Mamma Mia and my Mamma Issues

When I was eleven-ish, I got my first own laptop at christmas. Or maybe it was my birthday. I was still young and didn't know many things. We used to have a familial computer, hidden in a big old wooden closet of sorts. I'd spend hours sitting in front of it, watching videos or playing flash games. I have very fond memories of this particular computer. But once I got my own, I left it behind. Not thinking that, one day, it wouldn't be there anymore. But it's the thing with childhood. And life, too. You never know when will be the last time you're doing something or meeting someone. 

The first movie I've ever watched on my own personal laptop was Mamma Mia. Illegally streaming on some shady website that my cousin showed me. I'm not sure if I had seen it before or if it was my first time. But I know for sure that it was the first movie I've ever streamed online. Thus, making it a part of my teenage years. 

Right away, I felt in love with this movie. I've always been a theater kid at heart (never set foot on a stage) and loved musicals. Only a few months prior, my best friend at the time had introduced me to Moulin Rouge and Les Miserables. I loved them both. Mamma Mia had a kind of magic in itself that I never had felt before. The songs were awesome, the scenery absolutely fire and the characters... Well, the characters... They became part of me in their own way, too. I loved them all, of course, but my absolute favourite was Donna. She wasn't like my mom. At all. Or so I thought, at the time. Donna and Sophie had such a wonderful relationship with each other. They trusted and confided in each other. They weren't afraid to talk. They always had time to spend together. Donna loved Sophie more than anything in the whole entire world. It didn't felt like my own relationship with my mom. 

If anything, the bond they shared looked more like what my sister and mother had with each other. I was out of the picture, there. Doesn't help that my sister is significantly older than me and that we don't have the same father. She always had a great relationship with her dad, while mine had always been complicated. So when I saw Donna and Sophie, I thought about them. But I didn't care. Because Donna could be mine, alone. I didn't had to share her with my sister or even Sophie, for that matter. I could watch Mamma Mia and see Donna as my own mother figure. Donna was never angry at Sophie. She had feelings and was proud of them. She was afraid at some points but never gave up. She was strong and brave and I wanted to be like her so badly. I never did. 

So, Mamma Mia was the first movie I've seen on the internet, illegally, and with my own computer. Mamma Mia is also the first musical I've ever seen live. When I was fifteen, my mom took me to London. We spent a week there, together and she surprised me by taking me to see my first ever musical. It was Mamma Mia. I don't think my mom ever knew how much I loved this story so I take it as destiny. We shared this moment and I don't remember much of it. My brain has always been really bad at keeping the great memories inside. So, instead, I recall all the times during this trip where I was a stupid, moody teenager and been mad at my mom for absolutely nothing. In almost every picture we have of this trip, I'm frowning and acting up. I hate it. I just wish I could turn back time and show and tell my mom how much I'm grateful that she offered me this. Instead of tainting all our moments with my bad temper. So, yeah, I was a dumb kid. Always been. 

You have to know that my parents divorced when I was two or three. Fact is, I never knew them together. It's always been two houses, two birthdays, two christmases and two families. They hated each other. Like, they physically couldn't stand in the same room as each other more than fifteen minutes. My dad was, and still is, a terrible person. My mom tried to act as if it wasn't the case. For my sake. I think she didn't knew at the time that it wasn't a good way to deal with everything. Because of that, because she wanted me to have a relationship with my father, I lost many things with her. I've spent most of my childhood feeling like a piece of meat torned between two lions. I'm using this metaphor solely because it's the one I've always used, ever since I was a kid. I never felt more than something they fought over merely for the sake of not losing the battle. I had two families but didn't felt at home anywhere. My mom worked a lot. She slept a lot, too. She was depressed and tired and I was a petulant child. I was temperamental and fussy and often did stupid things I wasn't supposed to do. My sister used to act as a mother to me, even though she was still really young herself. My mom was there but only in the background. 

I envied Sophie because she had a loving mother, loving aunts, loving friends, a loving community. She never knew who her father was but I envied this, too. I often wished that my father wasn't part of my life. That the choice was mine. Technically, it was. But you can't ask for a ten years old to tell their dad that they don't want to see him anymore because he's a scary man. And my mom only wanted the best for me. And in her mind, the best was having a father to take care of me. A father figure. 

I used to resent my mother for lots of things. Sometimes, I hated her more than I hated my dad. She felt like the true villain whenever she'd ground or scold me. I believed every horror my dad told me about her. I trusted him more than I trusted her. Because he was scary and always showed me his feelings. While my mom was nice and tired and kept her tears behind closed doors. And for the longest time, it felt like I had ruined both their lives. Because I wasn't planned, I was a surprise and I came at a really bad timing. My dad once told me that, if it wasn't for me, his life would be completely different. He'd be a renowned doctor in the US or whatever. My mother never told me no such thing but, after hearing it from my father's side, my childish mind just filled the blank. It was only a few months ago that I learned that she never felt this way. She told me herself how she knew, from the very beginning, that I was there, with her. How she loved me despite everything. She got married to my father and spent nine months in bed. She was sad and exhausted and sick but she loved me. 

Over the years, as I've grown and matured, I started to see things differently. Every little thing my mom did wasn't because she hated my father but because she loved me. She wanted for me to have a good life, to know him and to have the choice. She despised him but her love for me was stronger. She made many mistakes and not everything was perfect but she tried. It's her first life too, after all. And sometimes, I'm still mad at her for stupid things because we're both humans and that's how it works. Most times, I just feel guilty for acting like an ass to her. I try hard to be a good daughter but it can be hard. She's flawed and I'm far from being perfect. We're still trying. We'll never be Donna and Sophie but I made my peace with it. 

In 2018 or 2017, when the sequel for Mamma Mia was announced, I was ecstatic. Getting back Donna was all I ever wanted! Spending more time with her, learning more about her. It was like filling the hole I had in my heart. I couldn't talk with my mom but I could see a new Mamma Mia movie so everything in the world was right. 

I still remember the exact moment I learned about the plot of the movie. I was sitting at my desk, in the openspace. I opened twitter on my phone because I have ADHD and was bored. That's when I saw it. An article saying that Donna Sheridan would be dead in Mamma Mia 2. Donna. Dead. My heart sank. I quickly got up from my chair and made a beeline to the office bathroom and, within seconds, broke down. It might sound stupid but I was grieving. I felt so, so sad in that moment. Hopeless. Donna was one of my favourite characters of all times. She was coming back to me. In a casket. I was heartbroken. I cried in that bathroom and then cried at the cinema. Twice. Even before the movie had began, I was already crying. Even now, six years later, I can't watch this movie without crying. My friends all know that and they find it funny. And it is, in some way. Because it's not that deep, it's not that serious. It's only a silly little jukebox musical about a girl and her mom. But how I long for my life to be a silly little jukebox musical about a girl and her mom! 

If you want my opinion about Mamma Mia 2, I really enjoyed it. It's a great movie in my opinion. Not the best, by far, but I liked it. The songs are great, the characters still lovable and, despite everything, Donna is still there. It gave me what I wanted the most; to spend more time with her. So, for that, I'm thankful. However, I understand the people saying it's not great like the first movie. And it isn't. The vibes are so different! There are so many plot holes and things that don't make sense! And why the fuck did Donna die? She was only forty-ish! Maybe fifty! Still so young! And even if I'm happy that, seemingly, Meryl Streep is down to come back for Mamma Mia 3, I'm a bit appalled. It doesn't make any sense! I know it's only a silly little jukebox musical movie but it doesn't mean they can just ruin everything.