Another Thursday

I'm struggling so much with motivation, it's becoming harder and harder to do things. Like, really do the stuff I have to do and not only the stuff I want to do. The week went by and it's already Thursday and I have a deadline tomorrow. But I can't bring myself to do it. Even though all I have to do is change a few things in a .docx and sent it. And do that eight times. I'm literally on my laptop right now! The documents I have to send are OPEN!!! But whenever I try to concentrate on it and do it, my brain just freeze. 

I woke up around eleven today and it felt like a failure. I spent two hours reading webtoons in bed and, once I found the strength to get up, I decided to go on a walk. It was sunny and I put on a nice outfit but it doesn't matter. Because, even if it was a good thing to do and I'm proud of me for going out without even having to, I'm still using this as procrastination and avoidance. And it pisses me off!!! I'm so tired of being not capable of doing the things I have to do and solely because they're my responsibilities and I'm unable of existing in the right way! 

I'll do it tomorrow but, then, tomorrow I'll be stressed and anxious and I know I'll do it while crying because I'm a huge baby and I had an entire month to do it but all I do is cry and delay the pressing stuff. And it's something that'll come back next month. And the one after. And again, and again, and again. If it's not with this matter, it'll be another thing. I hate responsibilities, I hate having to do stuff. But since I'm an adult, I can't run away from them forever. I know people won't give me a pass because I was too sad or too tired. They won't care if I tell them I didn't do my share of work because I felt like the loneliest person in the entire world. 

It's Thursday, once again, and I don't remember the past week. What did I do on Monday? What happened to Tuesday? Where was I yesterday? I know I did some things but the days are blurry in my mind. I don't care about them. They don't matter. I went to my sister's place and babysat her kids. I had appointments and it was sunny. I wore nice clothes that I like and I went for a walk. But the only thing I really had to do, I didn't. Everything else was just avoidance. How am I supposed to be proud and happy with myself if I only practice avoidance and flight? 

I'll watch some movie tonight and I'll wake up early tomorrow. I'll do everything I have to do. And I'll tell myself that, next month, I'll do better. But I know it won't happen. It's really hard to love myself when I'm this unbearable. But I have to because I'm the only me I'll ever have... So I'll keep on trying.