People

I firmly believe we're made of all the people we've encountered in our life. It means that all of our kindness, love and warmth come from a place deep in our heart that's intertwined with other's. But, on the other hand, it means that all the negative feelings also come from the people around us. That must be why I'm always so scared of turning into someone I dislike. I've been tainted by the love of many people I now hate. It's hard to give it up, though, because it has been love once. I saw someone say "I wear my father's hand-me-down anger" and it struck me. That's it. That's exactly how it feels. 

I had a friend with whom we parted on bad terms. I was a bitch to them, it's absolutely true, but they took so much from me and pushed me into my deepest entrenchments. I was too weak and too much of a coward for cutting down this rotting tree and, in the end, it hurt the both of us. I take full responsibility in what happened between us but the truth is also that this person was horrible. They made me feel like shit most of the time, forced me to lie to them because I didn't know what to do because I didn't want to hurt them. They manipulated and used me and then turned the story over its head and said I was the manipulative and egoistical one. They knew exactly what they were doing since I had confided in them multiple times that I was often afraid of being selfish and self-centered. My dad is abusive and an overall terrible person and I'm always terrified of acting like him despite myself. They used that and sent me the worst message I've ever read. It's awfully mean and terribly cruel. It's been two years now, since what happened between us. I still read this message often. Not every day or every week but once a month, I find myself reading it back. I try to take it like a waking call. To bring me back on earth. It helps keeping myself in check. It hurts, it makes me sad and, still, I can't help but always go back to this message. At the end of it, they even said that they didn't care what happen to me. 

It's been years, now, but I still think about it. More than I'd like to admit. I think I force myself to carry this weight because I still feel guilty about the way things went down. I mean, this person is terrible and toxic and she really hurt me. For years. She did bad things to me and then pretended like it never happened. But it's easier to blame myself. Always. Because I can't change how they acted. I can only change myself. And I don't want to be my father's daughter. I want to be my own person. I want to be a good person. 

Being good is harder than being mean. Because it requires more efforts on my part. Cruelty and wickedness are parts of me that I always had. When things don't go my way or when people annoy me, it's always easier to snap and snarl than take it upon myself to be good. I'm sure it's different for everyone. I envy people who's first response to anything is kindness. I wish to be kind. But for that I have to stop hurting. I have to stop hating myself. I have to let go of the people who hurt me, like my father of this friend. I have to let them in my past and start doing things my own way. I feel like I'm getting better at it but it still isn't easy. I'll always have these negative feelings weighing me down every day. And I believe I'll have to start living with them in order to understand them better. So one day I can get totally rid of them.