Writing

I learned to read around five years old, like most kids. Ever since then, it's been something I love. I've spent my childhood surrounded by books and stories and I loved words. When I was bored, which happened very often, I'd read the dictionary or play scrabble alone. I had my favourite words and favourite expressions and favourite books. I'd read them over and over again. I used to play with plenty of other things, too, but I couldn't play if there wasn't any story. I needed to put my petshops or playmobil in some kind of grand universe. The stories were often interconnected or retold a thousand times. Making my brain and creativity work was the most fun thing I could do as a kid. It happened all the time. Whether I was out biking or inside a classroom, my brain was always running around to create stories. I didn't have a single imaginary friend but many, many characters I took with me everywhere. I always liked drawing but I wasn't really good and hated how my drawings turned out. My sister was a really, really good singer but we didn't share this. I loved dancing and took many classes but it was never inventive enough in my taste. I was nine so of course I had to follow what my teacher said. Same with my music lessons. I didn't play any instruments so whatever I learned was never of any use. All that was left for me were the stories in my head. 

When I was ten, I moved from one city to another. I left all my friends and met new ones. One of them was what people would call a "weird kid". Her name was from some old nerdy sci-fi comics her parents loved, she was a wannabe emo, loved wolves, Evanescence and writing stories. She became my best friend. She introduced me to Twilight and fanfictions. That's when I started to put everything I had in my head on paper. And once I started, I never stopped. I wrote and wrote and wrote any chance I had. My school notebooks were full of little excerpts and snippets of the universes I wanted to create. I was never really listening in the classroom to begin with but it became worse. I was mostly disconnected from the world. I just wrote again and again. Twilight fanfictions at first and then One Direction. I had my own original stories, too. And I shared them with my friends. 

At first, my new best friend would be a bit critical of my stories. She would say that my grammar was bad (it was) and that my ideas weren't special enough (they weren't). But even if it hurt a bit, I couldn't care less. Because I loved writing so much. It was my way to cope with everything happening to me. Because a lot was happening to me. But writing was mine and mine alone. No one could take that away from me. It was the dearest thing I ever had. 

Around thirteen, I discovered Instagram. And the wonderful world of fictions stories on there. I created my own account and started posting my One Direction fanfictions. Whenever I was bored of them, I'd just disappear from these accounts and start anew. Then came my Harry Potter phase and I discovered fanfiction.net and archive of our own. I didn't really understood how they worked but I stayed on fanfiction.net and read every single french Jily fanfiction ever posted. I read all of them. All. Of. Them. And then I wanted to wrote my own Harry Potter fanfiction and so I did. It was around 2013 so we didn't really knew that Joanne was, like, one of the worst people of the planet and I was a kid. I found my happiness between the lines of her books. But mainly within the universe of the Marauders. I wrote many, many stories where my OC ended up with Sirius Black. Once again, I was thirteen. 

Then I posted my original stories on Instagram and people liked them. So I never stopped. For years, I'd post new chapters almost every day. I made friends there and found people like me. I'd always felt like a weird loner but it didn't matter on the internet. After Instagram, I graduated and went to Wattpad. At the time, it was a more serious site for more serious stories. I wanted to write better things than "stupid fiction" and so I did. It was still bad, of course, but I tried. And writing became even more to me. I believed that, one day, I'd write a real book and publish it. It was my dearest dream. Write something that people would love. So I tried to get better. I created better characters, better stories and got better ideas. My friends were really supportive and I was glad that people liked what I was writing. After all these years I had spent writing only for myself or my teachers, it became such a good feeling of sharing these stories with people who enjoyed them. But they were far from being perfect. I didn't care that much, at the start. They were only parts of my mind that I shared with others. But as I grew older, I realized that many of these stories had insensitive points that could hurt people. It was all coming from a place of ignorance and clumsiness but it was not great things nonetheless. I relied on harmful stereotypes and had to relearn many things. At the time, I was a white (passing) straight girl and my characters were just that. White and straights. It didn't really matter in 2012 on Instagram. But it wasn't 2012 or Instagram anymore. And just as I changed, my characters changed. But I was still ignorant and a bit stupid so some decisions I made or characters I created could've been seen as hurtful. One of my friends at the time told me that and I heard her. The problem was that this friend wasn't kind about it. Her words hurt me and made me feel small and stupid and like the worst person in the world. Even if she was right, I still think that she could've said these things without being such a bitch about it. Because after this conversation, after I had written what had felt like my Magnum Opus, I stopped writing. 

It was 2018 and I stopped writing. 

It didn't help that, at the same time, many things changed in my life. I had to think about many other things and had less time to write. I had to become an adult and it scared me. I left writing behind me in the process of trying to find who I wanted to be. I shouldn't have been forced to do that but it happened this way. And then one thing led to another and I became depressed and lost any motivation and desire to do anything I used to love doing. What had been my escape for so many years became a burden. I wanted to write but I felt bad at it. Every idea felt lame and boring. Every character seemed too much like an already existing one or just plain stupid. I still tried but it wasn't the same as before. I still created characters in my mind and stories for them but they never led anywhere. My friends changed, too, and even if they still liked what I told to them, it wasn't the same as truly reading it. 

Since the start, I had always felt that writing is such a hard passion to share. It isn't like drawing or making music. If I made songs, people would only have to listen to them in order to tell me if they liked it or not. If I drew, they only had to stare at my drawing for a little bit before deciding if it was any good or interesting. But I wrote. And reading require much more time, patience and energy. You can't just read a chapter really quick. Well, you can. But your mind isn't always in the right headspace, you have other things to do or you just don't want. And I can't force people doing stuff they don't want. And they don't always know the things I write about if it's fanfiction or maybe they're just not interested in the plot. 

So I stopped writing and my friends kind of stopped caring. 

In 2023, I wrote again. I never stopped thinking about new characters and I even started drawing around 2020. My OCs turned into coloured lines instead of words. But they still needed stories and universe to exist. I still thought about it without being able to put them on paper (or in a word document). But my great writing comeback didn't include any of my own characters as it was a fanfiction. And in a weird turn of events, it was a Marauders one. 

Before anything else, I'd like to say that I despise Joanne Rowling as much as anyone who has a brain. She's a scumbag and if I had a gun I wouldn't miss a chance to shoot her. I wish her only pain and misery. The reason why I still engaged in the Marauders fandom even after knowing all I know about her is because I still enjoy this space. I believe it's been curated by the fans for the fans. And, in my mind, it's different enough from Harry Potter. They come from the same root but the Marauders' always been something else. Something the fans created from the scraps they found between the lines of these really, really bad books. I'd add that I believe as long as we don't give money to this woman then we can do whatever we want with these characters. And while Harry Potter and its universe is deeply tainted with its creator, the Marauders came from the fans first and foremost. Like, All The Young Dudes, a famous fanfiction, did far more for the fandom than this arsehole of a writer. So, I still read Marauders fanfictions and, in 2023, I decided to write my own. 

Writing this story brought me back to 2012, when I was writing every day about things I liked. When Twilight and One Direction and the Magcon Boys were my life. These characters became like my own and it made me so happy to be able to write again. I found a part of myself that I had forgotten. I also greatly enjoyed sharing this story on AO3 and getting feedbacks and comments from people I didn't know. People who read my story solely because they enjoyed it. I wrote twenty chapters in the span of six months and I felt glad to have this back. At the same time, many things in my life changed, once again. But at the end of everything, I still had my story. So I wrote and wrote and drew and being able to create brought me so much great feelings.

But one thing about the Marauders fandom is that fancasts are really important. They're a great part of this fandom. Most people have the same ideas and same fancast for the characters. We all share these things. Unfortunately, my story was about Regulus and James. The latter had been depicted as Reiky de Valk, a dutch actor who died in september 2023. I didn't know him outside of James. He was only twenty three and learning about his passing made me feel so weird. Then, in october, the world opened its eyes on the Palestine. I must admit I never really thought about it before because everytime I tried to look into it, all I saw were people telling me how "difficult" it was. That it had been so long and no one knew who was wrong or right. And I believed that. Because these people were supposed to be older and wiser than me. Because I didn't thought they would be complicit. So, like the world, I opened my eyes. Ever since, there's not a day where I don't think about Palestine. It probably doesn't mean much on my scale but my heart is with every single person in Gaza. With everyone who fight so the world can become a place where it's not a shame to exist. You're probably wondering what this has to do with a stupid Marauders fanfiction. Well, firstly, Joanne is a zionist. Obviously. She couldn't complete her bigotry package without that. Secondly, the most popular fancast for Regulus is Timothee Chalamet. It means that, in my mind, everytime I think about Regulus, I see his face. And I think it won't surprise anyone to learn that he's also a piece of shit. He did a really horrible "skit" on SNL about Hamas. It reeks of zionism. Not surprising when you know that the US are sending weapons to Israel. And, of course, Timothee is in a relationship with Kylie Jenner, who's also not a good person. 

So I started to see that, maybe, there was no ethical way to love the Marauders. Even if I never give any money to any of these people, I feel like being part of this fandom still enable them on some level. Especially with Timothee since I haven't seen many people recasting his fancast. People don't really care if the face of one of the most popular characters is a despising piece of shit. Everyone still went to see Dune in theaters. Everyone still watched the Met Gala. Of course, I'm not the moral police and I can't tell you what to do or what to think. Everything I say here is strictly personal. I just believe that I can't stay in this space regarding what's going on in the world. Maybe I'll still reread my favourite fanfictions but I won't take part in this fandom anymore. It's just how I feel in my heart. I'll always have a special bond with the Marauders fandom, it was there when I needed it whether I was thirteen or twenty-three. But I won't write or draw about it anymore. It's a small thing but it's also one of the way I can show my support to Palestine. I'm trying to do other things, too, obviously. But I think that even the smallest acts are important. We have to change how we live in the world and this society in order to change it. And if it means not writing about characters owned by a scumbag, stop eating burgers or drinking caramel frappuccino then be it. I truly don't care about these things when I see pictures of dead children every single day. When I have to hear parents crying about losing their loved ones. When I see zionist defending Israel's right to commit a genocide. 

Getting back to my journey with writing, we're currently in may 2024 and I started writing again after a little hiatus. It's been seven months and I'm finding new ways to bring my characters to life. This time, they're my OCs from head to toes. They're my proud and joy, my greatest love. I created Remi and Bee two years ago. They started as a silly little doodle and, over the time, became two of my most beloved characters. They're as much part of me as I am part of them. But in two years I never really knew how to start writing their story. It all existed in my head, sure, but putting the words out in the world wasn't easy. I've fleshed them out many, many times. They changed a lot and I did too. We went through some things together and I always came back to them. Whenever I want to draw, it's them I think about first. Whenever I hear a song, I associate it with them. Whenever I feel down, I wonder what they'd do if they were in my shoes. They're a huge part of my current creativity and drive to create. And, finally, I started to write their story. It's far from being perfect or even great. I only have one chapter-ish that I edit again and again because it never feels right enough. But I finally started. And I believe this time, I'll achieve something. I want to write and finish this story because it matters to me. I want to tell it to the world and I don't care if no one listen. I'm not sure my friends will read it. I'm not sure that people will be interested in it if I ever post it somewhere. The lack of feedback will probably make me a bit sad but I have to try and separate myself from the need of validation and from others, as a whole. I have to do things for myself and by myself. And I'll start with this story. I'll start with Remi and Bee. 

Nowadays, I'm also writing other things than just purely fiction. Like this blog! I'm discovering that being a writer doesn't mean you have to only create stories that didn't exist before. Being able to pour out my feelings or talk about the things I like is also writing. And it's such a great outlet for me. I've been struggling for a while now with many, many negative feelings. Writing them down, getting them out of my system, helps a lot! I'm not someone who easily talk about the things in my life. I'd rather write them. It's easier this way. I guess that's why I've been writing since I was a little kid. I couldn't talk so I needed to find a way to express myself. Over the years, I've had many journals and diaries that I never really completed. But every time I needed to write, I knew I could find a place. These days, this place is here, on this blog. I'm not sure anyone will ever read these words. But I'm not writing for others. Sure, I might make it seems this way but, deep down, I'm only writing for myself. At least, here.