update on my mom

Alright folks buckle up because this is a wild ride. 

If you remember, yesterday I wrote an article talking about my mom acting like a bitch. I thought it would be the end of it, truly. I'm letting my feelings out and time will pass and we'll forget all about it. But in a surprising turn of events, as I was eating, I heard my mom on the phone. That's not the strange thing since the wall are thin and she always talk loudly when she's calling. But she was talking to my sister. 

I'll have you know, my sister and me we have a quite complicated relationship. She acted for the longest time as if she was my second mom and still scolds me like I'm a little cry baby whenever I piss her off. And every single time I have an argument with my mom, I'm sure she'll hear about it and then start telling me how horrible I am because I can never do anything right and I should leave the house because it's not my house and I should leave mom alone because she deserves better than taking care of a big baby like me. And stuff like that. 

So, yesterday, I was curious and sat against my door to hear them better. I regret it. My sister said very hurtful things and my mom didn't really stop her. They were talking about me, obviously. My mom was mad at me and, as usual, my sister was mad too. She said I was egotistical and an overall horrible person. She said it like that, yes. Horrible person. My own sister. She went on and on about how I didn't deserve to celebrate my 25th birthday (coming at the end of the month) because it wasn't my home but my mom's and I deserved to be grounded until I decided to make more efforts. It really hurt me to hear that coming from my own sister. Listening her say how she despises me. And my mom nodding, too. I sat there, on the floor, against my door until the call was ended. Then I sent a text in our group chat, telling them I heard everything. My mom only answered "I talked loudly on purpose so you'd hear". What a cruel thing to say. By text, my sister even went as far as telling me "empathy isn't natural for you". I can't believe her! 

My sister told me to come out and talk with my mom. But how was I supposed to go out there and face the person who was saying only a few minutes prior how hard it was to live with me? I stayed in my room. The anxiety was killing me and I cried a lot and a lot and it helped talking a bit about it with my friends, Lola and Camille, but I still felt so sad and so, so hurt! Thankfully, I had a therapist appointment today. All I had to do was to sleep and it'd come sooner. My night was absolute shit. Around three, Henriette, my cat, started howling outside my door, waking me up from yet another nightmare. I made her come inside and she immediately laid on top of me. I think she felt how anxious I was. I love her so fucking much... 

Anyway, this morning I woke up with a new mindset. My plan was to go to my therapist appointment and then spend the day by the lake, reading books. Far from my family and their disdain. Unfortunately, I woke up late and only realized I was late at the time where my train was leaving. I was still at home. I learned later that it wouldn't have made any difference if I'd woken up earlier because all the trains have been cancelled today because of some accident. So I called my therapist and we spoke on the phone but it wasn't perfect. I wanted to talk to her about my current situation but couldn't do it and left this call with my heart even heavier than it was before. I was so sad and so tired. I laid on the floor of my room and tried breathing to make the anxiety leave my body. I've been having anxiety rushes and attacks since I was twelve-ish. But I never said anything to anyone so my only way to get rid of them was to breath and wait. That's how my mom found me. Laying on the floor, breathing and not capable of moving up because I was trembling so much. 

I think that's when something clicked in her. She gave me an anxiety medication and asked my what I was doing and I couldn't say anything without crying. So I told her everything I ever felt. Everything I never said because I was afraid and because I'm not used of talking about anything with her. I cried and talked like that for two hours. It was a lot. But I think she finally gets it. She finally understand that I'm severely depressed and I always try so hard to do anything but never succeed. I feel seen for once. I just hope it'll be better from there. We'll be able to fix whatever was broken between us. 

As for my sister... I don't know. She really broke my heart and I don't feel like I can trust her anymore. She was absolutely awful yesterday but, when I saw her today, acted as if nothing had never happened. I don't understand her. I'm so hurt and mad right now! She better behave because it's my last straw. She pulls something like that once again and I'll simply stop talking to her. For ever. 

mom

My mom is acting like a bitch. 

She refuses to acknowledge that I'm depressed and I'm starting to get really tired of how she acts with me. I've been depressed since 2018 ish but never told her because we don't talk in my family. Well, my sister and mom talk together but I don't. I never did and I don't know how to start now. So I never said anything and just dealt with it on my own. I wasn't doing a great job, though, and so earlier this year I was a bit forced by my sister to come out and tell them I was depressed. I thought things were going to change. Now, my mom would understand that I'm not just lazy and unpleasant on purpose. I'm genuinely trying but I'm not the best at dealing with feelings and stuff. My mom knows a lot about depression since she's been depressed before. I really thought she would see my pain and acknowledge it and be kinder towards me. 

But, no. It's still the same thing with her. She's all nice and kind and fun but, as soon as I don't do exactly the thing she wants me to do at the moment she demands it then I'm literally the worst person ever. She doesn't say it, no. But she makes me feel it. She's very good at making me the villain, acting like a victim every time I don't do what she wants me to do. And I know I've never been a really good kid. I was terrible when I was younger, always crying and being upset about stupid shit. But I shouldn't have been a good kid to feel like I deserve to be loved. The worst part is, I know she loves me. And I love her. But I don't think she likes me. And she always annoys me and I get really mad at her all the time for no reason. So, sometimes, she acts like a bitch and I'm a bitch too and we're upset at each other. Then some time pass, a few hours go by, me in my room and her in the living room and then I go out and everything is forgotten. 

Yet, she's still acting like a bitch. 

Yesterday, we had guests over to play games. They're my mom's friend and her daughter, who's a bit younger than me. We started a little boardgames tradition where we meet and play game when we all have free time so it's a nice thing. I'm not the biggest fan of them but I've known them literally all my life so I don't mind spending time with them. But this week has been kind of hard for me with the travel, the new meds, the show and stuff. My anxiety has been through the roof and the past two days I couldn't literally get out of my bed. Suffice to say this week sucked. I had forgotten that the guests were coming over and my mind was literally off. I couldn't focus on ANYTHING. My mom asked me to throw the garbage out, I said I'd do it later and she said "alright we'll go in thirty minutes" and I was like, okay, that's good. I found it weird that she said "we" but didn't think much of it. There were two garbage bag so I thought we'd go together and she'd come fetch me so we'd go together. She left and I forgot about it because my brain is literally dead. 

She didn't come back, though, and like five minutes before the guests arrived she barged into my room asking why I didn't throw the trashes out. I said I was waiting for her to come pick me up and she said I could have gone by myself. It's true. I'm nearly 25, it's old enough to throw the garbage by myself and remember to do it on my own but I wasn't thinking about that and genuinely thought we'd go together. I said so and she started scolding me because she'd allegedly NEVER said we'd go together and blah-blah-blah. This put me in a bad mood. And I was really low. All I wanted was to get back in bed and cry, honestly. But when the guests arrived I put on a smile and went into the living room to sit with them. I didn't throw the garbage out because I didn't really see a point in doing it now, a few minutes before they came in. It could wait the next day. 

I sat and chat with them, sitting on a chair and looking at my phone. I got myself a hand spinner last week to stop chewing at my nails, taking off my nail polish and also to help me concentrate on movies and tv shows. And it honestly helps! So picture me on a chair, in my day pajamas, looking at my phone and spinning my little handspinner in my hand, minding my business. I wasn't ignoring them, I wasn't being actively rude or impolite. I answered when they talked to me and literally talked back. Like a normal person. But I wasn't feeling good and so I needed to get my brain going with stuff. As I usually do. And I don't know why but suddenly my mom called me out. She said I was being rude and annoying and I could drop my phone or just go in my room if I wasn't interested in staying there. But I was! I said I wanted to stay because I was happy the guests were there and that we'd play games later. I was sincerely thrilled because I love board games. But my mom started berating me and humiliating me. I was pissed so I went into my room. I didn't want to be perceive. I didn't want to exist anymore. 

So I went in my room, layed on top of my bed and stayed there all afternoon. 

I only went out once to pee but I stayed there. Didn't eat. Didn't shower. Didn't said good night to anyone. Because I felt like I couldn't come out. I felt sad and stupid. My mom came into my room only once and it was to scold me more. It made me so mad and literally so sad! I don't understand why she acts like that. Like she doesn't know how it feels to be so depressed you can't get out of bed. She still believes I'm lazy and not doing any efforts when I'm literally trying so hard to not just lay in bed until I die. I get up every fucking day and it takes me so much energy just to stay awake. I'm exhausted just because I'm existing and she comes in my room and tell me I'm annoying and rude and lazy. She's my mom! Why doesn't she see the pain in my eyes? Why doesn't she understand the weight in my heart? If she doesn't get me, then who will? I came from here but it's like we don't know each other. 

This morning, I woke up at eight. My cat came into my room and we cuddled a bit then I got up. I peed, brushed my teeth and then took the garbage out. One of the bags was really heavy and one of my neighbours offered to help me. It felt really awkward especially since I don't really know any of my neighbours but she was nice and she had a really pretty dog. So, I took the garbage out. Then I ate toasts and drink orange juice and went back into my room. You might know that my mom and me don't have the same sleep schedule, at all. She got up around 5pm. Usually, before she's awake, I leave my door open so the cats can come and go as they want. It's either that or Gaspard-Moutarde will open it by force. So, usually, she comes in when she wakes up and say hello and we chat a bit before she takes the criminal (Gaspard) and closes my door behind them. 

But she didn't do that, today. She went by without a second look. She went to the living room and I closed my door myself. I stayed a bit in my room and then I had to pee so I got out and, on the way, said "Hello" to her, thinking she'd answer back and everything would be forgotten. 

That's where she decided to act like a bitch. Because I said hello and she looked at me before looking back at her phone. Without saying anything. As if she's twelve. As if I'm the one being mean. 

Once again, I don't understand why she acts like that. Why she refuses to understand I'm sick and tired. When I told her my therapist gave me medication, she literally asked if this was necessary. Like they would give it out for free, like that. She refuses to acknowledge that I'm depressed and I can't go on like that. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to her because I simply don't know how to do that. I'm not a talker. Despite having my own blog where I talk and talk and talk about my life and my problems. That's why I have a blog in the first place. Because I can't talk about them out loud. 

When I told her I was depressed, I really thought something would change. I thought she'd start seeing me and loving me in the way I need to be loved. Gently, kindly. With care. But she always pushes me more and more and further. She doesn't seem to understand that I'm literally breaking down. I can't go further anymore or I'll disappear into the void. But she keeps on pushing and being rough and being harsh and when I try to tell her I need more time, I need help, she acts like I'm being ridiculous. My sister and her, they always act like I'm being a cry baby and needy when I tell them I need help for this or that. When I tell them no about something, they make me feel like the worst person in the world. And maybe, sometimes I am. Sometimes I act needy and like a big baby. But I know most of the times it's not the case. I'm not like them and I wish they could understand it. Instead of always pushing me. 

I'm so tired of my mom always acting like a victim. Always making me doubt myself and making me feel like I'm acting like my dad. I'm so scared of being like him. I'm always feeling guilty towards my mom but I'm not sure it's the truth. I'm so tired of not knowing if what I feel is real or something my stupid brain is making me feel. I just wish I could know my mom loves me and never doubt it. 

I think I'll stay in my room once again tonight and don't eat and act as if I'm not around. I don't want to face her. I don't want to see her act like I'm disappointing and exhausting. I'm sad enough as it is. 

meds

Helloooooooo! It's been a while, I'm sorry. My friends Camille and Marie (I'll start calling my friends by their names because I guess if you're reading this blog then you know who I'm talking about lol) were staying at my place and then I went to Munich with Christine! It's been three-ish really busy weeks and I'm absolutely exhausted. 

I started taking antidepressants and I guess it doesn't help with the feeling of exhaustion. I say my therapist at nine am last thursday and it was an awful day because I went to the bathroom before my appointment and realized I was having my period for the second time of the month!! And I had nothing on me! Then my therapist suggested I'd come back to see a psychiatrist and I was like, alright I can do that, but my phone battery was almost down, it was really hot, I was on my period and I was far from home because I live one hour and a half away from my therapist so, yeah, it was a bad day. But I saw a psychiatrist and he gave me a prescription for meds and I started taking them on friday. 

The thing is I also travelled to Munich on friday morning. And, on my third day taking the meds, I went to the Eras Tour. We waited for five hours outside and then the show lasted almost four hours too. It's roughly ten hours spent outside with the heat, my periods and the new medication. But I'm really proud of myself because I got through it like a champion. I didn't felt light-headed or on the brink of passing out as it happened by the past when I was in a crowd. I felt good even if my feet killed me for two days afterwards. 

And it was worth it. I saw Paramore live. And I cried like a baby. 

I discovered Paramore ten years ago. I immediately fell in love with Hayley Williams' voice and their music. Ever since it's been one of my favourite band of all times. There's something so touching and personal in their music! I think After Laughter is my favourite album. Not one of them. It's my favourite. I grew up listening to their music, never thinking I could see them live one day. When I heard that they were opening for the Eras Tour in Europe, I couldn't believe it. I was almost more hyped by that than the main show. It was surreal to me. But I did. I saw them live. I heard Hayley Williams' voice for real and it was perfect. Ever since they appeared on stage I had tears in my eyes but I started bawling when she talked about the way her and Taylor and Zac had been growing up together. They started this band twenty years ago and had been playing music together before. And, at that moment, it felt like I grew up with them, too. And in a sense, I did. Their music is so important to me, I'm so glad I was able to hear them live at least once in my life! And watching Hayley sing The Only Exception to Taylor was so, so special... I couldn't stop crying at that point. I love this song so fucking much! 

Taylor Swift was also phenomenal. At one point, I really stood there in the crowd and thought "Ah yes, that's what a Pop Star really is" because of the energy of the whole stadium. Thousand of people singing every lyrics in sync, all together. It was almost magical. I've finally been able to hear one of my favourite song, August, live too and that was so, so great! I really enjoyed that! 

But I think spending all this time with people and going to appointments and doing stuff and the show on top it killed me a bit. My brain feels like it can't really function correctly anymore and I'm so tired of everything. I don't want to do ANYTHING!!! Hopefully I won't have any other appointment than my therapist next week before I go on VACATIONS!!! AT THE BEACH!!! It's literally the only thing I look forward to since Camille suggested we could find a way for me to go with them in august. My mom offered to pay for my tickets as an early birthday gift and so I'll go two weeks at the beach. My own little sanatorium if you will. It's either that or checking myself in a psych ward. 

I'll take the next week to rest and charge up my batteries before the holidays. I hope the meds won't make me too tired because I really want to enjoy my two weeks away from everything... But anyway, I did almost everything I had to do this week so I'm okay for now. I just have to write an email and, also, write my story so I can post on saturday and have a few chapters ready in advance! :)