Outside

Why must I always feel out of place? Like, as soon as I step outside of my bedroom, it feels like I'm existing out of the world. I act like I'm alright, like I'm real but it never feels right. It's as if I'm only pretending to be human. And, at the same time, whenever I feel like that, I also can't help but think that I'm exaggerating. That it's not that bad. It's all in my head. And it is. But it doesn't mean that, because it's in my head, it's not in my heart too. 

I don't know what to do anymore. It's like I spend a year and a half in my room and now I'm a lost cause. I'll never be able to socialise and act normal and not be constantly tired and sad at the same time. I want to be normal. I want to not feel afraid of ever existing in the same room as someone else. I want to be able to talk to people without feeling like the most boring and embarrassing person ever. It's such a pain to be myself. I can't bear it anymore. But it's not like I can change who I am. I can try and give myself all the pep talks in the world, it won't ever change who I am. I can think about what other people would do in my place and try to think differently but I fear it's too late for me. 

I know it's not, though. I know I still have plenty of time and plenty of room to grow. But we exist in such a time that, I feel like I'm just a burden for everyone around me. If I don't have any money, I can't live. To have money, I have to work. But I don't feel like I can work. Because I don't feel like I can exist in this world. And if I don't have money, I can't spend time with my friends or buy myself little gifts to push through the month. It's so unfair. Everyone says that working shouldn't be the goal but one of the steps toward my life goal. But I don't have any. I don't want to work and I don't want to leave my room. I don't want to be perceive and I don't want strangers to think about me. I'd like to be close to my friends forever. Be able to see them often and hang out and feel happy. I'd like to do the things I like and stay in bed when I my heart is heavy, without being afraid of my responsibilities toward anyone. But I know it's not how the world is supposed to work. I have to be an active part of society. I have to go out and act as if I'm someone who's alright with working a nine to five everyday. 

I'd love to be able to work in an office. To laugh with my coworkers in the breakroom and see my friends on the weekends. I'd love to feel like an adult for once and not just a weird, big, baby who's been thrown in the deep end of the pool without any warning. And I know it's not fair of me to feel this way because I'm (almost) twenty five and I got many, many, many warnings and notices and I'm still stalling in the kiddie pool. 

Why is life so terrifying? How can anyone bare it? How are most people alright with it? I feel so stupid whenever I struggle for stupid shit like phone calls. Everytime my phone rings, it makes me want to cry and I'm not exaggerating. I'm just this pitiful. It's so exhausting to feel like that all the time. I'm just so tired. And the worse thing is, I don't see any answer to this problem. The only thing I can do is push through and hope that tomorrow I'll feel better. If not tomorrow then the next day and the one after and after and after until the day I die. I'm not sure it's how you're supposed to live your life. It's not supposed to be so hard and unbearable. Is it?

Tomorrow, I'll go back to my internship and I'll act like I'm normal. And I'll do that the next day and the one after that. Until the end of the month. And in the meantime, I'll enjoy spending time with my friend who's coming for two weeks. She's staying with me and we'll make the most of it. And I'll try to be happy.