update on my mom

Alright folks buckle up because this is a wild ride. 

If you remember, yesterday I wrote an article talking about my mom acting like a bitch. I thought it would be the end of it, truly. I'm letting my feelings out and time will pass and we'll forget all about it. But in a surprising turn of events, as I was eating, I heard my mom on the phone. That's not the strange thing since the wall are thin and she always talk loudly when she's calling. But she was talking to my sister. 

I'll have you know, my sister and me we have a quite complicated relationship. She acted for the longest time as if she was my second mom and still scolds me like I'm a little cry baby whenever I piss her off. And every single time I have an argument with my mom, I'm sure she'll hear about it and then start telling me how horrible I am because I can never do anything right and I should leave the house because it's not my house and I should leave mom alone because she deserves better than taking care of a big baby like me. And stuff like that. 

So, yesterday, I was curious and sat against my door to hear them better. I regret it. My sister said very hurtful things and my mom didn't really stop her. They were talking about me, obviously. My mom was mad at me and, as usual, my sister was mad too. She said I was egotistical and an overall horrible person. She said it like that, yes. Horrible person. My own sister. She went on and on about how I didn't deserve to celebrate my 25th birthday (coming at the end of the month) because it wasn't my home but my mom's and I deserved to be grounded until I decided to make more efforts. It really hurt me to hear that coming from my own sister. Listening her say how she despises me. And my mom nodding, too. I sat there, on the floor, against my door until the call was ended. Then I sent a text in our group chat, telling them I heard everything. My mom only answered "I talked loudly on purpose so you'd hear". What a cruel thing to say. By text, my sister even went as far as telling me "empathy isn't natural for you". I can't believe her! 

My sister told me to come out and talk with my mom. But how was I supposed to go out there and face the person who was saying only a few minutes prior how hard it was to live with me? I stayed in my room. The anxiety was killing me and I cried a lot and a lot and it helped talking a bit about it with my friends, Lola and Camille, but I still felt so sad and so, so hurt! Thankfully, I had a therapist appointment today. All I had to do was to sleep and it'd come sooner. My night was absolute shit. Around three, Henriette, my cat, started howling outside my door, waking me up from yet another nightmare. I made her come inside and she immediately laid on top of me. I think she felt how anxious I was. I love her so fucking much... 

Anyway, this morning I woke up with a new mindset. My plan was to go to my therapist appointment and then spend the day by the lake, reading books. Far from my family and their disdain. Unfortunately, I woke up late and only realized I was late at the time where my train was leaving. I was still at home. I learned later that it wouldn't have made any difference if I'd woken up earlier because all the trains have been cancelled today because of some accident. So I called my therapist and we spoke on the phone but it wasn't perfect. I wanted to talk to her about my current situation but couldn't do it and left this call with my heart even heavier than it was before. I was so sad and so tired. I laid on the floor of my room and tried breathing to make the anxiety leave my body. I've been having anxiety rushes and attacks since I was twelve-ish. But I never said anything to anyone so my only way to get rid of them was to breath and wait. That's how my mom found me. Laying on the floor, breathing and not capable of moving up because I was trembling so much. 

I think that's when something clicked in her. She gave me an anxiety medication and asked my what I was doing and I couldn't say anything without crying. So I told her everything I ever felt. Everything I never said because I was afraid and because I'm not used of talking about anything with her. I cried and talked like that for two hours. It was a lot. But I think she finally gets it. She finally understand that I'm severely depressed and I always try so hard to do anything but never succeed. I feel seen for once. I just hope it'll be better from there. We'll be able to fix whatever was broken between us. 

As for my sister... I don't know. She really broke my heart and I don't feel like I can trust her anymore. She was absolutely awful yesterday but, when I saw her today, acted as if nothing had never happened. I don't understand her. I'm so hurt and mad right now! She better behave because it's my last straw. She pulls something like that once again and I'll simply stop talking to her. For ever.