Thursday

I won't remember what I did today in ten years, ten days or even ten hours. This day feels the same as the 438 last ones. This is the same Thursday as the others. My sadness feels the same. My loneliness is the same. I'm still sitting on the same chair in the same room. Still crying for all the same reasons. 

I haven't seen any of my friends in almost two months. It's not their fault, needless to say. I know everyone else is busy with their own lives. Trying to get by in their own way. They all keep going on, whatever it takes. I know I'm the only one falling behind. Too sad to get up, too sad to go out. Well, I went out today. Not because I wanted to but I still left my room, for once. It was foggy at nine, when I first took a walk. But once I was done with the appointment I had, it was sunny and hot. I felt overdressed. Sun does wonders to someone sad. It can lighten up your mood, it makes you think that life is beautiful and worth it.

But I think it's been too long since I've started to be sad, the sun is too far gone. I'm withering away. 

I'll see my friends next week and we'll have fun but then I won't see them for two more months after that. It's a cycle I hate. I live too far. Everyone has other friends, other priorities. I'm not angry, though, even I do have other friends. I can't ask the world to be the first person they ever think about. I can't ask them to see me as the most important person in their lives. It would be hypocritical. My jealousy and sadness are none of their concern and shouldn't be. All of them are like the sun. They're far, far away from me. It might be how stars feel about it, right? They're all pretty on their own but the sun will always shine the brightest, be the warmest. The sun has been chosed by the earth, by the moon. The sun has its own set of stars, of planets. Maybe I'm wrong about it but I don't really care, I'm simply trying to pass my sadness as poetry. I'm not a few planets away. I feel like I'm in a whole different solar system. 

Today someone told me I was underestimating myself, not seeing the person I was through the right eyes. But I only have my eyes to see and my hands to touch and I haven't touched anyone in such a long time, I'm starting to believe that all I see in the mirror is a delusion. No one makes me feel real, anymore. I'm going through my days, through my weeks, like a ghost. 

I used to find myself pretty. The prettiest flower, the prettiest star. I was vain and I was sad but I least I felt happy whenever I saw my reflection. Now I hate my face again. It feels wrong. As if someone had stolen my eyes and mouth and nose and eyebrows during the night and put them back all wrong in the morning. As if I had cried so much that everything had moved because of my tears. Alas, I can't help but cry. They're the only thing still mine. 

I miss my friends but I don't reach out. Because I don't want them to feel how sad I am. I don't want them to feel like they have to care, like I'm forcing my feelings on them. I'd like to talk to them but I don't talk about the hard things. I never did. I'm just sitting in the corner, waiting for someone to help me get my mind off things. I'm just waiting for someone to remember I exist so we can have a good time together and then go back to what it was before. My loneliness. The stupid thing about it is that I know it's not right. I know my friends don't care about stuff like that. I know that they love me as much as I love them. I know they'd like to spend more time with me, too, but they just can't. It's the way things are. Life is busy. But my brain can't be rational. My brain makes me want to disappear. Maybe I will. Maybe I'm trying. 

Maybe, just like a star, I was dead long ago but you still see me shining above you all. I'm frozen in place, I'm exploding in a billion of pieces. When did I die? Why did no one realized it? 

I don't want to leave you but I fear it's too late. The sun is a million years away and I'm just out of reach. 

I'll see my friends soon. We'll have a good time. I'll say we should do this more often, they'll agree. We won't see each other for two more months. It's alright. We'll talk and call and do some things on the internet. We'll act as if I don't miss them dearly each passing minute. As if I wasn't wishing I could just see them every single day. I love my friends so much it crushes my heart because I know I'll never be able to make them understand how much I love them. They're the reason I still wake up every morning. The reason I smile, thinking about things they said or did. I may not know everything that's going on in their lives but I'm still standing on the side, ready to support them. I'll do it quietly, without them knowing. I'll see them walk away and I'll keep on wishing that they're happy, always. I love my friends and I never tell them. I physically can't because I'm afraid they don't like me back. I know they do, though. Because they're my friends and they're the best people I know. Because they're kind and pretty and funny. Because I love them despite their minor flaws. Because I miss them constantly. I'll think about the afternoons spent laughing about stupid things, the holidays away from the world, the travels and the day-trips. They're in everything I do, in every part of the day. I don't spend a single day without thinking about them. I love my friends because I'm made of them in many ways. I wouldn't be the person I am today without them. Sure, I dislike many things about me but I love every parts they gave me. They're my sun. And I'm only a star, shining, fading, far away from them. 

It's a Thursday night. I did my duolingo (837 days, russian) and washed my face. My cat is acting weird and I hope she's not sick. I've started a tv show and I almost failed today's wordle. Tomorrow I'll stay in my room. I have many things to do but none of them are important. None of them feel important. No one care if I fulfill my to-do list. Not even me. But I'll keep on making to-do lists. I'll keep on getting up and making my bed to feel like I have control. I'll keep on kissing my cat's flat head thousands of time a day just because I love her more than anything in the whole world and I'm always scared that she's not well but can't tell me because we don't speak the same language. 

I'll keep on loving my friends silently.