a breather

Wow, I actually haven't written anything here in a week! I got so caught up in my own head and appointments and stuff to do, I forgot to take a moment to breathe. 

It was a really busy week and I had to do a lot of stuff I really didn't want to do but the good thing is, I went to my first therapy appointment with my new therapist!!! And it went well! She's a really nice woman and I immediately felt comfortable with her. I have a great feeling about her. Her office is right next to a lake so I can see the water and there was a dog bed so I really hope I'll get to see her dog one day! 

The office is a bit far from my home, roughly one and a half hour by train and bus, but it's okay. Once I get the hang of the bus service I'll be unstoppable. In the meantime, I'll try my best to get there on time and catch the right train when I come home. I'll see her again in two weeks, right before I go in holidays. She wants to see me every week but she couldn't fit me in her schedule weekly yet so I'll have to wait. I think she saw I really needed her and I appreciate her for that. 

Tomorrow, two of my friends are coming to stay at my place! It'll be great to be with people I actually like because I spend the week with people I literally couldn't stand. It was the most exhausting thing. I can't bear spending time with people I don't like anymore. I'm literally at my wit's end. These days with my friends will heal my soul, I think. And then, as I said, I'm going to Munich with my best friend to see Taylor Swift!!! I can't wait! I cleaned my room today and it was not an easy thing. There's still stuff to tidy up but it'll do for now. At least my friends won't come in a pigsty and there's space for them to put their things and stuff so it's a win. 

I'm still feeling really down but I can see things getting a bit better in the near future. That's comforting enough for now. I felt really creative this week and I wrote and I also drew a lot! I made this piece that I'm really, really proud of. It might be one of my best drawing ever. I think it turned out great even if I can see a few mistakes here and there. But all the details are really making this my best artwork to date! 

Well, for now I'm going to eat because I'm starving and then I'll probably go to sleep because I'm exhausted.

noise

 I woke up at 7.30 this morning. No alarm clock, no bell, nothing. It was me and the emptiness of my bedroom. The sun was lazily getting up and, really quickly, it got covered by clouds. 

I spent the day fighting back tears. I don't even know why I want to cry this badly. I just do. My heart is heavy and I can't breathe because every single breath I take makes the tears swell up against my eyelids. I have a migraine, too, constantly beating on my temples.I did nothing special to feel this way. It's just how I've been since I woke up this morning. At 7.30 sharp. 

I finished a drawing I'm kinda proud. I watched a tv show. Read a few webtoons episodes. Laid still on the floor. Laid still on my couch. Kept my eyes open. 

I stayed in silence for most of the day. I don't usually do that. I always put something in the background, to fill the emptiness. But the noise felt too loud today. Too much. 

I have my first therapy appointment on Monday. I can do it to Monday. I can survive the heavy heart and the closed throat. I can survive the tears and the silence. I have to. 

I wish I could make all the noise disappear. I wish I could disappear. But I can't, so I'll survive this. 

On other news, here's the drawing I did of my OC, Ersheen. I really like how it turned out after spending almost ten hours on it... The drumset is terrible but I don't want to talk about it. What I want to talk about are the little details! The smudged makeup, the sponge bracelet (idk how it's called), the sweat. The flames on their tie, the strawberries tattoo, the hot pink drums, the dark blue nail polish. They're wearing a big skirt and a funky shirt and I love them. That's my baby, Ersheen. I had never really made a full piece of them, only small portraits here and there so I'm happy I finally did it. I love them.