meds

Helloooooooo! It's been a while, I'm sorry. My friends Camille and Marie (I'll start calling my friends by their names because I guess if you're reading this blog then you know who I'm talking about lol) were staying at my place and then I went to Munich with Christine! It's been three-ish really busy weeks and I'm absolutely exhausted. 

I started taking antidepressants and I guess it doesn't help with the feeling of exhaustion. I say my therapist at nine am last thursday and it was an awful day because I went to the bathroom before my appointment and realized I was having my period for the second time of the month!! And I had nothing on me! Then my therapist suggested I'd come back to see a psychiatrist and I was like, alright I can do that, but my phone battery was almost down, it was really hot, I was on my period and I was far from home because I live one hour and a half away from my therapist so, yeah, it was a bad day. But I saw a psychiatrist and he gave me a prescription for meds and I started taking them on friday. 

The thing is I also travelled to Munich on friday morning. And, on my third day taking the meds, I went to the Eras Tour. We waited for five hours outside and then the show lasted almost four hours too. It's roughly ten hours spent outside with the heat, my periods and the new medication. But I'm really proud of myself because I got through it like a champion. I didn't felt light-headed or on the brink of passing out as it happened by the past when I was in a crowd. I felt good even if my feet killed me for two days afterwards. 

And it was worth it. I saw Paramore live. And I cried like a baby. 

I discovered Paramore ten years ago. I immediately fell in love with Hayley Williams' voice and their music. Ever since it's been one of my favourite band of all times. There's something so touching and personal in their music! I think After Laughter is my favourite album. Not one of them. It's my favourite. I grew up listening to their music, never thinking I could see them live one day. When I heard that they were opening for the Eras Tour in Europe, I couldn't believe it. I was almost more hyped by that than the main show. It was surreal to me. But I did. I saw them live. I heard Hayley Williams' voice for real and it was perfect. Ever since they appeared on stage I had tears in my eyes but I started bawling when she talked about the way her and Taylor and Zac had been growing up together. They started this band twenty years ago and had been playing music together before. And, at that moment, it felt like I grew up with them, too. And in a sense, I did. Their music is so important to me, I'm so glad I was able to hear them live at least once in my life! And watching Hayley sing The Only Exception to Taylor was so, so special... I couldn't stop crying at that point. I love this song so fucking much! 

Taylor Swift was also phenomenal. At one point, I really stood there in the crowd and thought "Ah yes, that's what a Pop Star really is" because of the energy of the whole stadium. Thousand of people singing every lyrics in sync, all together. It was almost magical. I've finally been able to hear one of my favourite song, August, live too and that was so, so great! I really enjoyed that! 

But I think spending all this time with people and going to appointments and doing stuff and the show on top it killed me a bit. My brain feels like it can't really function correctly anymore and I'm so tired of everything. I don't want to do ANYTHING!!! Hopefully I won't have any other appointment than my therapist next week before I go on VACATIONS!!! AT THE BEACH!!! It's literally the only thing I look forward to since Camille suggested we could find a way for me to go with them in august. My mom offered to pay for my tickets as an early birthday gift and so I'll go two weeks at the beach. My own little sanatorium if you will. It's either that or checking myself in a psych ward. 

I'll take the next week to rest and charge up my batteries before the holidays. I hope the meds won't make me too tired because I really want to enjoy my two weeks away from everything... But anyway, I did almost everything I had to do this week so I'm okay for now. I just have to write an email and, also, write my story so I can post on saturday and have a few chapters ready in advance! :)

a breather

Wow, I actually haven't written anything here in a week! I got so caught up in my own head and appointments and stuff to do, I forgot to take a moment to breathe. 

It was a really busy week and I had to do a lot of stuff I really didn't want to do but the good thing is, I went to my first therapy appointment with my new therapist!!! And it went well! She's a really nice woman and I immediately felt comfortable with her. I have a great feeling about her. Her office is right next to a lake so I can see the water and there was a dog bed so I really hope I'll get to see her dog one day! 

The office is a bit far from my home, roughly one and a half hour by train and bus, but it's okay. Once I get the hang of the bus service I'll be unstoppable. In the meantime, I'll try my best to get there on time and catch the right train when I come home. I'll see her again in two weeks, right before I go in holidays. She wants to see me every week but she couldn't fit me in her schedule weekly yet so I'll have to wait. I think she saw I really needed her and I appreciate her for that. 

Tomorrow, two of my friends are coming to stay at my place! It'll be great to be with people I actually like because I spend the week with people I literally couldn't stand. It was the most exhausting thing. I can't bear spending time with people I don't like anymore. I'm literally at my wit's end. These days with my friends will heal my soul, I think. And then, as I said, I'm going to Munich with my best friend to see Taylor Swift!!! I can't wait! I cleaned my room today and it was not an easy thing. There's still stuff to tidy up but it'll do for now. At least my friends won't come in a pigsty and there's space for them to put their things and stuff so it's a win. 

I'm still feeling really down but I can see things getting a bit better in the near future. That's comforting enough for now. I felt really creative this week and I wrote and I also drew a lot! I made this piece that I'm really, really proud of. It might be one of my best drawing ever. I think it turned out great even if I can see a few mistakes here and there. But all the details are really making this my best artwork to date! 

Well, for now I'm going to eat because I'm starving and then I'll probably go to sleep because I'm exhausted.

noise

 I woke up at 7.30 this morning. No alarm clock, no bell, nothing. It was me and the emptiness of my bedroom. The sun was lazily getting up and, really quickly, it got covered by clouds. 

I spent the day fighting back tears. I don't even know why I want to cry this badly. I just do. My heart is heavy and I can't breathe because every single breath I take makes the tears swell up against my eyelids. I have a migraine, too, constantly beating on my temples.I did nothing special to feel this way. It's just how I've been since I woke up this morning. At 7.30 sharp. 

I finished a drawing I'm kinda proud. I watched a tv show. Read a few webtoons episodes. Laid still on the floor. Laid still on my couch. Kept my eyes open. 

I stayed in silence for most of the day. I don't usually do that. I always put something in the background, to fill the emptiness. But the noise felt too loud today. Too much. 

I have my first therapy appointment on Monday. I can do it to Monday. I can survive the heavy heart and the closed throat. I can survive the tears and the silence. I have to. 

I wish I could make all the noise disappear. I wish I could disappear. But I can't, so I'll survive this. 

On other news, here's the drawing I did of my OC, Ersheen. I really like how it turned out after spending almost ten hours on it... The drumset is terrible but I don't want to talk about it. What I want to talk about are the little details! The smudged makeup, the sponge bracelet (idk how it's called), the sweat. The flames on their tie, the strawberries tattoo, the hot pink drums, the dark blue nail polish. They're wearing a big skirt and a funky shirt and I love them. That's my baby, Ersheen. I had never really made a full piece of them, only small portraits here and there so I'm happy I finally did it. I love them.