making this my best artwork to date! 

Well, for now I'm going to eat because I'm starving and then I'll probably go to sleep because I'm exhausted.

noise

 I woke up at 7.30 this morning. No alarm clock, no bell, nothing. It was me and the emptiness of my bedroom. The sun was lazily getting up and, really quickly, it got covered by clouds. 

I spent the day fighting back tears. I don't even know why I want to cry this badly. I just do. My heart is heavy and I can't breathe because every single breath I take makes the tears swell up against my eyelids. I have a migraine, too, constantly beating on my temples.I did nothing special to feel this way. It's just how I've been since I woke up this morning. At 7.30 sharp. 

I finished a drawing I'm kinda proud. I watched a tv show. Read a few webtoons episodes. Laid still on the floor. Laid still on my couch. Kept my eyes open. 

I stayed in silence for most of the day. I don't usually do that. I always put something in the background, to fill the emptiness. But the noise felt too loud today. Too much. 

I have my first therapy appointment on Monday. I can do it to Monday. I can survive the heavy heart and the closed throat. I can survive the tears and the silence. I have to. 

I wish I could make all the noise disappear. I wish I could disappear. But I can't, so I'll survive this. 

On other news, here's the drawing I did of my OC, Ersheen. I really like how it turned out after spending almost ten hours on it... The drumset is terrible but I don't want to talk about it. What I want to talk about are the little details! The smudged makeup, the sponge bracelet (idk how it's called), the sweat. The flames on their tie, the strawberries tattoo, the hot pink drums, the dark blue nail polish. They're wearing a big skirt and a funky shirt and I love them. That's my baby, Ersheen. I had never really made a full piece of them, only small portraits here and there so I'm happy I finally did it. I love them.

friday night, alone again (naturally)

I'm tired of feeling like I'm always screaming at an empty void. With no one to scream back, not even an echo. I'm tired of this loneliness. It's going to kill me. It's crushing my heart and I can't take it anymore. But I can't blame anyone for this but myself. 

It's not my friends' fault if I'm alone like this. They can't just drop everything and teleport at my side every time I feel down. If that was the case, they'd probably live at my place. They're already doing a lot for me. I can't ask for more. But I also feel so alone in the world. 

I'm always by myself. And when I'm not, I'm around people I don't feel comfortable being around. I can't say all I think and how I feel to my mom or my sister. I can't be myself in front of acquaintances and I don't want these people to become my friends. Because I just don't like them like that. 

I'm sad because I don't feel like I can share all of my thoughts with my friends over texts. I don't want to be annoying and clingy. I hate twitter, too, because it just makes it worse. Of course all of my stupid, dumb tweets won't get attention or likes. Nobody cares. But it only makes me feel more alone. I don't even like or read all of my friends' tweets. Well, I do but it's because I'm chronically online and chronically lonely. I have nothing better to do than read tweets. Everyone else has better things to do. 

All of my friends have other friends, other plans, other life. I'm not the center of the universe and I know it. But since I'm a stupid bitch I can't help but feel a bit jealous and a lot of FOMO when I see them doing stuff without me. I can't help but wonder what about me? And most times I was invited, I could just not come because of money or appointments but I still feel really sad about it. I, too, want to spend time with them. And I know I still see them other times but it still feels like I'm missing something. 

I think it's really because I'm jealous and egoistic and I'd like the whole world to revolves around me. 

Because they're far away from me but they still have other friends. They still have other people they can spend time with. But I don't. I don't have anyone here but my mother and sisters and even them have other things to do. More important stuff than me. 

And I can't shake the feeling that my presence don't matter anyway. Things are the same either I'm here or not. My friends almost never reach out to do things. And I don't either because I'm always terrified of being annoying or clingy. I tried to organise a few things like playing online, calling, etc.  Stuff we can do long-distance but it's always the same thing. We do it once, maybe twice, and then it lays forgotten. And some of them come to me and it's always nice but with others, I always have to go to them. We have a good time but when I come home, I can't help but feel like it didn't matter that I was there. It would've been the same for them if I stayed at home. I won't say that I'm the only one making efforts and trying harder to connect because it's simply not the truth. But sometimes I feel like most things come from me. 

And the worst thing is I know I'm wrong. I know they don't reach out because they're busy with work and studies and I'm literally so far we can't simply organise a quick meet on the evening or the weekend. It's too expensive for everyone to do that only for a few hours. It's literally not worth it. But, because of that, it makes me feel like I'm the one who's not worth it. 

I just wish I could have close friendships as much in the distance as in the heart. I love my friends and I could literally kill for them. I only want their happiness and I'm so glad when they're doing fine and I'm so angry at the world whenever something happens to them. And I know the same goes for them. But I'd like to have one friendship like the ones in the movies. A friend I could call at anytime of the day without worry. Someone I could have a really special bond with. Like a soulmate. Because I'm so tired of feeling so alone in the world. I know we're born alone and we'll die alone but I don't want to live alone, too. 

Everyone always talk about love. Always. And I'm so jealous because I never knew love. Not in the way the stories and songs talk about it. If I have worries, I can't talk to my friends about them because I never want to bother them. If my mom died tonight, I don't know how I could ever tell them. Our only way of communication is tweeting. That's the only way I know for sharing informations. Either that or yapping in my instagram stories. But if I don't tweet and if I don't yap, then they know nothing about me or my life. I'd just like to have one special friend with whom I could feel like I'm not a burden. And, again, it's not my friends' fault for me feeling this way. I just have too much baggage and I'm the problem, here. I can wish as much as I want, this will never happen. I will never magically meet a soulmate. It just doesn't happen to people like me. 

I'll live alone and I'll die alone. I just have to accept it. And it's harder than I thought. 

I know the way I'm feeling is bad and stupid and I was with one of my friends less than a month ago and two others are coming to my place in a week but I can't help it! I feel so alone all the time! That's why I started this stupid blog in the first place. To feel like my words mattered enough to be kept somewhere, out of my head. But I don't really think it's the case. Almost no one reads anything I write. No one cares. And they shouldn't. 

I don't know what I'm saying, really. It's friday night and I'm feeling really, really down and alone and it's always the same thing. I've been feeling alone for more than a decade now. It will probably never change. I'll spend the rest of my life away from everyone I love because I can never do anything right. Because the last relationship I had where it felt like someone was always there for me, with whom I talked every day about many things, who always read my stories and commented my drawings, well it ended badly. Because I was a bad friend to them. So maybe I deserve this loneliness. I asked for it when I hurt others with my jealous thoughts and egotistical acts. 

Anyway. It's late and I'm hungry so I'm going to eat and maybe I'll stop crying and I'll be fine after.