a really, really bad day

Everything's going wrong today. 

It started this morning when I felt too depressed to get out of bed. I was literally so sad and tired all I wanted was to stay in bed. But since it was my last day at the internship, I couldn't skip. So I got up, got ready and went out. Once I arrived at the museum, I went to the bathroom and that was when I realized this day would be really long and really bad; I had my period. I'll spare you the details but I felt really bad for two hours until I went out and bought pads and a new underwear. 

Anyway, there was a little breaktime-leaving-party and my manager said a few things about me and it made me really happy. He said I was a really great worker and he was surprised about how much I did in less than a month because he wasn't expecting so much. He told me I could put this in my resume and he'd vouch for me in case people wanted a referral. Maybe I'll come back in August and he told me it would be great. I was really proud of myself in that moment. But I was also feeling really low since my underwear was full of blood and I just wanted to die. I said many thanks. 

I still worked hard even though it was my last day and moved a lot of books from one shelf to another. While having my first day of period. While it was absurdly hot outside AND inside. While feeling lower than dirt. It was horrible. But I survived. I got home and my mom reminded me that we had to go to some neighbourhood gathering. 

I already had my fair share of awkward social interactions but I had to go since my mom said so. And it felt disrespectful to bail on them. Especially since I never went to any other event since we moved in, more than a year ago. These people didn't even know my name! So I went and I ate a pizza and I talked with my neighbours and they were nice but I'm still on my period and I still feel terribly depressed and it's so fucking late. 

I had plans tomorrow. I'm supposed to go to some con with my friend but I just feel so bad right now, I told her I'll probably cancel. It makes me sad because it's been a while since I last saw and did anything with her but I just can't imagine myself going outside tomorrow. Seeing people. Acting like a normal human being. If the gathering had lasted less than maybe I could have gone. I wanted things to go according to plan. No period, a brief encounter with the neighbours, enough time to watch an episode of IWTV and then in bed at nine pm at the latest. But it's almost eleven and I'm still not in bed. I'm tired and sad and I want to cry so fucking bad but it's been months since I last cried because I just can't. It's so frustrating! All these feelings are bubbling under my skin but I have no way to get them out. I'm tired. I'm so tired. 

It's so unfair that I have to bail on my plans with my friends only because I wanted to please everyone else. I didn't went to my internship today because I wanted but because I had to. It was in my contract. I went to the gathering because my mom said I had to. I did everything that was asked from me and I can't even spend time with my friends because doing everything else has exhausted me. I'm so sad and angry and it's probably my period's fault, too. I'm going to go to bed and I'll fall asleep angry and I'll probably wake up sad tomorrow and I'll stay in bed longer than intended and I'll do nothing and it'll feel like I wasted my day. I'll be sad that I could've gone with my friend but I stayed at home. I know that. I know I'll regret it but I think if I go, everything will be even worse. I'll be exhausted and sad and angry  and I'll feel miserable once I come home. 

I don't want to feel miserable. I'm sad enough as it is. So I'll cancel my plans and stay in my room. 

I'm so angry.