friday night, alone again (naturally)

I'm tired of feeling like I'm always screaming at an empty void. With no one to scream back, not even an echo. I'm tired of this loneliness. It's going to kill me. It's crushing my heart and I can't take it anymore. But I can't blame anyone for this but myself. 

It's not my friends' fault if I'm alone like this. They can't just drop everything and teleport at my side every time I feel down. If that was the case, they'd probably live at my place. They're already doing a lot for me. I can't ask for more. But I also feel so alone in the world. 

I'm always by myself. And when I'm not, I'm around people I don't feel comfortable being around. I can't say all I think and how I feel to my mom or my sister. I can't be myself in front of acquaintances and I don't want these people to become my friends. Because I just don't like them like that. 

I'm sad because I don't feel like I can share all of my thoughts with my friends over texts. I don't want to be annoying and clingy. I hate twitter, too, because it just makes it worse. Of course all of my stupid, dumb tweets won't get attention or likes. Nobody cares. But it only makes me feel more alone. I don't even like or read all of my friends' tweets. Well, I do but it's because I'm chronically online and chronically lonely. I have nothing better to do than read tweets. Everyone else has better things to do. 

All of my friends have other friends, other plans, other life. I'm not the center of the universe and I know it. But since I'm a stupid bitch I can't help but feel a bit jealous and a lot of FOMO when I see them doing stuff without me. I can't help but wonder what about me? And most times I was invited, I could just not come because of money or appointments but I still feel really sad about it. I, too, want to spend time with them. And I know I still see them other times but it still feels like I'm missing something. 

I think it's really because I'm jealous and egoistic and I'd like the whole world to revolves around me. 

Because they're far away from me but they still have other friends. They still have other people they can spend time with. But I don't. I don't have anyone here but my mother and sisters and even them have other things to do. More important stuff than me. 

And I can't shake the feeling that my presence don't matter anyway. Things are the same either I'm here or not. My friends almost never reach out to do things. And I don't either because I'm always terrified of being annoying or clingy. I tried to organise a few things like playing online, calling, etc.  Stuff we can do long-distance but it's always the same thing. We do it once, maybe twice, and then it lays forgotten. And some of them come to me and it's always nice but with others, I always have to go to them. We have a good time but when I come home, I can't help but feel like it didn't matter that I was there. It would've been the same for them if I stayed at home. I won't say that I'm the only one making efforts and trying harder to connect because it's simply not the truth. But sometimes I feel like most things come from me. 

And the worst thing is I know I'm wrong. I know they don't reach out because they're busy with work and studies and I'm literally so far we can't simply organise a quick meet on the evening or the weekend. It's too expensive for everyone to do that only for a few hours. It's literally not worth it. But, because of that, it makes me feel like I'm the one who's not worth it. 

I just wish I could have close friendships as much in the distance as in the heart. I love my friends and I could literally kill for them. I only want their happiness and I'm so glad when they're doing fine and I'm so angry at the world whenever something happens to them. And I know the same goes for them. But I'd like to have one friendship like the ones in the movies. A friend I could call at anytime of the day without worry. Someone I could have a really special bond with. Like a soulmate. Because I'm so tired of feeling so alone in the world. I know we're born alone and we'll die alone but I don't want to live alone, too. 

Everyone always talk about love. Always. And I'm so jealous because I never knew love. Not in the way the stories and songs talk about it. If I have worries, I can't talk to my friends about them because I never want to bother them. If my mom died tonight, I don't know how I could ever tell them. Our only way of communication is tweeting. That's the only way I know for sharing informations. Either that or yapping in my instagram stories. But if I don't tweet and if I don't yap, then they know nothing about me or my life. I'd just like to have one special friend with whom I could feel like I'm not a burden. And, again, it's not my friends' fault for me feeling this way. I just have too much baggage and I'm the problem, here. I can wish as much as I want, this will never happen. I will never magically meet a soulmate. It just doesn't happen to people like me. 

I'll live alone and I'll die alone. I just have to accept it. And it's harder than I thought. 

I know the way I'm feeling is bad and stupid and I was with one of my friends less than a month ago and two others are coming to my place in a week but I can't help it! I feel so alone all the time! That's why I started this stupid blog in the first place. To feel like my words mattered enough to be kept somewhere, out of my head. But I don't really think it's the case. Almost no one reads anything I write. No one cares. And they shouldn't. 

I don't know what I'm saying, really. It's friday night and I'm feeling really, really down and alone and it's always the same thing. I've been feeling alone for more than a decade now. It will probably never change. I'll spend the rest of my life away from everyone I love because I can never do anything right. Because the last relationship I had where it felt like someone was always there for me, with whom I talked every day about many things, who always read my stories and commented my drawings, well it ended badly. Because I was a bad friend to them. So maybe I deserve this loneliness. I asked for it when I hurt others with my jealous thoughts and egotistical acts. 

Anyway. It's late and I'm hungry so I'm going to eat and maybe I'll stop crying and I'll be fine after.