hobbies

I don't know why but I often feel as if my hobbies aren't really worth mentioning. As if I'm only wasting time instead of doing things that interest me, personally. I mean, writing stupid shit on a blog or looking at lyrics while listening to songs aren't really things I can put down on my curriculum. Same goes for searching up the cast of shows or movies I might watch and always say "NO WAY" really loudly whenever I recognize someone or doing crosswords. But I do these things every day. I do them more than reading books, watching movies or making puzzles. But they're not professional. They feel like I'm wasting time.

I think I should try new hobbies. Things for which I should get out of my bedroom. Leaving my bubble. I should start biking again, making little trips around my village. Or walking on our treadmill. But there's something keeping me from doing such simple things like that and I don't know what it is, yet. I think it might be my mom. I don't want her to perceive my efforts. I don't want to get out and feel her gaze on me. I don't want her to think I'm doing better when I'm not or simply have some sort of fate in me. Because I know I won't go on too many bike rides or walk a lot and I'll feel like I'm disappointing her. I don't know why I'm always scared of being alive around her. She never really did anything to make me think or act this way. My brain's just wired all wrong. 

I want to go on walks around my neighbourhood. There's literally a little river in front of my window and a walkable path that takes us to a nice tiny beach. But going out means I have to get dressed. My phone's battery has to be full. I have to carry a water bottle and maybe a snack. If I want to take my e-reader then I have to take a backpack. Which means it's becoming more than a little walk. I have to go out and see people. And they see me. So my hair can't be messy and my face has to be really clean. But if I take a shower before the walk, I'll have to take one after too. And I don't want to take two showers a day. There's too many things to think about and I know all of them are in my head. I'll see no one and even if I do, they won't look at my hair. I don't need to take my e-reader if I'm only going on a walk. My phone doesn't need to be full, it's alright. I have little water bottles which fits in my waist bag. There are many other reasons of why I should go out. But my mind don't listen to them. 

Even when I'm really motivated, I'm frozen by the fear. A few months ago, I was really motivated about going to the swimming pool on my own. I spent all day thinking about it, even tried on my swimsuits, packed a bag, looked up the itinerary. I was ready to go. I was going to go the day after as I had planned it. I talked about it to my friends, I was really, really feeling good about it. But the next day, when I woke up, I felt paralyzed. I couldn't get up from my bed. Couldn't move my body. I felt floored by my anxiety. I felt so stupid for being so helpless. 

The thing is, I'm terrorized of going anywhere alone but swimming pools are even worse. Firstly, because I never went alone to one. Secondly, because I can't see shit without my glasses. Literally my eyesight is so bad I feel lost whenever I go swimming with someone, I have to stay by their side all the way. And thirdly, because I hate my body and if I go alone, without seeing anything, I won't be able to know if anyone watches me. I can't bear feeling this lonely and vulnerable. I hate my body, I hate being perceived and I think a swimming pool might be the worst place in the world when you feel this way. So I never went to the swimming pool. 

And I don't think I'll go soon, even with someone. I've gained weight lately and I feel like shit. I know my body is literally the most normal ever but I can't help but feel so ugly. Not only my body but my face, too. Four years ago, I weighted fifteen less kilos and I was feeling good. I could wear everything I wanted and felt pretty. But it wasn't a normal weight. I was literally so depressed I lost all this weight. And ever since, I've been gaining it back. Which means I can't wear most of my pants, some parts of my body changed and I don't like them. My face looks weird when I see myself in a mirror. I'm sure no one else would really see the difference but it's all I see. The way my jaw looks rounder on one side and not the other, my ankles aren't the same as before either. My ass is kind of the worst since most of my weight goes right there and in my thighs. I can't wear any pants or skirts without feeling self conscious. Which isn't ideal since I can't just erase a part of my body. It's been really hard lately. 

I really want to change. But once again, there's so many boundaries in my mind. Stupid shit I should be able to overcome but they've been here for so long, I don't know how to get rid of them. People say it's an everyday work. Repeating the same things on loop because our brains are muscles and they're dumb and you can trick them. But I don't have the energy to repeatedly trick my stupid brain into thinking I can go outside or wear shorts. I'm so tired! It always all comes down to that; I'm fucking exhausted. 

I'm starting therapy again on monday. I hope it'll really do something for me because I've been losing all hope. I need someone that will help me. For real. I really hope my new therapist will help me find how to be the version of myself I want to be. It's either that or the long agony until something kills me.