friday the thirteenth

 I'm feeling so down and I don't know why.

Well, it's probably because of the meds. Everyone tell me they're supposed to make me more motivated and happier but I can't get out of my bed on the mornings. I can't write, draw or read. I don't have any motivation. Even writing this single post is fucking difficult. All the words disappear from my mind as soon as I think about them. 

There are lots of things I'd like to write about. My holidays, my birthday, my friends! I'd like to talk about movies I love and books I read and stuff but I just can't. I want to talk with people but I don't have the strength to answer texts if they're not from the five same people. My childhood best friends sent me a message the other day. It took me two weeks to get back to her. Other people are still waiting. It's not that I don't want to talk with them. I just can't. In my mind, my answer is written and ready to be sent. But my fingers won't move. My brain freezes. It won't let me do it. Won't let me get out of my safe zone even if it's only for a text. 

I have stuff to do, too. People to call and mails to write but you can guess how it is. If I can't even do things I'd enjoy, then doing paperwork is out of the question. Tidying my room, too. My friends left a week ago and I still haven't put away the air mattress on which they slept. I use it myself. I get out of my bed and lie down on it. I don't have to strength to do anything else. I'm so tired. I feel so bad. 

I went to a therapy appointment with my mom the other day. I was surprised by some of the stuff she said. She told my therapist I was like a bad behaved dog. Yes, just like the tiktoks. Apparently, I'm a scared animal. I bite but I don't know why. I'm not used to kindness, I don't know how to express it. That's what they said while I was sitting next to them. I've also been officially diagnosed on the autism spectrum. It won't change much to my current life but that's that. It's almost like I'm collecting all the stuff people speak about on the internet. ADHD, depression, autism, bisexuality. At one point in my life, I've seen people lying about one of these things online. And now I can use them to introduce myself. Well, not really. I'd be weird for telling all that to people I don't know.

Anyway, I'm glad I could write a little. It's not much and it's messy but I needed to take my words out of my head. I caught a cold so I'm sick on top of everything else. I'm going to sleep.