apathy

I have an app where every day I can track my mood and more. I've been doing this for five years. 1845 days, to be exact. I have five years documented in my phone with my feelings, the people I met, the activities I did, the weather and so on. I love keeping track of these things because I tend to easily forget when I did what or if I did something. When I feel like it, I write a little something or put a picture. 

I have seven kinds of emotions in the "feelings" category. They're not the scientific kind of feelings but more how I perceive them. There's joy, sadness, anger, the three most logical. Then comes worry and anxious, which may seem the same but they never feel the same to me. We got "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH" for when I have a crush and, lastly, apathy. 

Apathy is the most recent one I put in my app but it's been a while since I first started feeling like this. I just didn't put a name on it. I never really thought about it. I confused it with feeling sad or tired. But it's something worse than that. It's the feeling I have when I'm in bed and I don't feel like getting up. The feeling I have when I'm sitting on my armchair in my room and I don't want to do anything. The feeling I have when I spend hours doing nothing and then regretting wasting so much of my time. The feeling I have when even doing the things I'm supposed to enjoy don't bring me any pleasure. 

It's the feeling I've got the most these days. I'm just sitting there, waiting for it to pass but it never goes away. I'm sad and tired and full of unpleasant feelings but they never come on top because the apathy pushes them back. I feel empty. It's been months since I last really cried. Like, real tears. I wish I could just cry and let it all out but I physically can't. Because of the apathy.

I don't want to do anything but I want to do everything. I want to watch a tv show but when it comes the time to watch it, I simply don't. Same goes to movies or even youtube videos. I want to write but I don't. I want to play games and I can't. The only thing I can do is watch tiktoks because it doesn't require anything from me but swapping up and down. I don't need to feel anything when I watch tiktoks. I just watch them. And share them with my friends when they're funny or sad. But I laugh for two seconds and this feeling is fleeting. It doesn't last in my heart. Nothing lasts in my heart but the apathy. 

Sometimes I find the will to do stuff. I write and I'm glad that I can write. I watch my shows and youtube videos and I'm glad I do. I try to read a little bit every night before bed and I'm glad I can. But even then, as soon as I stop pushing myself further and further away from my thoughts, I realize I'm not feeling anything. The joy I get when the characters in my book are being cute or the sadness I'm full of when my tv show is tragic and sad aren't mine. Not really. They're here for a moment but as soon as I try to focus on them, they're gone.

It's the same thing with my friends. If I don't think about it, I'm happy to be around them. I feel happy. I'm grateful for them because they're the best. But as soon as they're gone, once I'm back all alone in my room, the apathy comes back. The exhaustion washes over me. I'm tired of pretending when I don't even know it's what I'm doing. It's just my coping mechanism. I don't allow myself to be sad or tired around them. Because I don't see any of them often enough to spoil these moments with them. I don't want them to see me sad or tired even if I am. So I act hyper. I'm excited and loud and exuberant. But it's not really how I feel and so, when I look back on these moments and how I acted, I find myself so fucking annoying and I hate myself. 

I'm lost in this vicious circle. I can't seem to find a way out because I've always been like this ever since I was young. I never wanted others to wonder what's wrong with me so I put on a front. It's automatic, now. I've pavlov-ed myself into acting like a fool when I'm with my friends. I don't like this person. I hate her. But I can't change. I don't know how to change. 

It's so hard to find answers about all these things without feeling like human garbage. How am I supposed to be happy when I don't recall how real happiness feels like? How am I supposed to cry if my sadness feels performative and for show? My words aren't mine. My thoughts aren't mine. Who am I? 

Thankfully, I'm starting therapy in two weeks. I know it won't fix everything because I have to work on myself for that but, at least, I'll have someone to talk to. Someone I won't feel bad for imposing my sadness on them. I hope my new therapist is kind and nice, just as my last one. Please, I really need that.