Chicken Buns

I rarely ever cook. It's not something I enjoy, I strongly dislike getting my hands dirty, both metaphorical and physical. I find it annoying and tiring. If you want to eat something delicious then you have to get out, do the groceries, come back home and then cook for like an hour before you get to have anything. Anytime I cook, I end up not being hungry anymore. I believe it's also due to my complicated relationship with food. I often eat always the same four or five things, alternating between breakfast and supper. I know my way of living is awful. It doesn't help getting better. 

So today I went outside. I took a walk. I put a pretty outfit on and listened to my current playlist. It was hot and it would've been perfect but the wind kind of pissed me off. Wind always, ALWAYS, gives me headaches and it has the power to make me so, so, so mad. It might be one of the things I hate the most on earth. But it's also necessary for, like, a million of stuff... Anyway, I went to the store. Three old ladies were talking in the fruits aisle and some guy waited behind me in line. He was a bit intimidating and I think he tried to talk to me at some point but I'm very, very anxious whenever I'm alone outside so I acted as if I didn't hear him. The cashier looked at me a bit funny but it might only be my brain acting up. The wind was worse on the way back home and it pushed my skirt all around me, making it annoying to walk because my feet kept on getting stuck in the hem. Overall, this little walk was terrible. But my old therapist once told me that I have to concentrate on the good things, even if they're really tiny and minimal. I saw a cat in a field and it was sunny. I got to wear a top I really like for the first time and put on a different pair of shoes than the ones I usually wear. It wasn't perfect but I didn't die on the way so it's a win, I guess. Well, it depends really... 

Anyway, I went outside with a plan in mind because this morning, while I was doom scrolling my life away on tiktok, I saw a recipe for chicken buns. And they looked really, really delicious and they seemed really, really easy to do. Even for someone like me, who doesn't cook ever. I thought about them throughout the day until I decided that I would eat them tonight. You see, one of my favourite meal is my friend's chicken pot pie. It isn't hers per se but she's the one who always cooks it for me. And I miss it quite a lot these days but in some way, it doesn't feel right to eat it by myself or to make it without her. So the chicken buns were the perfect alternative. 

Whenever I try to cook, my main rule is that I absolutely need EVERY information. What ingredients? How many of each? How long do I have to do everything? How? When? With what? But the tiktok didn't have that kind of infos. It said chicken buns, use whatever you like and cook it this kind of way but you can do it differently if you want, bon appétit! I didn't let it prevent me from reaching my goal. I had decided that I'd eat chicken buns and I would! So I wrote every information he gave me and tried to put the recipe in a bullet point list. And then I did my best. I don't have the sixth sense that most of people seem to have when it comes to cooking. They always say "do that until it feels right" but how am I supposed to know what's right? I don't know anything about this! 

Because of that, I cooked my chicken in the most inefficient way possible, I cut my mushrooms like a toddler and I put any spices I thought would be good without even knowing how they tasted. I almost burnt the buns and put too much of stuffing so the dough was too thin in some spots. But, surprisingly enough, after almost two hours of cooking, the chicken buns were ready to be eaten and they were great! There are many things that can be changed but, at the end of the day, I cooked a meal. Without any help from anyone. All by myself. And I ate it. There are even leftovers for tomorrow! It was indeed annoying and tiring and I hated getting my hands dirty but the satisfaction of eating something I made almost made me think that I could try again. And I'll probably will. 

I'm just trying to change my life, one day at a time. I'm taking it slowly, at my own pace. 

I'd just like to love myself before dying and since I can't know when it'll happen then I better start soon. It's harder to be kind to me than to others since I'm always living in my head. But maybe taking a walk or cooking a meal could help me getting out of there. I'll try to tidy up my room this weekend and maybe next week I'll bake something. I'll go swimming with my mom and, if the weather stays kind, I'll even go cycling. I just have to stay optimist. Even if I end up rotting away in my bedroom, I have to know that there's some part of me that genuinely wants to leave this place, to get better. I have to hang on to it. 

The buns I made!!!

Here's the recipe if you want to make Chicken Buns! :)

Ingredients: some chicken, any vegetables you like (mushrooms, pepper, carrots, etc.), olive oil, curry or any spice you like, cream (idk how to say it in english but in french it's crème fraîche, look it up), pizza dough and grated cheese

1. cut the chicken and the vegetables, try to make enough for the amount of dough you have

2. put a bit of olive oil in a pan and add your spices

3. grill your spices a bit then add the rest, you can adjust the seasoning then

4. after a little while add the cream

5. let rest on low heat while you cut your dough in even squares

6. when it's cooked, let the stuffing cool down a bit

7. put your stuffing in even portions on the dough

8. you can then add some grated cheese if you like

9. close the buns and try to make them as round as you can

10. put some parchment paper in your pan and put the buns on it, it'll help them not stick to it

11. leave your buns on low heat with a lid for a moment, it can be either fifteen minutes or five, it all depends on how your stove works tbh

12. once it's been cooked on one side, turn them over and leave them for the same amount of time

13. when all your buns have been cooked and seem good enough then it's time to eat!!!

My mistakes were probably that I put random spices and that I didn't let the stuffing cool down long enough before putting it in the dough, but it was really good anyway so if I succeeded, I believe anyone can make this meal. And, most importantly, bon appétit! :)