Jodie

 Since yesterday, I keep thinking about the people that aren't in my life anymore. Especially my old best friends. The one I miss the most is Jodie, my best friend when I was like twelve. The weird thing about her is that I absolutely don't remember how she was and what we used to do together. I found old pictures on us but I can't replay the memories. What led us to smile like this, to laugh this way together? I miss her dearly but we stopped talking so long ago... For no particular reason, too. Only life, I guess. We were fourteen and we went on separate ways. I never reached out because I was always afraid of bothering her and she never sent me any text. 

At the time, I think I was toeing the line between "I want to be her" and "I want to be with her". I genuinely think, after looking back, I had some kind of crush on her or something. I just cared so much about her that it hurt sometimes. She was my best friend in the world, she was the prettiest girl, so cool and kind and fun! My crush had a crush on her. All the guys had a crush on her. She was one of the cool kids and, thanks to her, I wasn't bullied too much by other kids at school. I wasn't as half pretty as her nor as smart as her but she kept me close to her and it meant the world to me. We used to do almost everything together but I can't remember what everything was. 

I remember us seating all afternoon on a bench, not needing anything more to have fun. I remember us going to her house, playing video games, watching movies and laughing about boys. The choir camps where we sat together at every meals and slept in the same bunk beds. She curled my hair once and it made me feel so pretty I took a hundred of selfies. We went shopping once and I treasured the clothes we bought together because she told me she liked them. Her dog whose name was the same as a kid from my class. I miss her from times to times but, since yesterday, I miss her even more. I have so many regrets. I wish I'd never let her get away. I wish we could've stayed friends all those years instead of taking separate routes. 

I know she's doing alright these days because one of my friends, Claire, follows her on Instagram so I got some news a few years back. She seems to really enjoy life and it makes me so happy for her. 

I wish I could have more memories of us. More videos than pictures. More happiness than regrets. I know I could try and reach out but I'm terrified. What if she doesn't remember me? What if she doesn't really care about me anymore? It's been more than ten years, now. Maybe we're too different now to get along. She's always been more mature than me. I'm just a sad twenty something blogging on a sunday night because I have nothing else to do. 

I'll always think about her, I guess. At times when I'm sad and I have regrets about the things I did and the ones I didn't when I was a teenager. The people I lost because I was too anxious to be a good friend.

I'm just a little bit sad today and I keep thinking about her and I found some pictures of us and it made me ponders about my memories of her. There's so scarce... I don't want to lose the few I have. I hope time will be kind with me and won't make me forget her because I'd like to keep her close to me forever. In the only way I can. In my head.