April

Tomorrow it's April and I believe it'll be a good month. Or at least, I'll try! Starting on a good foot, I emptied the dishwasher, tidied my room, moved my bed and changed my sheets. I took a shower, cut my hair and did the paperwork I had to do before the end of the month. I'm going to eat a nice meal and I'll watch a movie. I also drew a lot these last few days! I thought of two news characters for one of my stories and I really like them a lot already. I'm trying to be happy. And even if it feels like I'm only just pretending, I'll take that over the wallowing sadness eating me from inside. I'll take what I can and if it means being happy because I drew a pretty girl than it'll be like that! 

Boarders (2024) review

Boarders (2024) main characters, from left to right: Toby, Jaheim, Leah, Omar and Femi.

I just finished watching the first season of Boarders (2024), a BBC show about five Black scholarship students joining an elite private school in order to help with a reputation problem. It was a bit short, as shows tend to be these days, with only 6 episodes of 40-ish minutes each. But I really enjoyed the story and I hope it'll be renewed soon! As it's not a netflix original, I have a good feeling about it... 

The show follows the story of five students as I said, Leah, Toby, Jaheim, Femi and Omar. Each of them got a scholarship thanks to their teacher, Gus, and they're all smart and have a strong suit in, at least, one area. Leah is a really good pianist and a strong advocate against anti-Black racism and misogyny. Toby is a linguistics prodigy and knows how to make a quick cash. Jaheim, who really knows how to deal with computers and such, just wants to get by. In the same manner, Femi just wants to be part of something, of a group, and also fears that his parents will send him to Nigeria if he doesn't get straight As. As for Omar, he's a talented artist, who's also really passionate about the School's history and its mysterious secret society. 

There are also lots of other characters, filling the lives of our protagonists with dramas, antics and growth. My favourite might be Abby, Xiang and Dilton. I liked Beatrix and Mabel, too. It's interesting to see how these private school students act with novelty and how their views change after putting everything in perspective. Many of the characters are really, really insensitive, mean-spirited or plainly just racists, but they have room to grow. While it's not my place to speak about this subject as I'm not Black myself, I still found it quite interesting. I loved the setting and the premise for this story. I liked that every character is flawed but they all have the space to make mistakes and to learn from them. It shows a lot about how prejudices can hurt others. 

My favourite character might be Toby, solely because he's the kind of characters I tend to gravitate towards. I love that he acts really nonchalant, fearing to be taken seriously, when he might be the smartest of them all. He's so afraid of thinking about his potential that he tends to sabotage himself. I believe he can really grow even more and become someone that others can rely on. He was so scared of commitment that he fumbled all he had with Abby. He loses himself in lies and secrets because he can't fathom the idea of asking others' for help. I really like him! 

Close behind Toby, there's Omar. His story-line with the Raisinettes was one of my favourite. He's just such a great character! I liked to see his growth, too, and how he stood up for himself at the end. It was well-deserved. I really want to see more of him and his story. I loved that his relationship with Dilton was not going as quickly than the others', I believe it made it all the more realistic. And I really like that his homosexuality was far from being the main point of his character. There's no scene of coming out, no talks of how it could affects him. It's just a part of him and it's really refreshing when it happens. When queerness isn't the sole focus of queer characters! 

I also really enjoyed Leah, Jaheim and Femi's storylines. I believe they're the ones with the most flaws but they still learn from their actions and become better persons and I liked seeing that. Especially Leah! Her arc was so interesting and I'm glad she got what she wanted, and deserved, in the end. I'm glad she made good friends along the way! I really, really, love her friendship with Abby! They're so, so cute together and it made me so happy that they both had so much to share with one another. 

As for the worst characters in my opinion, it has to be Tesco Counterfeit Timothee Chalamet and his fuckass mommy. I hate them both sooooooo much!!!!!! I was scared that they'd try to redeem him and I'm still a bit scared of it happening later on in the story but, yeah, I see no point of redeeming him. I get that he's just a kid in a way but he's still a little bitch. He caused so much pain to Jaheim and Omar! Especially since the later really tried to be his friend or, at least, to be on friendly terms with him. But in the end an asshole stays an asshole. And don't get me started on his fucking mom oh my god how I hated her! Ugh...

Anyway, this is barely a review, more of an afterthought. I wanted to talk about it since I really enjoyed it! Like I said, I really hope there'll be a second season. I'd like to see more of these characters and their stories. I'd give four stars for the characters and four stars for the story! It was pretty good but I believe there are still some things that deserves to be a bit better. 

Another Thursday

I'm struggling so much with motivation, it's becoming harder and harder to do things. Like, really do the stuff I have to do and not only the stuff I want to do. The week went by and it's already Thursday and I have a deadline tomorrow. But I can't bring myself to do it. Even though all I have to do is change a few things in a .docx and sent it. And do that eight times. I'm literally on my laptop right now! The documents I have to send are OPEN!!! But whenever I try to concentrate on it and do it, my brain just freeze. 

I woke up around eleven today and it felt like a failure. I spent two hours reading webtoons in bed and, once I found the strength to get up, I decided to go on a walk. It was sunny and I put on a nice outfit but it doesn't matter. Because, even if it was a good thing to do and I'm proud of me for going out without even having to, I'm still using this as procrastination and avoidance. And it pisses me off!!! I'm so tired of being not capable of doing the things I have to do and solely because they're my responsibilities and I'm unable of existing in the right way! 

I'll do it tomorrow but, then, tomorrow I'll be stressed and anxious and I know I'll do it while crying because I'm a huge baby and I had an entire month to do it but all I do is cry and delay the pressing stuff. And it's something that'll come back next month. And the one after. And again, and again, and again. If it's not with this matter, it'll be another thing. I hate responsibilities, I hate having to do stuff. But since I'm an adult, I can't run away from them forever. I know people won't give me a pass because I was too sad or too tired. They won't care if I tell them I didn't do my share of work because I felt like the loneliest person in the entire world. 

It's Thursday, once again, and I don't remember the past week. What did I do on Monday? What happened to Tuesday? Where was I yesterday? I know I did some things but the days are blurry in my mind. I don't care about them. They don't matter. I went to my sister's place and babysat her kids. I had appointments and it was sunny. I wore nice clothes that I like and I went for a walk. But the only thing I really had to do, I didn't. Everything else was just avoidance. How am I supposed to be proud and happy with myself if I only practice avoidance and flight? 

I'll watch some movie tonight and I'll wake up early tomorrow. I'll do everything I have to do. And I'll tell myself that, next month, I'll do better. But I know it won't happen. It's really hard to love myself when I'm this unbearable. But I have to because I'm the only me I'll ever have... So I'll keep on trying. 

People

I firmly believe we're made of all the people we've encountered in our life. It means that all of our kindness, love and warmth come from a place deep in our heart that's intertwined with other's. But, on the other hand, it means that all the negative feelings also come from the people around us. That must be why I'm always so scared of turning into someone I dislike. I've been tainted by the love of many people I now hate. It's hard to give it up, though, because it has been love once. I saw someone say "I wear my father's hand-me-down anger" and it struck me. That's it. That's exactly how it feels. 

I had a friend with whom we parted on bad terms. I was a bitch to them, it's absolutely true, but they took so much from me and pushed me into my deepest entrenchments. I was too weak and too much of a coward for cutting down this rotting tree and, in the end, it hurt the both of us. I take full responsibility in what happened between us but the truth is also that this person was horrible. They made me feel like shit most of the time, forced me to lie to them because I didn't know what to do because I didn't want to hurt them. They manipulated and used me and then turned the story over its head and said I was the manipulative and egoistical one. They knew exactly what they were doing since I had confided in them multiple times that I was often afraid of being selfish and self-centered. My dad is abusive and an overall terrible person and I'm always terrified of acting like him despite myself. They used that and sent me the worst message I've ever read. It's awfully mean and terribly cruel. It's been two years now, since what happened between us. I still read this message often. Not every day or every week but once a month, I find myself reading it back. I try to take it like a waking call. To bring me back on earth. It helps keeping myself in check. It hurts, it makes me sad and, still, I can't help but always go back to this message. At the end of it, they even said that they didn't care what happen to me. 

It's been years, now, but I still think about it. More than I'd like to admit. I think I force myself to carry this weight because I still feel guilty about the way things went down. I mean, this person is terrible and toxic and she really hurt me. For years. She did bad things to me and then pretended like it never happened. But it's easier to blame myself. Always. Because I can't change how they acted. I can only change myself. And I don't want to be my father's daughter. I want to be my own person. I want to be a good person. 

Being good is harder than being mean. Because it requires more efforts on my part. Cruelty and wickedness are parts of me that I always had. When things don't go my way or when people annoy me, it's always easier to snap and snarl than take it upon myself to be good. I'm sure it's different for everyone. I envy people who's first response to anything is kindness. I wish to be kind. But for that I have to stop hurting. I have to stop hating myself. I have to let go of the people who hurt me, like my father of this friend. I have to let them in my past and start doing things my own way. I feel like I'm getting better at it but it still isn't easy. I'll always have these negative feelings weighing me down every day. And I believe I'll have to start living with them in order to understand them better. So one day I can get totally rid of them. 

Jason Todd and Family

A simple, little text about Jason I wrote some time ago. Thought I'd post it here! :)

Family is a strange concept for Jason Todd. To him, it feels distant and vague. Something he never really had. And doesn't deserve. It's not true, of course. But old habits die hard. Especially if you already went to the grave with them once. They're even harder to get rid of in their second run. Jason knows that better than anyone else.

He had his fair share of families. Once, a long time ago, there was a woman. Some angel in his memories. She had blue eyes just like his, cold and broken. The only thing she left him before giving him up. She was nothing more than a voice in the back of his mind. A phantom under his eyelids when the nights were dark. He never forgot the curve of her lips or the way her hair parted. He could never forget her gentle touch on his cheek and the tone she used to talk to him. Everything was blurry, but he couldn't forget. Sheila had let him alone in a terrible household. Barely a home. All he had was his father. If he could call him that. Barely a man. More garbage than a dad. He's the one who taught him to steal and lie. Running was in their bloodline. Jason doesn't really have many memories of the times where it was only the two of them. Endless runs, hits and screams. He was little and he was scared but no one cared about that. Then, one day, his father came home with Catherine. And she never left.

Catherine had loved him. Jason was sure of it. If love was taking him to school on the good mornings and putting him to bed at an appropriate time. Making him eat at least one warm meal on the good days. Washing his clothes and letting him read books. She loved him in little ways and he loved her with his whole heart. She didn't let him alone in the dark like his mother. Catherine didn't yell at him like his father. When he fell, she lifted him up. She taught him to fight with his brain instead of his fists. She gave him a library card and opportunity to change his destiny. He didn't have to be like his father. He could be better. He wanted to be better and she wanted that, too.

Catherine was good to him. It hurt more to see her go than to learn about his dad's death in the papers. It was harder to try and go on about his life without her. He stopped going to school and wearing clean clothes. He didn't really sleep at night anymore because he had found her on his bed; she didn't disappear like his parents. In one clean sweep. A magic trick that left him an orphan. He had to watch her fading away, one day at a time. No more bedtime stories. No more meals. Electricity went off. The landlord kept asking him where were the adults. Dad's not here at the moment. He's outside, he said, everyday. Dad is working. Catherine is tired. She's sleeping. So tell her to pay when she wakes up, kid. Yes, Sir. Goodbye, Sir. Yes, I'll tell them. 

Jason had to learn to live by himself. Dodging adults and responsibilities. He taught himself cooking and washing. He stole coins for the laundry and dig through his neighbours' trash to find his meals. One day, he said goodbye to Catherine. He became a thief. A burglar. A teen delinquent. A problem. He became part of the city's rats. Doing whatever he had to do to survive. The landlord didn't care if he was alone as long as the rent was paid. And he paid. Every single month without fault. Stealing food and money to get by. Stealing books to survive. Every night he went to the Gotham library and spent hours reading everything he could. Until the guardian caught him and he was taken by the police. They let him go because they couldn't prove he had committed any crime besides reading. He never went back. Just like Catherine, he said goodbye to the good part of himself. Goodbye to the books and the dreams. 

Some people asked him if he knew where Catherine was. In the graveyard, he wanted to say. Told them she ran away, instead. Left me and dad. Where is dad ? At work. At the bar. Somewhere. It was tiring. And scary. But he had to go on. Wake up every day. Eat. Steal. Run. Always run. From the landlord, the cops, the adults, the other teens. After Sheila and Willis and Catherine, he started to think that he wasn't made for families. He was better alone, anyway. He didn't need anyone to survive. It was bullshit but the lies saved him. From giving up. From becoming yet another fucked up teenager in the nightmare that was Gotham. 

He was still running and lying and stealing but at least he was alive. 

That's when he met Bruce. A terrible man with a terrible car. A coat that could pay up more than a year of his rent. A watch so shiny he couldn't help but follow it with his eyes. Bruce was cold and distant. He had a sadness in his eyes. But he hold out his hand to him. He gave Jason a chance. A home. A place. A belonging. To the little kid, all of this was surreal. And the first few days, Jason was pretty sure he had died of hunger in his shitty flat on Crime Avenue. It was the only way he could explain how he was standing in the middle of a ballroom. A real ballroom ! There even was a real butler. A man named Alfred. Stern and serious at the first glance. Really intimidating. A mad mustache and not a lot of hair. Jason tried and stayed out of his sights for weeks before he first talked to him. That's when he learned how kind and funny the old man really was. He was more of a grandfather than a butler. 

Bruce wasn't often at home and Jason liked it that way. It gave him the opportunity to snoop around the manor. He discovered new rooms at every corner but his favourite was the library. Alfred told him he could read every book he wanted. Every book ? Jason hadn't believed him, at first. He was shy and still hesitant. He went to the library every night and read as much as he could. He was certain that Bruce would make him go away one day so he had to make the most of his current situation. But one night, he found cookies and warm milk waiting for him in his favorite spot of the library. There was a plaid, too. That day, his heart felt so big it hurt. His eyes started to cry on their own and he ate all the cookies at once. The day after, he woke up sick and happy. And for the first time in forever, he felt like he had a home. 

But it didn't last. Some years later, Bruce started to see through his cracks. The man realized who he really was and lost is faith. Whatever Jason tried to do, to prove him he was good enough, never worked. Everything went down. He was put on the bench and had to listen to everyone while they lied to his face. Bruce didn't care about his safety, only his own image. Dick was nothing but a hypocrite. And he had let Alfred down, he knew it well enough. At the same time, Sheila came back in his mind but it wasn't a great thing. He put a face on his childhood memories. He followed her but his angel became nothing more than mere woman. Afraid and driven by her humanity. She hurt him and he wasn't even surprised about it. Deep down, he always knew it would come to this. The kind of pain he'd grown accustomed to.

He died for the first time. 

When he came back from the other place, he felt changed. All of his sadness and fear had been replaced by anger and hate. That's when he met another angel. Talia was beautiful and deadly. And she tended to him like she'd do to a son. She had a baby boy who made him think about someone from his past. But he wasn't sure who. And she taught him to speak again. But better than he ever was before. English and chinese and arabic. She was a great teacher. He remembered how to fight by sparring with her soldiers. He never called her mother but it sure felt like he was born as her child this time around. Ra's wasn't a great man. But he respected him. He found him impressive and brave. 

His favorite memories are from his time with Damian. His baby brother. An adorable toddler who had learnt to sway a sword at only two years old. He really cared for him. He felt the need to protect him. But it wasn't his place. Not really. He left and lost himself for some times. His memories had come back and he felt like he had to find again who he was. 

He missed Catherine and Alfred and Damian. He missed the little moments of joy. But they were drowned in his anger. He felt wronged. It was so unfair that he had to go through all of that and no one ever stood up for him! He cared for all of those people but they let him go. One by one. Bruce was the worst. Because he was all about justice but didn't do anything about bringing justice for his dead son. This thought polluted his mind. It tainted all of his good memories. All of the happiness he ever felt in his heart was now replaced by a sadness so big it made him want to hurl. He was furious. Why did no one ever fought for him? Why did Catherine had to be so selfish that she died on his own fucking bed? Why had Alfred let him think he was part of their family but then agreed with Bruce to punish him? Why did Dick never said anything to him when they shared the same experience? When he had done nothing wrong? Why was Damian so loved when even his own mother had never wanted to do anything with him? 

Enraged with the world, Jason missed no one. Why were Dick and Barbara always looking down on him when he was Robin? As if he would never be as good as the first Boy Wonder? Why did Talia treated him like a son before pushing him on the side as if she never cared for him?

It was his anger that made him come back to Gotham. That made him wear the Red Hood. 

Death and feeling the need to disappear

In 2018, I was finishing my apprenticeship. I worked three days a week in an office (sort of) and went two days a week to school, where I saw my friends. I had a few colleagues I liked and, overall, the work was fine. It was far from being the worst place to be at the time. I still think fondly of the three years I spent there. But in 2018, something also started to feel really, really wrong with me. It wasn't the first time. Ever since I first started school, when I was five, I was used to waking up with a tummy ache and going to school, and then work, without any motivation. I've never been diagnosed with anxiety until I was twenty-two, though. Dunno how the four therapist I saw between the ages of seven and fourteen ever missed that. Anyway, when I was at school things were still fine. I barely worked but I couldn't care less because I had plenty of fun with my friends. But at work, I started to feel like a weight in the pit of my stomach. Worse than ever before. Soon, I was crying every night at home. Then it happened at work. I spent a good fifteen minutes of my day, each day, crying in the office bathroom. I was dreading the end of my studies since I didn't what I would do after. I was terrified of my future and it became a constant fear. 

In 2019, things were alright. I got a temporary job at the place where I did my apprenticeship and the fear and dread decreased a bit for a while. Don't get me wrong, they were still there! But I stopped crying at work and I felt less hopeless about things to come. The loneliness started to take more and more place inside of my body. Since school was finished, I wasn't seeing my friends as much anymore. My best friend even did a six-months trip on the other side of the earth. I stopped working and didn't find anything else. Then 2020 came around. 

I believe my depression started in 2018 but since it was a year full of many feelings, I didn't really realized it at the time. I was used to being sad since I'd always been prone to it. It wasn't anything new from what I was feeling since I was a child. But after spending six months straight alone in my room, after having the worst thoughts I've ever had, I started to see what was happening to me. 

I don't remember the first time I thought about death. It probably wasn't in 2020 or even in 2018. It might've happen when I was still young. When I felt submerged by the sadness but didn't understood what it was. I don't remember that first time or even the second nor the third. But I remember wanting to die in 2020, wishing for everything to just stop. Just so I could rest for a bit. It wasn't even really death I wished for but more of a break from life. To be able to close my eyes and disappear from everyone's lives for a bit. Or longer than that. 

I want to say before anything else that I'll never kill myself. Because my sister has kids and I don't want to be the dead aunt they barely remember from their childhood. I don't want to be a taboo in my own family. Because I'm afraid of any kind of physical pain. Because I don't want the people I love suffering from my decision. You could say I'm a people pleaser and it may be the reason why I will probably never kill myself. I'd rather suffer than cause suffering to my loved ones.

It doesn't mean I never think about it. Doesn't mean I don't have horrible intrusive thoughts about killing myself and other things. And I'm not talking about the tiktok-ified intrusive thoughts were some people think getting a new haircut or eating pizza three nights in a row is an intrusive thought. I have terrible ideas, I see horrible things in my mind. Some of them disgust me so much I will never speak about it. Not even to a therapist. Because they make me feel like the worst person on earth and because I'm just so ashamed. It's even hard for me to say that I have these kind of thoughts. 

And, on top of that, I think about death. All the time. Every night, I think about what would happen if I died in my sleep. The way my mom would find me in my bed, cold and without a heartbeat. How dreadful it would be, how crushed she would feel. I’m sad that she has to witness her child’s death even though I’m still alive. Some days, I think about it in the other way. What if I go to check on her and I find her dead? What am I supposed to do? How could I ever live without her? Everyday I get these thoughts in passing. What if a fire starts in the middle of the night and I don't realize and it's too late to save her? What if she can't save me? How would we live with this?

When my sister goes somewhere with her children, I think about accidents they could have on the road. About all the terrible people who could hurt my nephews. When my cat doesn't wait for me behind my door in the morning, I wonder if she stopped breathing during the night. What if she threw up and choke on it? When I go to the cinema, I think that maybe the person I'm sitting next to carries a knife or a weapon of some sort on them. What if they decide to kill me? What if the bus crashes? What if I fall in the river while walking on the bridge? What if this man assaults me? What if that person pushes me on the train rails? What if I eat something spoiled without knowing and I die from it? What if I kill my niece while playing with her? What if I push my friend's hands from the steering wheel while we're on the road? What if I jump from my window? What if I bite my finger hard enough that it comes off? What if I bash my head in the wall? What if I start a fire and never put it out? What if, what if, what if?

Those are a few of the death ideations I suffer from every day. Every single day. Most of them don’t even concern me in the first place. Most of them are about other people. The ones I know or even strangers I pass on the street. I’m fucking terrified of death. Not of dying but death itself. Maybe it’s only because I don’t know it, because all the people that died in my family died before I was even born. Or I wasn’t close to them so it just feel like I will never see them only once a year, at Christmas or something. It's okay if they just disappear from my life because they were barely in it to begin with. 

We’ve always had cats since I was young but most of them we re-homed or they simply disappeared one day. And it was alright because I was little and I didn't have a special bond with them. The most important cats were still there. When I was ten, one of them died in my sister’s arms after being hit by a car. My mom wasn’t here and I freaked out so she had to deal with it. I only remember skipping school that day because I couldn’t stop crying but I don’t really remember how it felt to see her die. She was mine, too. I gave her a name and cuddled with her any chance I got. But she was a bit wild and liked going outside more than staying in my arms. 

Two years ago, we put down my dog. It was a very though decision, of course. He had bit me three times and only let my mom approach him. He wasn't a kind dog. He was sad and angry and we took this decision because we knew he was as miserable as us. I went to the vet with my mom. He had his favourite toy by his side and us. My mom held her all the time and I couldn’t stop crying, even before it happened. He might have felt it because he seemed way calmer than usual. Kinder. He saw me cry and lay down in my mom’s arms. We stayed an hour with him, crying on the floor of the vet’s office. It’s my most recent and lasting encounter with death. I used to dislike that dog because I found him annoying and he bit me, because he changed over time and I had the feeling I had lost a friend. But now, I regret not spending more time with him. Not cherishing what we had. I often miss him. It’s been two years and I still miss him. I go back in that vet’s office and I see the way he looks up at me, the way he lays against my mom, the way he gently goes to sleep. I hear my mom’s sobs and I’m there. 

Whenever I want to die, I wonder how the people around me would react. I think about the way my mom cried for our dog and I wonder how she would cry for me. And I can’t bear it. It hurts too much but living hurts as much. 

Since I was young, I never saw myself living past 34. It always seemed such a great age to die at. Not too close to fourty but past thirty enough. Now, I’m nine years from it and it looks way too far. I don’t know how I lived the past ten years and I don’t know how I’m supposed to last nine more years. I get up every day because I'm supposed to. I get out of bed, I eat and I shower because it's not socially acceptable to rot in my bed all the time. I talk to my friends and my family because I love them. I do my monthly job searches because that's what's expected of me. 

I don't live for myself. And I haven't been for the longest time. 

Even when I was a kid, I never felt a sense of purpose. I didn't have any motivation. I always did what people wanted me to do. My parents, my teachers, my friends. Sure, I made mistakes and did my share of mischief but it was never anything major. I was a normal kid, doing normal stuff. I followed what other people did and said and I acted like them. A few times, they weren't good people and I hurt others. I still feel guilty about it. I'd even say that guilt is a big part of who I am today. I regret a lot of stuff and I'm never really sure how to make amends about it. So I carry it around. I'm full of guilt and anger and I have no purpose. I don't know why I was born on this earth. I don't know what I'm supposed to be achieving. I'm almost twenty five and I'm still lost. I don't feel like I ever lived. 

I never held hands with anyone, never got my first kiss or been loved back. 

I don't know if I love my work and even if I do, there's no job opportunity so I'll have to find something else and I'm not sure I'd like to do anything else. 

I love my friends but we all live different lives and I'm far away from them all. 

I don't really feel like I'm part of my family. They don't know me and I don't know them. All I know is that I love them, too. And I'd feel guilty about hurting them more than I already hurt them. 

Life is utterly complicated. How am I supposed to get it right at the first shot? How is anyone supposed to manage it? I know I'm not the one feeling so lost and alone. It is an universal thing about being twenty five? 

Tonight, I'll get in my bed and think about death. I'll put some music on to drown my thoughts and I'll try to get a good night of rest. Tomorrow, I'll get up and eat a breakfast. I'll roam my room and try to find something to do in order to not be bored. To not feel like I'm ruining my life. It's the only one I have and I already lost so much time. All this time I'll never get back. Is it too late? Or am I just too early at my late-thirties realization that I ruined my life?

I wish it was easier for me to talk to others. To share this weight. But every time I try, I feel like a burden. It's not fair of me to put the people I love in my shoes. Because I'm glad it's mine. Because they all deserve so much more than what I have. Than what I'd ever be able to give them. I don't want to be a part of their weight. Even more because I know they'd take it. They'd take it without a second doubt. Because my friends are the loveliest people I know. I'm not sure I deserve their kindness but I'm sure glad I have it. As it's a bit easier to get up everyday thanks to them. 

I always feel like I live on borrowed time. At this point, I'm just wondering how much longer it'll take until someone reclaim this time. Until I have no more left. I just hope that, in the end, there's no suffering. Not for me and not for the others. May my mother not cry too much. May my family still talk about me with happiness in their hearts. May my friends move on quickly. May the people who hurt me think about what they did to me. May I find some solace in this terrifying death awaiting me. It'll happen one day. For everyone. I know that. I just hope it won't take me too much by surprise. I don't want to leave without having the chance to tell the people I love how I feel about them. 

Chicken Buns

I rarely ever cook. It's not something I enjoy, I strongly dislike getting my hands dirty, both metaphorical and physical. I find it annoying and tiring. If you want to eat something delicious then you have to get out, do the groceries, come back home and then cook for like an hour before you get to have anything. Anytime I cook, I end up not being hungry anymore. I believe it's also due to my complicated relationship with food. I often eat always the same four or five things, alternating between breakfast and supper. I know my way of living is awful. It doesn't help getting better. 

So today I went outside. I took a walk. I put a pretty outfit on and listened to my current playlist. It was hot and it would've been perfect but the wind kind of pissed me off. Wind always, ALWAYS, gives me headaches and it has the power to make me so, so, so mad. It might be one of the things I hate the most on earth. But it's also necessary for, like, a million of stuff... Anyway, I went to the store. Three old ladies were talking in the fruits aisle and some guy waited behind me in line. He was a bit intimidating and I think he tried to talk to me at some point but I'm very, very anxious whenever I'm alone outside so I acted as if I didn't hear him. The cashier looked at me a bit funny but it might only be my brain acting up. The wind was worse on the way back home and it pushed my skirt all around me, making it annoying to walk because my feet kept on getting stuck in the hem. Overall, this little walk was terrible. But my old therapist once told me that I have to concentrate on the good things, even if they're really tiny and minimal. I saw a cat in a field and it was sunny. I got to wear a top I really like for the first time and put on a different pair of shoes than the ones I usually wear. It wasn't perfect but I didn't die on the way so it's a win, I guess. Well, it depends really... 

Anyway, I went outside with a plan in mind because this morning, while I was doom scrolling my life away on tiktok, I saw a recipe for chicken buns. And they looked really, really delicious and they seemed really, really easy to do. Even for someone like me, who doesn't cook ever. I thought about them throughout the day until I decided that I would eat them tonight. You see, one of my favourite meal is my friend's chicken pot pie. It isn't hers per se but she's the one who always cooks it for me. And I miss it quite a lot these days but in some way, it doesn't feel right to eat it by myself or to make it without her. So the chicken buns were the perfect alternative. 

Whenever I try to cook, my main rule is that I absolutely need EVERY information. What ingredients? How many of each? How long do I have to do everything? How? When? With what? But the tiktok didn't have that kind of infos. It said chicken buns, use whatever you like and cook it this kind of way but you can do it differently if you want, bon appétit! I didn't let it prevent me from reaching my goal. I had decided that I'd eat chicken buns and I would! So I wrote every information he gave me and tried to put the recipe in a bullet point list. And then I did my best. I don't have the sixth sense that most of people seem to have when it comes to cooking. They always say "do that until it feels right" but how am I supposed to know what's right? I don't know anything about this! 

Because of that, I cooked my chicken in the most inefficient way possible, I cut my mushrooms like a toddler and I put any spices I thought would be good without even knowing how they tasted. I almost burnt the buns and put too much of stuffing so the dough was too thin in some spots. But, surprisingly enough, after almost two hours of cooking, the chicken buns were ready to be eaten and they were great! There are many things that can be changed but, at the end of the day, I cooked a meal. Without any help from anyone. All by myself. And I ate it. There are even leftovers for tomorrow! It was indeed annoying and tiring and I hated getting my hands dirty but the satisfaction of eating something I made almost made me think that I could try again. And I'll probably will. 

I'm just trying to change my life, one day at a time. I'm taking it slowly, at my own pace. 

I'd just like to love myself before dying and since I can't know when it'll happen then I better start soon. It's harder to be kind to me than to others since I'm always living in my head. But maybe taking a walk or cooking a meal could help me getting out of there. I'll try to tidy up my room this weekend and maybe next week I'll bake something. I'll go swimming with my mom and, if the weather stays kind, I'll even go cycling. I just have to stay optimist. Even if I end up rotting away in my bedroom, I have to know that there's some part of me that genuinely wants to leave this place, to get better. I have to hang on to it. 

The buns I made!!!

Here's the recipe if you want to make Chicken Buns! :)

Ingredients: some chicken, any vegetables you like (mushrooms, pepper, carrots, etc.), olive oil, curry or any spice you like, cream (idk how to say it in english but in french it's crème fraîche, look it up), pizza dough and grated cheese

1. cut the chicken and the vegetables, try to make enough for the amount of dough you have

2. put a bit of olive oil in a pan and add your spices

3. grill your spices a bit then add the rest, you can adjust the seasoning then

4. after a little while add the cream

5. let rest on low heat while you cut your dough in even squares

6. when it's cooked, let the stuffing cool down a bit

7. put your stuffing in even portions on the dough

8. you can then add some grated cheese if you like

9. close the buns and try to make them as round as you can

10. put some parchment paper in your pan and put the buns on it, it'll help them not stick to it

11. leave your buns on low heat with a lid for a moment, it can be either fifteen minutes or five, it all depends on how your stove works tbh

12. once it's been cooked on one side, turn them over and leave them for the same amount of time

13. when all your buns have been cooked and seem good enough then it's time to eat!!!

My mistakes were probably that I put random spices and that I didn't let the stuffing cool down long enough before putting it in the dough, but it was really good anyway so if I succeeded, I believe anyone can make this meal. And, most importantly, bon appétit! :)

Thursday

I won't remember what I did today in ten years, ten days or even ten hours. This day feels the same as the 438 last ones. This is the same Thursday as the others. My sadness feels the same. My loneliness is the same. I'm still sitting on the same chair in the same room. Still crying for all the same reasons. 

I haven't seen any of my friends in almost two months. It's not their fault, needless to say. I know everyone else is busy with their own lives. Trying to get by in their own way. They all keep going on, whatever it takes. I know I'm the only one falling behind. Too sad to get up, too sad to go out. Well, I went out today. Not because I wanted to but I still left my room, for once. It was foggy at nine, when I first took a walk. But once I was done with the appointment I had, it was sunny and hot. I felt overdressed. Sun does wonders to someone sad. It can lighten up your mood, it makes you think that life is beautiful and worth it.

But I think it's been too long since I've started to be sad, the sun is too far gone. I'm withering away. 

I'll see my friends next week and we'll have fun but then I won't see them for two more months after that. It's a cycle I hate. I live too far. Everyone has other friends, other priorities. I'm not angry, though, even I do have other friends. I can't ask the world to be the first person they ever think about. I can't ask them to see me as the most important person in their lives. It would be hypocritical. My jealousy and sadness are none of their concern and shouldn't be. All of them are like the sun. They're far, far away from me. It might be how stars feel about it, right? They're all pretty on their own but the sun will always shine the brightest, be the warmest. The sun has been chosed by the earth, by the moon. The sun has its own set of stars, of planets. Maybe I'm wrong about it but I don't really care, I'm simply trying to pass my sadness as poetry. I'm not a few planets away. I feel like I'm in a whole different solar system. 

Today someone told me I was underestimating myself, not seeing the person I was through the right eyes. But I only have my eyes to see and my hands to touch and I haven't touched anyone in such a long time, I'm starting to believe that all I see in the mirror is a delusion. No one makes me feel real, anymore. I'm going through my days, through my weeks, like a ghost. 

I used to find myself pretty. The prettiest flower, the prettiest star. I was vain and I was sad but I least I felt happy whenever I saw my reflection. Now I hate my face again. It feels wrong. As if someone had stolen my eyes and mouth and nose and eyebrows during the night and put them back all wrong in the morning. As if I had cried so much that everything had moved because of my tears. Alas, I can't help but cry. They're the only thing still mine. 

I miss my friends but I don't reach out. Because I don't want them to feel how sad I am. I don't want them to feel like they have to care, like I'm forcing my feelings on them. I'd like to talk to them but I don't talk about the hard things. I never did. I'm just sitting in the corner, waiting for someone to help me get my mind off things. I'm just waiting for someone to remember I exist so we can have a good time together and then go back to what it was before. My loneliness. The stupid thing about it is that I know it's not right. I know my friends don't care about stuff like that. I know that they love me as much as I love them. I know they'd like to spend more time with me, too, but they just can't. It's the way things are. Life is busy. But my brain can't be rational. My brain makes me want to disappear. Maybe I will. Maybe I'm trying. 

Maybe, just like a star, I was dead long ago but you still see me shining above you all. I'm frozen in place, I'm exploding in a billion of pieces. When did I die? Why did no one realized it? 

I don't want to leave you but I fear it's too late. The sun is a million years away and I'm just out of reach. 

I'll see my friends soon. We'll have a good time. I'll say we should do this more often, they'll agree. We won't see each other for two more months. It's alright. We'll talk and call and do some things on the internet. We'll act as if I don't miss them dearly each passing minute. As if I wasn't wishing I could just see them every single day. I love my friends so much it crushes my heart because I know I'll never be able to make them understand how much I love them. They're the reason I still wake up every morning. The reason I smile, thinking about things they said or did. I may not know everything that's going on in their lives but I'm still standing on the side, ready to support them. I'll do it quietly, without them knowing. I'll see them walk away and I'll keep on wishing that they're happy, always. I love my friends and I never tell them. I physically can't because I'm afraid they don't like me back. I know they do, though. Because they're my friends and they're the best people I know. Because they're kind and pretty and funny. Because I love them despite their minor flaws. Because I miss them constantly. I'll think about the afternoons spent laughing about stupid things, the holidays away from the world, the travels and the day-trips. They're in everything I do, in every part of the day. I don't spend a single day without thinking about them. I love my friends because I'm made of them in many ways. I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. Sure, I dislike many things about me but I love every parts they gave me. They're my sun. And I'm only a star, shining, fading, far away from them. 

It's a Thursday night. I did my duolingo (837 days, russian) and washed my face. My cat is acting weird and I hope she's not sick. I've started a tv show and I almost failed today's wordle. Tomorrow I'll stay in my room. I have many things to do but none of them are important. None of them feel important. No one care if I fulfill my to-do list. Not even me. But I'll keep on making to-do lists. I'll keep on getting up and making my bed to feel like I have control. I'll keep on kissing my cat's flat head thousands of time a day just because I love her more than anything in the whole world and I'm always scared that she's not well but can't tell me because we don't speak the same language. 

I'll keep on loving my friends silently.

Little Women (2017) review

Review / commentary I wrote on Letterboxd last year, thought I'd post it here since it's so long...

It's way more than a live commentary of the show than a real review but I believe I said some interesting things. Please, excuse me for the bad grammar and the absence of capital letters! 

EPISODE 1

The opening sequence is so good.. i love how it shows their characters and their relationship to one another. and also their relationship to their father and what he's going through. it's not so much but i love they added this because i believe it adds to their characters, too. they're their father's daughters!!

maya hawke's jo is honestly so good.. as is willa fitzgerald's meg!!!!!!! i think she's my favorite meg out of all the adaptations i've seen. she's just her yknow??

i love how well they're represented in the very start of the show. i love that meg is doing needle work on the sofa, watching over her sisters, while beth is sitting in the corner with their cats. jo laying in the middle of them all, ranting, and amy coming in with a smirk and a way to show that her manners are better than jo's.. it's them. it's so much them. and the way amy sits like a kid because she's one.. and i LOVE that beth is speaking up and bantering (in her own way) with her sisters. i love that she's really part of them and not kinda an outsider.. yes she's sick and shy but she's also full of youth and joy.

"I can't help that I like boy's clothes and work and manners. Being born a girl is the most disappointing thing that ever happened to me."

jo march i love you dearly..

i have to say i love the soundtrack so much!!!! it's so comforting..

LAURIEEEEEE i love him my boyyy.......

i love that they show more of his relationship with his grandfather!!

i'm happy that they show meg and beth acting as joyful and youthful as their sisters because they're often dismissed as the serious and quiet ones when they're as much michevious as their sisters!!!!!!!! meg wants to be an actress but the 1994 movie absolutely didn't give me that feeling. and it put beth on the outside. here, they're playful and happy and loud and i love them!!!!!!!

when i first came across little women, i instantly got fond of jo, obviously. i think she's the one people will most likely love because she's free spirited and funny and brave and all of that. she represents feminism and womanhood in an interesting sense for this time. but i also absolutely loved amy because she's the kind of characters i can't help but love dearly. a little selfish, a pest, but overall caring and tender with a great heart and an even greater character development. and, of course, i couldn't help but care about beth. lovely, lovely beth. my beth. the one i feel the most connected to. i see myself in her. i love her more than everything....

but even if i loved meg as much as the others, i felt a little distant from her. she was the big sister. the responsible one. i cared for her but not with as vigorously as i did for the others. she was my outsider. but now, i'm finally seeing her for who she really is. a heart so big and full of love and dreams. and a life a little bit too small for her. but she doesn't mind. i'm really starting to love her more and more and more. she's the one sacrifying her dreams and hopes for another life. a more comfortable one. to be fair, it's not really a sacrifice. it's more of a trade. as she's growing up, she's letting go of her childish dreams. she build the life she wants for herself. a life just like her heart. full of love.

and it's so admirable!! and now that i'm more grown up, i feel like she's the one i want to be. i want to find my life the same way she did. even if it means letting go of my dreams. because i think it's okay to replace childhood hopes with adult realities. as long as we don't lose our love. just the way meg did.

anyway coming back to the show!!

i love that laurie and jo's first meeting isn't at the party but casually on the street. it's cute. i totally can imagine that laurie saw them all go outside and he just grabbed the first thing (a football) and went outside just to have an excuse to meet them!!!!!! there's no way my boy was playing with a football on christmas morning alone in his courtyard lmao!! and i like that there's no awkwardness or whatever. i love that jo is just oversharing and laurie is doing the same. they're both so chaotic and in need of a friend!!!!!!!! i love them!!!!!!

also i have the same scarf as laurie. :]

i'm sad they didn't keep the dancing scene between jo and laurie tho.. it really was one of my favorite scene.. just them fooling around..... my babies.......

the hair scene is soooo funny lmao i love their reactions to jo burning meg's hair it's literally so on point!! they're my silly little girls..

i also looooove the scene where meg asks jo to swap one of her gloves with one of hers. so they both have a nice one and a spoiled one.. it's such a tender attention. something so little but it shows how much meg cares about her sister and her manners.. they're adorable.......

"If I do anything really wrong, will you wink at me?"

"I will do no such thing. I shall raise my eyebrows. That's much more lady-like!"

jo and meg's relationship is so important to me!!!!!! they both rely so much on each other..

also i love that each of the girls has an art form that they truly care about. like jo has writing, amy's painting and drawing, beth plays the piano and meg loves acting. it represents them so well, too!!!!!!

like jo loves to talk and her mind is full of everything that she experiences and she has so many ideas about the world and her way to express it is by creating stuff that she can share with her sisters!! reading isn't for everyone but stories are a perfect way to connect with people. storytellers are the backbone of society as they're the one sharing history. jo is a pillar in her family in this sense. she's the keeper of her sisters' feelings and dreams and hopes. she doesn't need a journal because everything she writes reflects her mind and emotions. she's an historian. and i think that's why it's so meaningful that she writes her family's story at the end. it shows how important writing is for her. not only because it's her passion and her dream. but also because it's her way to cope with anything. every word is a part of her. she's literally an open book.

amy isn't really fond of words or learning academic things. she doesn't like school except for the social part of it. but she still has so many dreams and ideas and her creativity flows through her fingers. she draws and paints and that's her way to show others how she feels and how she perceives the world around her. she can seems prim and proper but isn't scared of getting her hands dirty in pursuing her art. and she loves trying new stuff and techniques. she won't let anything get in the way of her creativity. and it's really showing in her character. how she handles things and acts with others. art is all about errors and trials. redoing the same thing fifteen times until you get it right. amy is the same. she hurts people, she makes mistakes. she makes amends and try to correct her attitude. but she's also young. so she doesn't always get how her actions can impact others. just the same way she'll paint something for herself, without thinking about the way others will interpret it.

as for beth, she's truly just like music. always around. always there. in the background, discreet but important. playing piano is her way to show that she's here. that she exists. and she conveys her emotions and feelings through the music. she's really not good with words or social settings. playing piano gives her something to do when there's other people around and it also gives her a voice. she's the quiet one but she still has stuff to say. and i can totally imagine her playing loudly when no one's home. or writing music when it's the middle of the night and a bad cough is keeping her up. it's her escapism out of her house and out of herself.

and meg.. she's an actress in the flesh. she's great at portraying the characters that jo writes for her but also at being the person people need. she's the best at playing roles. big sister, confident, perfect daughter, helpful lady, good friend. she thrives in society because the world is her scene. she enjoys making pretend. losing herself in someone she's not really. and i think it's the reason why it was so easy for her to set aside her dreams for another path. being a wife and a mother is just another role, for her. not that she's pretending and that she's miserable!!! meg loves experiences and learning about people. that's how she is the best at manners and etiquette. social cues are her language. she's going off script. she's the best at improvising.

and what i love the most about all of that is the way marmee is soooo supportive of them. she's ready to fight so they get the chance to pursue their dreams.. i love her...

"Let us be elegant or die..." is really one of my favorite quote from the book and i'm so happy they kept it!!!!!! i just love it so much..

beth and her dolls make me so happy too.. she's so cute........ my baby.. and the scene with marmee asking her to go outside and take part in the world.. i just care so much for her.......

i LOVE laurie and jo's relationship and the way they're complementing each other but not really.. laurie wants to be part of a family. he wants to have the freedom of pursuing his passions and being able to dream. jo wants to have the rights and the means of going out in the world and acting the way she wants without anyone telling her what to do. they work so well together because they found a companion in the other. a dream. they're soulmates. not because they have the same ideas and share the same dreams but because they both know how it feels to want to be someone else.

laurie doesn't want to pursue his grandfather' dreams of career for him. he wants to be free. but the second jo express envy towards what he has, he jumps on the occasion and tells her they'll go together. because all he wants is to be with her. and all she wants is to see the world... it's kinda like the scene of when laurie goes to college in the 1994 movie.

but i have to say, their relationship doesn't work as well in this show as it does in 1994. i can't really pinpoint what it is exactly but yeah.. they don't feel as compatible amd comfortable with each other as they do in the 1994.. idk..... but yeah it's not really the same to me..

amy deserved to watch the seven princesses of the diamond lake............

beth trying to overcome her fears.. my baby!!!! i just know how it is to be petrified by fear.. i love her :((

also yes amy is really mean and she didn't have to burn jo's book and if it was me i would have a really hard time forgiving her but also amy is twelve, she's a kid. she's the baby sister who wants to spend time with the grownups or the older kids. and also, she really admire meg and wants to be a lady just like her. so when it's jo who gets to spend time doing lady-like stuff, it seems unfair. i totally get why amy acted like that. even if it was uncalled for and terrible and selfish and cruel and everything. in that moment, amy was hurt. and she only thought about the way of hurting jo back. and if you think about it, amy seems really passionate about the play meg and jo went to so it makes sense that she's mad she can't enjoy just because of her age and insignificant stuff like etiquette. so she wants to clap back at jo... but i've been a little sister. i've been a big sister. i know how it feels to be left out because of the age. i know how it feels to have something you care about ruined because kids can't think about the consequences..

i also love how the reaction scene is played. how no one is forgiving amy and they're all making sure she knows it was wrong. no one's comforting her and she's learning it the hard way. i like that. because in the 1994 movie, meg is comforting her on the spot. and the argument is really downplayed. it seems as it's only a simple thing. so yeah i'm glad they treated it that way!!! also i like that they showed amy apologizing and how she reacts when jo tells her she can't.

"I don't mind if you cry, Jo."

"Tears are an umanly weakness."

"You're not a man!"

i really like the lake scene.. all the fear and guilt jo's feeling. the way she just goes toward her sister without even thinking about the risks. and how she can't think straight because she's terrified of losing her dear baby sister.. it just paints sisterhood so well. like, of course some days you'll hate your sister because of something she did. but it doesn't mean you're not ready to do anything for her.

and the aftermath.. jo's guilt...... when she talks about her anger.... i can't help but find myself in her words. i know what she means because i've felt like this before.. and it's so comforting when marmee tells her that she's just like her..

"But I am angry. Almost every day of my life. I've been trying to cure my rage for forty years."

and then everything is over with an exchange of excuses. and smiles.

the scene with the vaughan on the boats is adorable too!! i love bow playful they are.. and beth doing her best to overcome her anxiety and being just so kind and nice..... she's a treasure.

and it's a pleasure to see more of meg and john's relationship!! it doesn't feel so out of nowhere. they both have a interest in each other and show it casually.. they're adorable. i really like them together.

and the development of beth and mr. laurence's friendship!!!!!!! it's really heartwarming to see that they found comfort in being each other's companion.

"I thought silence was her best memorial."

EPISODE 2

i really love kathryn newton's portrayal of amy.. i think she's the best at acting both younger and older than her own age. her 12yo amy doesn't stand out too much and i like that. and i still get the feeling that she's a younger girl than she is without trying too much. she's unbearable but still really lovable yknow?

meg sharing her happiness of being able to stay with her friends and go to a ball with amy is so cute.. i love their moments together and their relationship.

and i'm happy that they showed john taking care and helping marmee and being part of the family even before proposing to meg.. he's such a gentleman tbh!!

oh how i love meg.. it's really this version that made me fall in love with her.... seeing how she's envious of her friends but still admits that it's okay and that's how life is..

i think the show emphasis a lot on jo and laurie's differences instead how showing how well they work together. lot of their scenes together are just them arguing because laurie isn't happy with is life and jo has to remind him to be grateful and how lucky he is and blah blah blah.. i wish they could've added some scenes where they're just spending playful time together without the need of telling us about their differences..

but as much as i don't really like their friendship the way it is in this adaptation, i also think it's what made me really like amy and laurie's relationship. because they spend so much time showing us that laurie is different from jo that when he's with amy (who's also very different from her) then they seem perfect for one another. without even trying to hard. and i think it's pitiful they did it this way.

laurie being jo's platonic soulmate and amy's romantic soulmate shouldn't exclude one or the other. he's both. he found himself in jo because of the troubles of their lives and their dreams. and he found himself in amy because of their joy and love of the same dreams.

if jo is the sun then laurie is the moon. and amy is the stars around. they can and should all exist together.

also i hate the discourses that amy wanted laurie because he was jo's friend first. or that laurie loved amy because he saw her as jo's replacement!!!!!! omg!!!!

their love is so much more than that?? i truly believe that amy admired him since the first time they met. she saw kindness and spirit and novelty in him and that's why she was jealous of his connection with jo but never really meant to get in the middle of them. if laurie liked jo it was alright for amy as he would still be a part of their family. and then, her admiration and fondness turned into love as she grew up and jo rejected him.

as for laurie i'll wait until i rewatch the rest of the show to share my thoughts!!

i love how beth's reaction at amy's "punishment" is shown!! she's furious and isn't afraid to show it. and the way she's taking care of her little sister. of her baby sister!!!!!!! beth is terrified of everything but as soon as something happens to one of her beloved sisters, she's unable to contain her anger. she can be so discreet but i love that she's explaining to amy why her teacher should be punished.. it's just so important to me that beth is a real character with a real personality instead of just being the sick and quiet one. of course she'd be indignated that her baby sister has been hurt at school!! and of course she'd tend to her wounds with all the kindness of her heart.

i also loved how, earlier in the episode, she reminded amy of something marmee had told them. she was strict but fair and still so full of love and kindness.. i really adore her......

and the way she shout at jo because she's playing their parents' favorite song.. it's her way of comforting her sister and herself. it's her way of saying "it'll be okay"... :(

also. meg at the ball. i love her. she's not being herself but i don't really see it as something bad? she's an actress so she's just acting and enjoying a life she might never have in the future. it's her one and only chance of playing pretend.. and i love her for that!! she only start to care when she realises that people mischaracterizated her way too much. and she's mad they thought her sweet and loving mother could have made PLANS of marrying her of with an heir!! she's stopping the role because people didn't get her character!! and it started to affect her family. and no one can touch her family!!

i love her so much :((

amy putting her foot in whatever was in the bucket is so stupid and funny i love that she's really just a little girl experimenting with life and art and doing errors lmaoooo

"And can't you see I'm being incommodate by my art?"

beth is really way too good.. i'm devastated..... i love her :((

the way she's really putting everyone before herself.. she's unable to cross the road to play at mr. laurence's house but won't hesitate a single minute to run and ask for help for others. she has such a kind soul..

laurie trying to convince amy to go stay with aunt march is really one of my favorite scenes.. of course she's crying and kicking and screaming and of course he's screaming back because he just wants her to be safe..... and he knows exactly what to say to calm her.. he knows exactly how she feels because that's probabky how he felt before moving in with his grandfather. he knows what it is to stay weeks on end in a dull house with a cross old man!! and he knows solitude and wouldn't wish it to anyone. especially amy. because she's a social person, just like him. i think they both strongly rely on other people to feel good..

and i know he's offering to come and see her because it's one of the only way to make her go. but it's also because he enjoys her company!! he doesn't mind spending every day with her.

she's acting like a spoiled brat and they both know it very well. but he doesn't mind. because he knows how she really feel inside. she's hurt and scared not for herself but for her dear sister. she knows it's serious and she's already so anxious about her father's health........

and beth.. oh my beth..... i love her :(

i love the way laurie gently keep up with amy's antiques but still tells her when she's going too far. i love that they both know they can better themselves and are agreeing that they can do it. they're good for each other.

"If you want to look revolting in your coffin, that is entirely up to you."

the scene of mr. laurence closing the piano is heartbreaking. he's ready to grieve for the second time.. :(

laurie trying to kiss jo while beth is sick is one of the worst scenes EVER. everything about it is soooo wrong omg... my boy!! her sister is on her death bed!! don't try to kiss your best friend!!!!!!!! i HATE it.. why did they include this?? it was so unnecessary....... it really feels like they're just trying to show us how their relationship can't work in any way possible but it's wrong!! they're the best of friends!! just not made to love each others.. why can't they be just friends??????? i'm kinda pissed about it..

and the problem isn't that laurie is in love with jo because i think it's okay. my problem with this whole scene and their relationship in this adaptation it's that it feels so empty and shallow?? as if they were friends only because laurie loves her?? as if he doesn't care about beth dying?????? yes he's in love with jo but before everything else he loves the march family!! he loves meg and amy and beth too! he's their friend too!! and i'm kinda sad that they took out the whole private club and theater out of this adaptation because i think it added a really important part of his relationship to the marchs..

making him act as if he doesn't care about beth is revolting.

also yes laurie is flawed. he thinks he will be able to make jo love him. he's so sure that he will make her care about love.. but i think that's part of his character. he's an entitled teenager.. it's not a good thing but i don't think it's that bad...... until he kisses her out of nowhere........ :||

marmee coming home, beth getting better and the others making her a snowman.... love them all so much :(

meg taking care of beth<3333

laurie buying a pack of oranges because he thought jo was at the dentist hhhhhh i love him he's so caring and nice ;;;

jo's speech about growing up i love her!!!!!

THE NEW PIANO!!!!!!!!!!!! and their father!!!!!!!!!! it's a happy christmas indeed omg.....

i love john and meg!! my babies!!!!! the way she says "I will marry well because John loves me!" before realising and adding "And I love him." with such genuineness.... yes you love him my darling you do!! and not only because he does or you're defying your aunt march.. she's so happy with him..

all of them singing for their parents and friends.. the smiles they're sharing..... oh how they care so earnestly for each other...

beth cutting every story jo published in the papers omg she really is her biggest fan!!!!! and she's probably jo's muse.. :(

it's so important to see the way jo sees her writing versus the way her father sees it. for her, writing and publishing stories isn't about recognition or art anymore but it' a way to provide for her family. something she longed to do for the longest time. it's the closest thing from being a boy she'll ever have. she can help her parents and sisters by selling her thoughts and ideas. it's no longer a passion from the heart but the mean to have a better life.

and it's so interesting to see her father trying to make her understand it shouldn't be this way... he's so right when he tells her, "You must also nurture yourself and that means to nurture your writing. It's more sacred than you allow yourself to think." like!!!!!!!!!!

writing was her passion. what she lived for. what she longed to do forever. she saw it as the key to her castle in the sky. and now, she can use it to help the ones she loves but her father isn't wrong when he says it's sacred. because if a passion becomes labor then it's not a passion anymore. and i love the way he wants to protect her from losing the one thing she's really passionate about..

"There are too many things I have to achieve by it, Father."

meg is soooooo pretty in her wedding dress omg.. and them wearing all flower crowns and surprising marmee.. i love them i love them i love them so much......

and i love how they portrayed marmee's love of her daughters. she's not interfering a lot in their lives, letting them make their own experiences. but she's always there for them. a shoulder to cry on, strong arms to support them. and the way she's closing the door to cry after seeing them and feeling overwhelmed by her love for them.... it's wonderful to see how much she loves them.

and aunt march coming to the wedding!!! it makes me so happy..

seeing how amy takes good care of beth is so heartwarming.. i feel like their relationship is the one that's the least shown and it's so sad because i just know they both love each other so much!!!!!

"Beth's fading away."

oh laurie i swear to god stop trying to change jo's mind about marriage or about you!!! the girl's not interested!!!!!!! move on!!!!!!!!!! i love him dearly but he can be kinda annoying when he wants.......

EPISODE 3

meg is pregnant!!!! my baby!!

"Our house is full of stories, lives unfolding, wings waiting to take flight."

amy is sooo pretty!!!!!! my beloved

beth hiding her pain.. no my love......

i know jo thought it was her that'll go to europe with aunt march and their cousin or whatever because she worked for the old lady for years and it wasn't a good job but she kept up with it because she was certain there would be a reward. i get that she can be frustrated that she wasn't choose but, to be fair, she did it to herself.. amy is thrilled to go to europe but she also knows how much jo wanted to go.. but it's not her fault nor her place to care.......

twins!!!!!!!!!!! meg got twins!!!! i'm so happy for them..

i love beth and laurie's special relationship. they have something unique. not so much in words but little acts every day. him saluting her when he pass by the window. sharing smiles on the lawn. i'm sure he buys her some new music sheets every year for her birthday. and she knits him a new scarf or slippers for his. she admires him as much as he admires her...

oh please laurie stop trying to kiss jo it's just painful to watch...................

jo misunderstandings beth and thinking she's in love with laurie will never be not funny to me omg jo wake up!!

i'm sorry but i really can't understand jo and laurie's friendship in this adaptation. they just seem to never agree with each other. they're always arguing about everything and nothing.....

friedrich uuuuugh let me throw up..... i like this version of him better than the 1994's one but i still absolutely hate him............ weird old man.. i don't care if he's good with children and have a nice mind or whatever i hate it.

amy in europe!!!!!!!! my love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the fact that she keeps reading jo's stories even on the other side of the world.. it's so comforting to know they'll always find a way to be all together....

laurie stop!!!!!! move on!!!!!!!!!!!!! stop confessing to her!!!!!!!!! it's so awkward!!!!!!!!! i hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ughhhhhhh

even if it could seem manipulative or whatever to cry after being rejected even if he knew that she would reject him, i like that they played it like this. because it sends us back to that time where beth said to jo that she could cry and jo replied it was an unmanly weakness. but now, seeing her best friend cry, she can know that even men cry when they're sad or hurt.

and i think jo is really sorry that she can't reciprocate his feelings (because she's a lesbian) and if she could have, he's the only one she would've wanted by her side. he's her soulmate, after all. her companion. they shared everything but not love..

ALSO that's part of why i don't understand why she'd choose friedrich over laurie when she's literally has no romantic feelings for any of them. she literally said to laurie that she would never love him or anyone that way but yet she still decides to go with friedrich?? it doesn't make any sense to me. i understand that she's mostly interested in his mind and ideas and sees in him a good companion for her lonely life but still......... i hate it..... jo should have ended alone or in an ambiguous relationship with another same spirited young woman...........

this part of the story will always make me a little bit pissed..

anyway i love that they showed laurie and mr. laurence's relationship!! and that he cares about his grandson's happiness.....

beth and jo at the beach.. no beth don't let yourself die....

amy and laurie in europe!!!!!!!! my loves!!!!!!

marmee's reaction is heartbreaking. truly heartbreaking. no one should go through that. nobody should have to bury a child...

"I could keep her safe here. And now she's going to go so far away from home."

i'm so sad........

"So many fresh flowers I might as well climb into a vase."

oh amy i love you.. and laurie my baby......

beth.. my beth..... my darling... it's so unfair

i love the scene of laurie and amy in the river.. they're so adorable....... i love them so much....... :((

the way they never said once the names of meg's children lmaooo

jo running to take amy in her arms :((

laurie's little speech to jo is really heartwarming.. it's what they both needed to hear and say..

i love seeing them all together at last.. that's what they truly deserve.......