arcane

 I've finished Arcane season 2 and I feel... weird. Kind of empty. I feel as if a few years ago I would've made a lot of theories and wrote many things on the subject. My creativity would've been fuelled by such a magnificient work of art. But nowadays, I can't say everything. All my thoughts are a mess. 

I have a lot of feelings, I cried a lot but I can't say anything. I'm unable to and it's frustrating. I'd just like to say that I'm glad such a wonderful show can exist. It's so breathtaking... And the story... I'm not happy with all the choices that were made but I understand them, too. I love all those characters so much... I'm going to miss them.

long-term

I'd like to write something on here as to not let too much time pass without posting but I don't feel like writing about anything. It's not that I lack topics, thought, because I could tell you all about my new noise-cancelling headphones, the great book I just started reading or Arcane's season two. I could even talk about my favourite coworker who said I was his favourite coworker or how it snowed a lot the other day and I quite liked it. But I just can't. I start writing something and, almost immediately, it feels like too much. Like, there's too much to write about and I feel at loss. And it's kinda the same thing with everything else. As soon as I think that something will take too much time to do, I feel overwhelmed and I literally can't do it. That's why I'm struggling so much with watching movies nowadays or even writing The Brief History. I can't do anything for too long but, at the same time, I spend my days doing nothing but watching stupid true crime videos and playing a dumb game on my phone. And I feel so tired. As always. I just wish I wasn't so afraid of long-term commitments. Even if the long-term commitment in question is an hour and forty minutes-long movie or writing my story. I can't even focus on watching a show week by week. I can't feel excited about it because it takes too much time and I lose interest. It's so frustrating!

Anyway, I'm going to sleep now because I'm just so exhausted. 

busy bee

 What have I been up to in the last six days you might ask? I read four books (three of which weren't that good but fun nonetheless and one I really liked), watched the second season of The Sex Life of College Girls (OH MY GOD) and the two first episodes of Arcane season two (WHAT???????????), went to a Royel Otis show with Christine (it was really great even if we were right by the sound system), changed my bedsheets (finally) and, of course, worked! Thankfully, tomorrow is the last day before the weekend. I truly can't wait. I'm so, so tired. I know I always say that I'm exhausted but it's not my fault if it's how I feel most of the time... My mom bought vitamins so I might start taking them and I should get a new light therapy lamp soon...

Also, my computer is officially dying. I don't know what will break first: the system or the outside. Everytime I close and open the screen, there's a little part that creaks and breaks. There's a spot on my screen where I can't click on even if my mouse shows. The problem is, I don't have money. Like, I really, REALLY, don't have ANY money right now. I have many, many late unpaid bills piling up, I've even been prosecuted because of one of them. I owe my friends so much money and I know they don't mind if I give it back to them later than I said I would but it still bothers me greatly. On top of that, my headphones died too. Like, the left side doesn't work anymore. And we're still so far from the end of the month... 

I know everything will be fine once I've been paid but... I'm so sick of living this way. From paycheck to paycheck, spending most of my month without any money on my account because I had to pay for late bills and everything's gone by the first of the month. I hope my new salary will help me but it's still not much, honestly. Since I'm not working full-time, I can't expect more thought. It'll have to do. 

My brain is mush so I'm going to lay in bed and play games on my phone while listening to some dumb youtube video. Good night!

daily blogging...

 Once again, I'm not having a really great day. I feel so exhausted and anything annoys me... Thankfully tomorrow is my last work day before the weekend. I've finished the second season of The Sex Lives of College Girls today and I can't wait for the third season... It's going to be such a shit show! Tomorrow I'll start my Arcane rewatch before season two... I've missed them all so much... Viktor... My beloved... 

I'm going to sleep right now because I have a migraine and I'm so fucking tired... But I wanted to blog a bit before because I'd like to blog everyday, even if it's only a short post. I just want to share what's on my mind.

The Sex Lives of College Girls (season 1) review

 

I just finished season one of The Sex Lives of College Girls and I really enjoyed it!!! I thought it was a very interesting spin on many themes and storylines we're used to see in tv shows. Like nothing was normalized and even bad reactions to bad situations have been called out.

Firstly, I enjoyed that the "Sex Lives" moments were few and not too graphic. I don't really enjoy sex scenes in shows and stuff and I liked that none of the girls felt too sexualized even though the story is literally about their sex lives. Also, and excuse me for being woke, but I loved how diverse the main cast is! Not only in appearances or sexuliaties but also in personalities. At first, I thought these girls would never bond and become friends. Not in a million years! Even Bela and Kimberley who felt the most alike, they were still too different. But I loved seeing their growth and development over the episodes!

All the storylines were as important and as well treated as each other. I liked every minute of this first season and I can't wait to see more of them! I think my favourite might be Whitney but I truly love them all. My ranking is probably something like, Whitney then Leighton and Bela ex-aequo and then Kimberley. I rooted for Nico and Kimberley but wasn't too surprised when it turned out he was a jerk. I really love Canaan and Lila, too! The whole cast is really entertaining. I feel like I could say so much more but my mind is a bit numb so maybe I'll expand on that later.

Thanks for reading. Bye!!<333

monday

 I changed my computer's mouse cursor into a cute bunny! And my niece and nephew aren't coming today so it's a fully peaceful day. I'm going to continue The Sex Lives of College Girls and eat maltesers, yeepee. What a great Monday.

clean hair

 I took an everything shower but it didn't heal me. Only washed my hair and made me smell good. I feel so sad and depressed today. But, at the same time, I feel alright. I have kind of a breakdown this afternoon and I think it's because I felt overwhelmed. I'm trying to learn why I'm reacting in certain ways to certain things. I'm scared of putting too much emphasis on my autism diagnostic and not enough on myself. Where does the autism ends and Sarsh begins? 

On other news, I've started watching The Sex Lives of College Girls and I really enjoy it! I'm at episode 4 and my favourite is Whitney, I think. I like the four of them, really, but I'm waiting to see their growth. I kinda don't like Mindy Kaling's writing and stuff and some jokes really don't land with me but I'll see how it goes. Never Have I Ever is one of my favourite shows so I thinks she can make good stuff... 

I'm going to sleep, now. It's only 9pm but I'm exhausted. Tomorrow is a day off but my niece and nephew are coming over so it won't be a peaceful day... 

Thanks for reading. Bye!!<333

creativity

 I'm trying to write. I so badly want to continue telling The Brief History but it's so hard. I try to do as my therapist told me; letting go of my expectations and just writing. Putting down words without giving too much thoughts about them. It's hard. So, so hard. My creativity is like a scared, wild animal. Everytime I try to catch it, it slips out of my hands and hides further away from me. What am I supposed to do with this writer block? How can I fight it? 

I tried writing non-related stuff but it didn't work. Same goes for writing little snippets of my story, not caring of where or when they're supposed to stand in the timeline. I feel like nothing works. How am I supposed to call myself a writer when I can't fight against the writer block, ADHD, depression and autism beating my ass? I thought it was because of my meds but I don't think it's the truth. I have to find a way out of this. I have to find something to get me to write again. 

I really, really miss the times when I could write and write and write and write with little to no worries about what I put down. I was just writing everything in my head, directly down on the paper. Or my phone's notes app. Then I started to lose myself. I hope I'll find my spark back soon. Please. 

At least, I can write on here again. This whole rebranding of my blog really helped me with that. If only I could find something similar to do with my story! But it's not like I want to give up on these characters or write something else. I love them so dearly, I want to give them my all... 

perfectionism

 Yesterday, my therapist told me that I was a perfectionist. I never considered myself as such since I tend to give up on stuff before even finishing them and always working as little as possible. But she told me that was because I didn't want to put efforts in things I know won't be perfect, or good enough in my opinion. I'm not sure I'm explaining it well here because I'm tired and my brain isn't working but the way she said it, I totally understood what she meant. I don't put effort in the things I do because it means if it's not perfect, at least I didn't lose too much time or energy dealing with that. 

It's the same reason as for why I'm struggling so much with my creativity. I want to make great art, stuff that pleases my idea of beauty and greatness but I don't feel like I'm ever good enough to do so. And so, I don't draw, I don't write, I don't make anything because it means I won't have to be disappointed. 

I have to try and change this behaviour but it's easier said than done. I wish I could just fuck it, open Word and start writing the chapter 6 of The Brief History but it's been four months and I just can't. I wish I could open Procreate, pick up my pen and doodle stupid shit but I can't. My brain is my worst enemy. It's so tiring to live life this way. 

My therapist also told me that ADHD can cause this kind of behaviour and it's not only because of my perfectionism. I have to put my heart and mind in the same place and not on two different paths, or something like that. I get what she's saying but, once again, I don't think I can do it. Not now. Not yet. One day I'll probably be able to trick my brain into doing the stuff I want but these days I'm only its victim. 

I have a four-days weekend and I have things to do. I have to clean up my room and tidy a lot of things. I have to take a shower. I have to send emails and eat real meals and I'd like to write more than blog posts. I don't think I'll do any of that, thought. I know if I think this way then I'll never get anything done but you have to understand I'm exhausted. Currently, as I'm writing this, I'm thinking about getting back into bed and I'll probably do after I'm done blogging. I'll take a pack of chocolates and cuddle with my cat, watching youtube videos or a tv show. Nothing interesting. It's sunny outside but I don't want to get out. I don't want to talk to anyone. 

Yesterday, my therapist also talked to me about masking. Since she told me she was 99.9% sure that I'm autistic, she's been talking a lot about what it means and how I can deal with it. She explained that I've been masking for so long I'm probably not even aware of it. That's why everything always wears me out so much. I can be fine in any given situation then feel out of the world for days afterwards and that's because I was masking without knowing. I think I recognize myself a lot in that. Acting in certain ways, feeling alright at a certain time and then feeling down without knowing why... That's my life. I'm not yet sure of how I'm supposed to not mask or if I'll be able to stop doing it one day. Maybe I'll find other coping mechanisms that help me more. I wish I could live my life without feeling this exhaustion. I wish I could enjoy the good moments without thinking about the next thing. 

A few years ago, my ex-therapist talked to me about autism and it scared me. I think I wasn't as aware of my mental health and state as I am now. Being depressed was still scary and I was shy about it. I didn't know how to talk about it with my friends or other people. Autism seemed even worse than that. Maybe one day I could get rid of my sadness but if I was on the spectrum, it was a life sentence. When I told my friends back then, they told me it wouldn't change anything. Some of them are also on the spectrum but we never really talked about it. I couldn't think about it. For me, it was something that only happened to others. I did some tests and they came out insufficient. I was just under the red line separating me from autism. Just as I was just under the red line of a high intellectual potential. 

Just as I was just under the red line for everything all my life. 

For years, I thought there was something wrong with me. I always thought it was my fault for not being like others. For being different. For not being able to fit in. That was because I was too shy, too much of a coward. Because I never took any risk ever. And it probably is the case. But I can also say it's because of how I'm trying to be. Someone I'm not. I'm not sure if what I'm saying makes any sense but it's okay. You don't need to get it. I do. What I'm trying to say is there was never something wrong with me, per say. It was just my way of living this life in a way that didn't suit me. I changed a lot throughout the years and I evolved but some things stayed the same within me. 

It's not the autism versus myself. I have to accept this part of me as I accepted the depression and the ADHD. I have to see that because I'm on the spectrum, it doesn't have to mean anything but what I am. There are so many differences between autistic people. Just like everyone else in the world is different, too. I'm not autistic, depressed, mentally ill or anything. In the end of the day, I'm just me and I have to learn how to live with that. I think that's the hardest thing about all of that. I've spent so much time searching for what was wrong with me in order to fix it, I never thought all I had to do was to accept who I am first. 

My therapist asked me if I was mad it took 25 years to diagnose me. I don't think I am. I know some people live all their life without ever knowing. I know people who learn about it when they're children and are treated differently because of it. And people who know and live normal lives. I don't think there's a standard with autism. The way I act can be so different from how my friends on the spectrum can react. Just like with my friends who aren't on the spectrum. 

I only wanted to write a little blog post about perfectionism and I went on a rant about autism but I think I needed to exteriorise these thoughts. I'm not sure I'm making any sense but it's okay. I don't mind. And now, I'm crawling back into bed.