island

 I don't know why I'm feeling so down these days, truly. I should be happy but I guess I always need more. More than a job, more than friends living hours away, more than the routine. Am I greedy for wanting more? Am I an asshole because I feel like my friends have more important matters than me? Because I just want everyone to love me all the time? I've been feeling really lonely lately, more than usual. It's strange because I've been even less alone than before. I mean, I'm really getting along with my coworkers, my sister is really nice to me and I text my friends often. But it's like I'm standing in the middle of something. I'm stranded on an island. I can see and hear and talk with the others but I just can't quite reach them. I want to make new friends but every step I take feels like I'm doing too much. I want to be a great friend but it seems I'm always slipping and making mistakes. I just want to be someone likeable. I just want to be always loved and cared and always, always reassured. But I can't ask that from others, I know it's selfish. So I stay on my island, by myself. 

My therapist told me to recognize and accept the feelings I'm feeling. Like envy, jealousy, anger, sadness and such. I thought I knew how to do it but can someone tell me why some of them feel so strange inside of me? I'm a jealous person, I already knew that but my jealousy doesn't make any sense. It comes and goes, only showing up when it feels like it. Same with this lingering feeling of embarrasment. I will do something at work, feel fine on the moment, feel alright about it and then, once the weekend comes around, I'll start feeling so so so so down and awkward and I'll just hope people at work won't start hating me by the next tuesday. It's ridiculous! 

I just wish I could feel like I'm enough. Not too much and not too little. I wanna be just right. For fuck's sake I'm twenty-five! Why can't I have my shit together? Why am I stuck feeling like a teenager as soon as I talk with my coworkers? I just want them to like me as much as I like them. I want them to see me as more than an eight-to-five person. I want to be able to talk to them outside of work without feeling like I'm bothering them. But I think it will never be possible because even with my oldest friends I don't feel good enough to text them out of the blue every day. Once in a while is okay but I wish I could just tell everything I do to my friends. Just, like, chat about our days and explain what I've been up to at work and hear from them back. But when I text them, I often feel bad. Like I'm using their time. And I know it's not the case, I know I can always text them and it'll make them happy but I just can't. I swear I'll work on it with my therapist but we're not quite here yet. 

Anyway, I'd like to be able to write and draw and make friends without feeling so afraid of doing something wrong. I'm so terrified of being not-liked, I can't move from my island. It's ridiculous. 

a case of bad mood

 This morning, I woke up feeling alright. I went to work and I thought I was almost happy. All I needed was getting my creativity back. All I want is being able to write again. Then I spent the afternoon behind my desk, tapping away on my keyboard and chatting a bit with my coworkers. It was alright. Then I came home and now I'm feeling like pure shit. I don't know why. I'm just so fucking sad. I just want to go to bed and rot away all weekend. And that's why I'll do after I ate my supper. And, by the way, I took out a frozen meal my mom had prepared but I realized only when it was heatead that there's only rice and no chicken in it. So now I have to cook nuggets to go along before only rice is a bit sad of a meal. 

Anyway, I'm going to eat and go to bed. Good night. 

long-term

I'd like to write something on here as to not let too much time pass without posting but I don't feel like writing about anything. It's not that I lack topics, thought, because I could tell you all about my new noise-cancelling headphones, the great book I just started reading or Arcane's season two. I could even talk about my favourite coworker who said I was his favourite coworker or how it snowed a lot the other day and I quite liked it. But I just can't. I start writing something and, almost immediately, it feels like too much. Like, there's too much to write about and I feel at loss. And it's kinda the same thing with everything else. As soon as I think that something will take too much time to do, I feel overwhelmed and I literally can't do it. That's why I'm struggling so much with watching movies nowadays or even writing The Brief History. I can't do anything for too long but, at the same time, I spend my days doing nothing but watching stupid true crime videos and playing a dumb game on my phone. And I feel so tired. As always. I just wish I wasn't so afraid of long-term commitments. Even if the long-term commitment in question is an hour and forty minutes-long movie or writing my story. I can't even focus on watching a show week by week. I can't feel excited about it because it takes too much time and I lose interest. It's so frustrating!

Anyway, I'm going to sleep now because I'm just so exhausted. 

busy bee

 What have I been up to in the last six days you might ask? I read four books (three of which weren't that good but fun nonetheless and one I really liked), watched the second season of The Sex Life of College Girls (OH MY GOD) and the two first episodes of Arcane season two (WHAT???????????), went to a Royel Otis show with Christine (it was really great even if we were right by the sound system), changed my bedsheets (finally) and, of course, worked! Thankfully, tomorrow is the last day before the weekend. I truly can't wait. I'm so, so tired. I know I always say that I'm exhausted but it's not my fault if it's how I feel most of the time... My mom bought vitamins so I might start taking them and I should get a new light therapy lamp soon...

Also, my computer is officially dying. I don't know what will break first: the system or the outside. Everytime I close and open the screen, there's a little part that creaks and breaks. There's a spot on my screen where I can't click on even if my mouse shows. The problem is, I don't have money. Like, I really, REALLY, don't have ANY money right now. I have many, many late unpaid bills piling up, I've even been prosecuted because of one of them. I owe my friends so much money and I know they don't mind if I give it back to them later than I said I would but it still bothers me greatly. On top of that, my headphones died too. Like, the left side doesn't work anymore. And we're still so far from the end of the month... 

I know everything will be fine once I've been paid but... I'm so sick of living this way. From paycheck to paycheck, spending most of my month without any money on my account because I had to pay for late bills and everything's gone by the first of the month. I hope my new salary will help me but it's still not much, honestly. Since I'm not working full-time, I can't expect more thought. It'll have to do. 

My brain is mush so I'm going to lay in bed and play games on my phone while listening to some dumb youtube video. Good night!

daily blogging...

 Once again, I'm not having a really great day. I feel so exhausted and anything annoys me... Thankfully tomorrow is my last work day before the weekend. I've finished the second season of The Sex Lives of College Girls today and I can't wait for the third season... It's going to be such a shit show! Tomorrow I'll start my Arcane rewatch before season two... I've missed them all so much... Viktor... My beloved... 

I'm going to sleep right now because I have a migraine and I'm so fucking tired... But I wanted to blog a bit before because I'd like to blog everyday, even if it's only a short post. I just want to share what's on my mind.

monday

 I changed my computer's mouse cursor into a cute bunny! And my niece and nephew aren't coming today so it's a fully peaceful day. I'm going to continue The Sex Lives of College Girls and eat maltesers, yeepee. What a great Monday.

clean hair

 I took an everything shower but it didn't heal me. Only washed my hair and made me smell good. I feel so sad and depressed today. But, at the same time, I feel alright. I have kind of a breakdown this afternoon and I think it's because I felt overwhelmed. I'm trying to learn why I'm reacting in certain ways to certain things. I'm scared of putting too much emphasis on my autism diagnostic and not enough on myself. Where does the autism ends and Sarsh begins? 

On other news, I've started watching The Sex Lives of College Girls and I really enjoy it! I'm at episode 4 and my favourite is Whitney, I think. I like the four of them, really, but I'm waiting to see their growth. I kinda don't like Mindy Kaling's writing and stuff and some jokes really don't land with me but I'll see how it goes. Never Have I Ever is one of my favourite shows so I thinks she can make good stuff... 

I'm going to sleep, now. It's only 9pm but I'm exhausted. Tomorrow is a day off but my niece and nephew are coming over so it won't be a peaceful day... 

Thanks for reading. Bye!!<333

creativity

 I'm trying to write. I so badly want to continue telling The Brief History but it's so hard. I try to do as my therapist told me; letting go of my expectations and just writing. Putting down words without giving too much thoughts about them. It's hard. So, so hard. My creativity is like a scared, wild animal. Everytime I try to catch it, it slips out of my hands and hides further away from me. What am I supposed to do with this writer block? How can I fight it? 

I tried writing non-related stuff but it didn't work. Same goes for writing little snippets of my story, not caring of where or when they're supposed to stand in the timeline. I feel like nothing works. How am I supposed to call myself a writer when I can't fight against the writer block, ADHD, depression and autism beating my ass? I thought it was because of my meds but I don't think it's the truth. I have to find a way out of this. I have to find something to get me to write again. 

I really, really miss the times when I could write and write and write and write with little to no worries about what I put down. I was just writing everything in my head, directly down on the paper. Or my phone's notes app. Then I started to lose myself. I hope I'll find my spark back soon. Please. 

At least, I can write on here again. This whole rebranding of my blog really helped me with that. If only I could find something similar to do with my story! But it's not like I want to give up on these characters or write something else. I love them so dearly, I want to give them my all... 

perfectionism

 Yesterday, my therapist told me that I was a perfectionist. I never considered myself as such since I tend to give up on stuff before even finishing them and always working as little as possible. But she told me that was because I didn't want to put efforts in things I know won't be perfect, or good enough in my opinion. I'm not sure I'm explaining it well here because I'm tired and my brain isn't working but the way she said it, I totally understood what she meant. I don't put effort in the things I do because it means if it's not perfect, at least I didn't lose too much time or energy dealing with that. 

It's the same reason as for why I'm struggling so much with my creativity. I want to make great art, stuff that pleases my idea of beauty and greatness but I don't feel like I'm ever good enough to do so. And so, I don't draw, I don't write, I don't make anything because it means I won't have to be disappointed. 

I have to try and change this behaviour but it's easier said than done. I wish I could just fuck it, open Word and start writing the chapter 6 of The Brief History but it's been four months and I just can't. I wish I could open Procreate, pick up my pen and doodle stupid shit but I can't. My brain is my worst enemy. It's so tiring to live life this way. 

My therapist also told me that ADHD can cause this kind of behaviour and it's not only because of my perfectionism. I have to put my heart and mind in the same place and not on two different paths, or something like that. I get what she's saying but, once again, I don't think I can do it. Not now. Not yet. One day I'll probably be able to trick my brain into doing the stuff I want but these days I'm only its victim. 

I have a four-days weekend and I have things to do. I have to clean up my room and tidy a lot of things. I have to take a shower. I have to send emails and eat real meals and I'd like to write more than blog posts. I don't think I'll do any of that, thought. I know if I think this way then I'll never get anything done but you have to understand I'm exhausted. Currently, as I'm writing this, I'm thinking about getting back into bed and I'll probably do after I'm done blogging. I'll take a pack of chocolates and cuddle with my cat, watching youtube videos or a tv show. Nothing interesting. It's sunny outside but I don't want to get out. I don't want to talk to anyone. 

Yesterday, my therapist also talked to me about masking. Since she told me she was 99.9% sure that I'm autistic, she's been talking a lot about what it means and how I can deal with it. She explained that I've been masking for so long I'm probably not even aware of it. That's why everything always wears me out so much. I can be fine in any given situation then feel out of the world for days afterwards and that's because I was masking without knowing. I think I recognize myself a lot in that. Acting in certain ways, feeling alright at a certain time and then feeling down without knowing why... That's my life. I'm not yet sure of how I'm supposed to not mask or if I'll be able to stop doing it one day. Maybe I'll find other coping mechanisms that help me more. I wish I could live my life without feeling this exhaustion. I wish I could enjoy the good moments without thinking about the next thing. 

A few years ago, my ex-therapist talked to me about autism and it scared me. I think I wasn't as aware of my mental health and state as I am now. Being depressed was still scary and I was shy about it. I didn't know how to talk about it with my friends or other people. Autism seemed even worse than that. Maybe one day I could get rid of my sadness but if I was on the spectrum, it was a life sentence. When I told my friends back then, they told me it wouldn't change anything. Some of them are also on the spectrum but we never really talked about it. I couldn't think about it. For me, it was something that only happened to others. I did some tests and they came out insufficient. I was just under the red line separating me from autism. Just as I was just under the red line of a high intellectual potential. 

Just as I was just under the red line for everything all my life. 

For years, I thought there was something wrong with me. I always thought it was my fault for not being like others. For being different. For not being able to fit in. That was because I was too shy, too much of a coward. Because I never took any risk ever. And it probably is the case. But I can also say it's because of how I'm trying to be. Someone I'm not. I'm not sure if what I'm saying makes any sense but it's okay. You don't need to get it. I do. What I'm trying to say is there was never something wrong with me, per say. It was just my way of living this life in a way that didn't suit me. I changed a lot throughout the years and I evolved but some things stayed the same within me. 

It's not the autism versus myself. I have to accept this part of me as I accepted the depression and the ADHD. I have to see that because I'm on the spectrum, it doesn't have to mean anything but what I am. There are so many differences between autistic people. Just like everyone else in the world is different, too. I'm not autistic, depressed, mentally ill or anything. In the end of the day, I'm just me and I have to learn how to live with that. I think that's the hardest thing about all of that. I've spent so much time searching for what was wrong with me in order to fix it, I never thought all I had to do was to accept who I am first. 

My therapist asked me if I was mad it took 25 years to diagnose me. I don't think I am. I know some people live all their life without ever knowing. I know people who learn about it when they're children and are treated differently because of it. And people who know and live normal lives. I don't think there's a standard with autism. The way I act can be so different from how my friends on the spectrum can react. Just like with my friends who aren't on the spectrum. 

I only wanted to write a little blog post about perfectionism and I went on a rant about autism but I think I needed to exteriorise these thoughts. I'm not sure I'm making any sense but it's okay. I don't mind. And now, I'm crawling back into bed.

tiring day

 Today was my first real shift at my NEW JOB!!! And my contract is SIGNED!!! It's real guys, I'm employed! Tomorrow I have a therapy appointment so I'll get to tell my therapist about my JOB, she's going to be ecstatic!!! I can't wait! But for now, I'm going to eat and go straight to bed because I'm exhausted... At least there's a four-days weekend awaiting me after tomorrow... Just wanted to stop bye and say hi! :p

lazy tuesday

 I did nothing all day but make sims and be sad... ENOUGH! I took a shower and now I have to eat but I lack so much energy and motivation... I wish they could invent food that'd make you feel great....... I know vegetables exist. And fruits. If only eating an apple didn't feel so tiring... I miss my apple era... 

To be honest, I miss being able to focus on one (1) thing and being obsessed with it. All my obsessions come and go, they never last long and I can feel them slipping through my fingers. Where has gone the Sarsh who sat in front of a computer and wrote forty pages about Azula? Where is she? I miss her. I miss when my mental illnesses didn't constrain me. When I could analyze and say somewhat interesting stuff. Nowadays, I feel like I lost my ability to be smart. Not that I've ever been a genius but I think I can't use my brain the same... 

Anyway, I'll probably eat cereals and go to sleep soon because I'm reaaaaally tired and tomorrow I have a BIG day! 8am-5pm! I'm not used to working such hours anymore... But at least I'll probably sign my JOB CONTRACT!!! Because I might not be interesting Sarsh right now but I'm EMPLOYED SARSH!!

unemployment

 I had an appointment this afternoon but it's been cancelled so it's officially my last full day of rest before I'm no longer unemployed... I have to do stuff but I'll cherish this day as it is the end of a chapter. And I'm being corny because I can. Cringe is dead. Anyway, I'm going to play the Sims for a while before doing my job applications.

little things

 Someone mowed the lawn outside my building so, everytime I walk on it, there are lots of grass sticking on my shoes ; I painted my nails black ; I went to my internship this morning and saw a cute lizard on the way home ; I found old pants that fit me nicely and it made me happy ; Henriette slept all night by my side and, for the first time in days, I didn't have a nightmare, it's without a doubt thanks to her. 

I was tired this morning then happy when I arrived at WORK because I'll soon be EMPLOYED and then I came home and I felt annoyed and pissed off for no reason. I wanted to write but I couldn't so I tried to create a new OC on the Sims (because I can't draw anymore) for The Brief History. She's a popstar who has beef with Barnabé but I'm still trying looks and ideas for her... I'd like for her looks to not match her personality but without falling too much into caricatures or stuff like that. Her name will probably be something like Rosalina Valentine but it'll only be her stage name. Like Chappell Roan. To be honest, I'd like this popstar to be like Chappell Roan if she existed back in 2006. Which might be easy but I have to admit I don't have a lot of cultural awareness of what was happening with music back then. I have to do some research but I never really know how or where to look... But that's a me problem. 

Anyway, tomorrow I'm not working because I have an appointment and my manager thought it'd be better that I come all day on Wednesday... I'm not a huge fan of full-days at work but I couldn't say no because they needed me all day so... Yeah. It'll be tiring but I'll survive. In the meantime, I'll have to make a few applications before my appointment. And I have to update my curriculum... And I'd like to write! Please let me write! Why can I rant and rant and rant but as soon as I try to use my brain to create anything, it's empty and blank? Let me write! I miss my OCs! I miss my story! I also miss my friends' reactions to what I write! I hope I'll get my creativity back before 2025. 

Jodie

 Since yesterday, I keep thinking about the people that aren't in my life anymore. Especially my old best friends. The one I miss the most is Jodie, my best friend when I was like twelve. The weird thing about her is that I absolutely don't remember how she was and what we used to do together. I found old pictures on us but I can't replay the memories. What led us to smile like this, to laugh this way together? I miss her dearly but we stopped talking so long ago... For no particular reason, too. Only life, I guess. We were fourteen and we went on separate ways. I never reached out because I was always afraid of bothering her and she never sent me any text. 

At the time, I think I was toeing the line between "I want to be her" and "I want to be with her". I genuinely think, after looking back, I had some kind of crush on her or something. I just cared so much about her that it hurt sometimes. She was my best friend in the world, she was the prettiest girl, so cool and kind and fun! My crush had a crush on her. All the guys had a crush on her. She was one of the cool kids and, thanks to her, I wasn't bullied too much by other kids at school. I wasn't as half pretty as her nor as smart as her but she kept me close to her and it meant the world to me. We used to do almost everything together but I can't remember what everything was. 

I remember us seating all afternoon on a bench, not needing anything more to have fun. I remember us going to her house, playing video games, watching movies and laughing about boys. The choir camps where we sat together at every meals and slept in the same bunk beds. She curled my hair once and it made me feel so pretty I took a hundred of selfies. We went shopping once and I treasured the clothes we bought together because she told me she liked them. Her dog whose name was the same as a kid from my class. I miss her from times to times but, since yesterday, I miss her even more. I have so many regrets. I wish I'd never let her get away. I wish we could've stayed friends all those years instead of taking separate routes. 

I know she's doing alright these days because one of my friends, Claire, follows her on Instagram so I got some news a few years back. She seems to really enjoy life and it makes me so happy for her. 

I wish I could have more memories of us. More videos than pictures. More happiness than regrets. I know I could try and reach out but I'm terrified. What if she doesn't remember me? What if she doesn't really care about me anymore? It's been more than ten years, now. Maybe we're too different now to get along. She's always been more mature than me. I'm just a sad twenty something blogging on a sunday night because I have nothing else to do. 

I'll always think about her, I guess. At times when I'm sad and I have regrets about the things I did and the ones I didn't when I was a teenager. The people I lost because I was too anxious to be a good friend.

I'm just a little bit sad today and I keep thinking about her and I found some pictures of us and it made me ponders about my memories of her. There's so scarce... I don't want to lose the few I have. I hope time will be kind with me and won't make me forget her because I'd like to keep her close to me forever. In the only way I can. In my head. 

status quo...

Alright, I met with my childhood best friend this afternoon and things went exactly as I thought they would. Meaning, we had a good time but I know why I stopped being friends with her. 

I don't think she's a bad person or anything but maybe I'm too woke. As soon as I arrived, we went into her car where there was a Starbuck cup in the cupholder... And a McDonald bag in the backseat... I mean, maybe I'm just too woke. After, we went to eat at a cute mountain little restaurant and started talking about everything we had missed in the last ten years. She told me a lot of personal stuff I won't tell here because it's not my place but she told me she had discovered a WONDERFUL AUTHOR named....... Colleen Hoover.

I kid you not I had to give my everything to not pull a face. Like... What do you mean your favourite author in 2024 is fucking Colleen Hoover? And she was soooo sad to have missed that awful movie's release, too. That's the moment I knew there was no way I could ever go back to being friends with her. 

I know it may seem all very childish and pretentious but I just had such a weird vibe coming off from her... And again, I didn't had a bad time with her! It was fine, walking down memory lane, but yeah... One afternoon is enough. I don't see myself spending everyday or even every other weekend with her and her friends. 

She told me we should do stuff together and I said "Yes, it would be fun" but it's only because I don't know how to tell her I don't really like her... And, to be honest, I don't think I ever did. When we were kids we were always, truly ALWAYS, arguing about everything and nothing. We never stopped as we grew up, still finding faults in each other in every little way. It was always tiring to be with her. I've also been a bad friend in many way towards her, I know. That's mainly the reason why I slowly stopped talking to her.

Also, at one point, she told me I was the weirdest girl in our group back then. Like, she told me she was talking about me with someone and that person said "Sarah the Crazy one?"... I'm sure she didn't mean it to be offensive but it wasn't said in a nice way. What do you mean people refer to me as the crazy, weird one? Sure, I wasn't popular or anything but we were literally a group of outcasts! We all were supposed to be weird and off putting. Once, they locked me up outside at my own birthday party as a joke but it wasn't funny! I never said anything about it! Ugh. 

But, yeah, alas I don't know what the future will be made of. We'll see! I just hope she won't cling to me once again as she once did... I know I should tell her outwardly that I don't really enjoy her company but how am I supposed to say that in a not-hurtful way? I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to be a bad guy but I also don't want to waste my time and mind on someone I don't really like... I'm too old for this shit I think. I have to stop being that way... 

Anyway, as I said, we'll see what happens! 

a blast from the past

 Today, I'm meeting with my oldest friend! She was my childhood best friend since birth, by default as we lived next to each other. Over the years, we stopped seeing each other a lot and then reconnecting again and again due to moving away and stuff. Then, ten years ago, I kinda stopped talking to her because she pissed me off a bit. Last August, she sent me a text to see if I was interested to see her again and I said yes. I'm truly curious of what she's become. And I kinda want to show her how cool I am now, lmao. So I'm going to my favourite city in the world (the one where I was born) and see her for the first time in a decade. I'll let you know how it went! I hope it'll be good.  

nostril

Alright so, my mom told me my piercing might be infected.. Noooo... I put some cream on it and I'll keep on taking care of it, hoping it won't become worse... Pleak pleak pleak I think I'll be really pissed and sad if I have to take it off, I love it so much! I used to hate my nose and ever since a few years back I started to love it but it really is thank to my septum and, now, my nostril... 

little miss EMPLOYED

So, yesterday I started writing an umpteenth article about my internship, telling you guys how much I liked it and how sad I was to see it end, next week.  I drafted it, thinking I'd finish it today but, as it turns out, I won't need to tell you I'm sad because THEY HIRED ME!!!!!!!!!

Let me write that again. 

THEY HIRED ME!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I'm so happy! It's only for a few months but it's more than what I've got since my last job so... A win is a win! And maybe, by then, they'll realize they need me too much and they'll keep me longer... I can only hope. But, yeah, I'm so grateful for them! My manager told me they needed someone for the reception of the Museum (all I have to do is greet the visitors and give them infos and stuff about the Museum) and they liked me so they thought of me for that... It makes me so glad! I was so afraid of being weird or acting in a strange manner and maybe they didn't like me but turns out they don't hate me! They like me well enough to keep me around longer! My heart is so full of great feelings... 

And, to add on top of the good news, yesterday my step-mother told me my dad has been found guilty of his crimes and so he might go to jail! It's either jail or paying his debts but since he doesn't have any money I hope he'll go rot in a cell for at least a few years... I don't know how long his sentence will be but I hope it'll be veeeeery long... Please, please, please let me get what I want! 

But yeah, it's overall a really, really great day and it's only 1pm! I can't believe it! I'm still a bit scared that something will go wrong and they won't be able to hire me or something but I have to keep a positive mindset! 

I'VE GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I'll spend my afternoon looking up stuff to add to my blog while watching something and dream about my new job... I can't wait to be Monday! Well, better than that, I can't wait to be Thursday because I have a therapy appointment and I just know my therapist will be THRILLED to hear that I got a job!

friday the thirteenth

 I'm feeling so down and I don't know why.

Well, it's probably because of the meds. Everyone tell me they're supposed to make me more motivated and happier but I can't get out of my bed on the mornings. I can't write, draw or read. I don't have any motivation. Even writing this single post is fucking difficult. All the words disappear from my mind as soon as I think about them. 

There are lots of things I'd like to write about. My holidays, my birthday, my friends! I'd like to talk about movies I love and books I read and stuff but I just can't. I want to talk with people but I don't have the strength to answer texts if they're not from the five same people. My childhood best friends sent me a message the other day. It took me two weeks to get back to her. Other people are still waiting. It's not that I don't want to talk with them. I just can't. In my mind, my answer is written and ready to be sent. But my fingers won't move. My brain freezes. It won't let me do it. Won't let me get out of my safe zone even if it's only for a text. 

I have stuff to do, too. People to call and mails to write but you can guess how it is. If I can't even do things I'd enjoy, then doing paperwork is out of the question. Tidying my room, too. My friends left a week ago and I still haven't put away the air mattress on which they slept. I use it myself. I get out of my bed and lie down on it. I don't have to strength to do anything else. I'm so tired. I feel so bad. 

I went to a therapy appointment with my mom the other day. I was surprised by some of the stuff she said. She told my therapist I was like a bad behaved dog. Yes, just like the tiktoks. Apparently, I'm a scared animal. I bite but I don't know why. I'm not used to kindness, I don't know how to express it. That's what they said while I was sitting next to them. I've also been officially diagnosed on the autism spectrum. It won't change much to my current life but that's that. It's almost like I'm collecting all the stuff people speak about on the internet. ADHD, depression, autism, bisexuality. At one point in my life, I've seen people lying about one of these things online. And now I can use them to introduce myself. Well, not really. I'd be weird for telling all that to people I don't know.

Anyway, I'm glad I could write a little. It's not much and it's messy but I needed to take my words out of my head. I caught a cold so I'm sick on top of everything else. I'm going to sleep.

update on my mom

Alright folks buckle up because this is a wild ride. 

If you remember, yesterday I wrote an article talking about my mom acting like a bitch. I thought it would be the end of it, truly. I'm letting my feelings out and time will pass and we'll forget all about it. But in a surprising turn of events, as I was eating, I heard my mom on the phone. That's not the strange thing since the wall are thin and she always talk loudly when she's calling. But she was talking to my sister. 

I'll have you know, my sister and me we have a quite complicated relationship. She acted for the longest time as if she was my second mom and still scolds me like I'm a little cry baby whenever I piss her off. And every single time I have an argument with my mom, I'm sure she'll hear about it and then start telling me how horrible I am because I can never do anything right and I should leave the house because it's not my house and I should leave mom alone because she deserves better than taking care of a big baby like me. And stuff like that. 

So, yesterday, I was curious and sat against my door to hear them better. I regret it. My sister said very hurtful things and my mom didn't really stop her. They were talking about me, obviously. My mom was mad at me and, as usual, my sister was mad too. She said I was egotistical and an overall horrible person. She said it like that, yes. Horrible person. My own sister. She went on and on about how I didn't deserve to celebrate my 25th birthday (coming at the end of the month) because it wasn't my home but my mom's and I deserved to be grounded until I decided to make more efforts. It really hurt me to hear that coming from my own sister. Listening her say how she despises me. And my mom nodding, too. I sat there, on the floor, against my door until the call was ended. Then I sent a text in our group chat, telling them I heard everything. My mom only answered "I talked loudly on purpose so you'd hear". What a cruel thing to say. By text, my sister even went as far as telling me "empathy isn't natural for you". I can't believe her! 

My sister told me to come out and talk with my mom. But how was I supposed to go out there and face the person who was saying only a few minutes prior how hard it was to live with me? I stayed in my room. The anxiety was killing me and I cried a lot and a lot and it helped talking a bit about it with my friends, Lola and Camille, but I still felt so sad and so, so hurt! Thankfully, I had a therapist appointment today. All I had to do was to sleep and it'd come sooner. My night was absolute shit. Around three, Henriette, my cat, started howling outside my door, waking me up from yet another nightmare. I made her come inside and she immediately laid on top of me. I think she felt how anxious I was. I love her so fucking much... 

Anyway, this morning I woke up with a new mindset. My plan was to go to my therapist appointment and then spend the day by the lake, reading books. Far from my family and their disdain. Unfortunately, I woke up late and only realized I was late at the time where my train was leaving. I was still at home. I learned later that it wouldn't have made any difference if I'd woken up earlier because all the trains have been cancelled today because of some accident. So I called my therapist and we spoke on the phone but it wasn't perfect. I wanted to talk to her about my current situation but couldn't do it and left this call with my heart even heavier than it was before. I was so sad and so tired. I laid on the floor of my room and tried breathing to make the anxiety leave my body. I've been having anxiety rushes and attacks since I was twelve-ish. But I never said anything to anyone so my only way to get rid of them was to breath and wait. That's how my mom found me. Laying on the floor, breathing and not capable of moving up because I was trembling so much. 

I think that's when something clicked in her. She gave me an anxiety medication and asked my what I was doing and I couldn't say anything without crying. So I told her everything I ever felt. Everything I never said because I was afraid and because I'm not used of talking about anything with her. I cried and talked like that for two hours. It was a lot. But I think she finally gets it. She finally understand that I'm severely depressed and I always try so hard to do anything but never succeed. I feel seen for once. I just hope it'll be better from there. We'll be able to fix whatever was broken between us. 

As for my sister... I don't know. She really broke my heart and I don't feel like I can trust her anymore. She was absolutely awful yesterday but, when I saw her today, acted as if nothing had never happened. I don't understand her. I'm so hurt and mad right now! She better behave because it's my last straw. She pulls something like that once again and I'll simply stop talking to her. For ever.