june

Well, it's already the end of the month. June has passed me by and we're almost halfway through the summer. I got plenty of things to look forward to in July but I can't help feeling sad about the time I wasted. The time I won't get back. 

I have to holidays planned but a little week in Munich to see Taylor Swift. It will be really, really fun I have no doubts about it but I'm a bit sad it's my only vacation. I dream of the sea. Of leaving the country and the cities for open skies and endless fields. I want to feel like I'm all alone in the world outside instead of feeling all alone locked up in my room. I want to leave my brain and worries behind and just spend time with my friends. I'm not asking too much. 

But I can't because I have no money and I have obligations to stay here. I can't dream about anything without feeling so fucking melancholic. All I do is yearn and long for things I can't have and think of times where I did have them. I think back on all the holidays I spend with my friends and how nice and fun they were. I want to experience that again. Spending more than four days aboard, feeling the pressure of doing something everyday or else it'll feel like we're wasting time and money. I want to relax by the beach. Go everywhere by bike and just enjoy my youth. 

I'm almost twenty five. In less than two months I'll be twenty five. I shouldn't feel so sad about it but there's something in me weighing my heart everytime I think about it. Because when I was a kid I used to think you're an adult at twenty five. You're halfway through life. You're supposed to have your shit together and to be an adult. I'm not feeling like an adult. In any way, shape or form. I'm so far from being like all these people I see in movies or on tv. It hurts me when there's a plot in a story where some character feels like a failure because they haven't experimented love at sixteen. I'm almost twenty five and no one even held my hand. Let alone kissed me. I still live with my mom. I have no job. I spend most of my days in my room. I see my friends maybe like once every month and it's only because they come to stay at my place. I have no money. No money and nothing to do because of the lack of money. I'm almost twenty five, June is almost over and I don't see my life ever getting better. 

I don't want this summer to ever end. I don't want to keep on doing this. I already regret everything before it even happened. I can't find joy in the future because I know every little happy moments that are planned are bound to end. And, at the end of the summer, I'll be twenty five and still sad and alone. I might sound like a broken record if you read all my posts but I can't help but feel this way. I have no purpose in life. I'm far from everyone I love. From everything I'd like to do. I'm like Rapunzel locked away in her tower but, in my case, the tower is my mind. And capitalism. 

I could go outside at this very moment. I could take a walk and touch some grass but I just can't make myself go through the door. I can't. I'm trapped in my own mind. I know I'm the only one who can get me out but I don't think I'm strong enough. I lost the keys long ago. I'll die in here. Sad and alone. I'll be twenty five and I'll feel like a failure. I'll be twenty six and my life won't be different. I'll be twenty seven and everything will always be the same. And it will go on until something kills. Until something ends this misery. I have no more hopes because I used to hope so much when I was younger. Every year, I thought things would get better. I always thought it would be the year where I get my first kiss but it never happened. I had so many hopes. Not all about my love life. I wanted so many things for myself but I'm still here, never moved. I'll be twenty five in less than two months but I'm at the exact same place I was ten years ago. 

I'm so sorry to all the past versions of myself. I should've tried harder. Should've done better. No one's as disappointed in me as myself, that's for sure. 

Anyway. It's late and I'm going to bed.