island

 I don't know why I'm feeling so down these days, truly. I should be happy but I guess I always need more. More than a job, more than friends living hours away, more than the routine. Am I greedy for wanting more? Am I an asshole because I feel like my friends have more important matters than me? Because I just want everyone to love me all the time? I've been feeling really lonely lately, more than usual. It's strange because I've been even less alone than before. I mean, I'm really getting along with my coworkers, my sister is really nice to me and I text my friends often. But it's like I'm standing in the middle of something. I'm stranded on an island. I can see and hear and talk with the others but I just can't quite reach them. I want to make new friends but every step I take feels like I'm doing too much. I want to be a great friend but it seems I'm always slipping and making mistakes. I just want to be someone likeable. I just want to be always loved and cared and always, always reassured. But I can't ask that from others, I know it's selfish. So I stay on my island, by myself. 

My therapist told me to recognize and accept the feelings I'm feeling. Like envy, jealousy, anger, sadness and such. I thought I knew how to do it but can someone tell me why some of them feel so strange inside of me? I'm a jealous person, I already knew that but my jealousy doesn't make any sense. It comes and goes, only showing up when it feels like it. Same with this lingering feeling of embarrasment. I will do something at work, feel fine on the moment, feel alright about it and then, once the weekend comes around, I'll start feeling so so so so down and awkward and I'll just hope people at work won't start hating me by the next tuesday. It's ridiculous! 

I just wish I could feel like I'm enough. Not too much and not too little. I wanna be just right. For fuck's sake I'm twenty-five! Why can't I have my shit together? Why am I stuck feeling like a teenager as soon as I talk with my coworkers? I just want them to like me as much as I like them. I want them to see me as more than an eight-to-five person. I want to be able to talk to them outside of work without feeling like I'm bothering them. But I think it will never be possible because even with my oldest friends I don't feel good enough to text them out of the blue every day. Once in a while is okay but I wish I could just tell everything I do to my friends. Just, like, chat about our days and explain what I've been up to at work and hear from them back. But when I text them, I often feel bad. Like I'm using their time. And I know it's not the case, I know I can always text them and it'll make them happy but I just can't. I swear I'll work on it with my therapist but we're not quite here yet. 

Anyway, I'd like to be able to write and draw and make friends without feeling so afraid of doing something wrong. I'm so terrified of being not-liked, I can't move from my island. It's ridiculous.