Internship 5

Tomorrow's my last day. Finally. 

I got my internship assessment today with my manager, the director and my "unemployment counselor" (I don't know how to call him but he's the one who got me the internship in the first place). It was a bit awkward but it went well. They said that I worked hard and really good, event better than they thought I would. My manager said if I had stayed longer, he would have given me more responsibilities because he felt like he could really count on me. I hate having responsibilities but I love getting praised. Especially after feeling like I wasn't doing anything good enough. It felt really good to hear what they thought about me. 

They said I could maybe come back and work in another part of the museum in August. That'd be great, I think. I'd work a smaller percentage and I'd be with other people and I'd see new things. I'm sincerely psyched about it. But I need at least one or two weeks of rest. I need to put down my mind and breathe and stay in my room with myself and this blog for more than a weekend. I need it. 

I'm so exhausted. I couldn't tell them that, today. I didn't dare. I don't think they would have taken it badly but how am I supposed to tell these people I barely know that I'm severely depressed and seeing people every day makes me want to kill myself? Getting up at six am and staying on the same uncomfortable chair, always feeling drained on the afternoons and drinking tea when I don't even really like it just to stay awake. Avoiding eye contacts with others, eating alone, not taking breaks because I'm afraid of running into people in the breakroom and having to do small talk or else I'll feel rude and awkward. I'm not sure how to act like I'm human. But I can't tell them that because they'll think I'm weird or, at the very least, perceive me in a way I don't want to be perceive. 

I want everyone to know that I'm always sad and tired and I can't talk and can't think but I don't want anyone to think I'm a burden. Someone they need to take care of. I want to be cared for. I don't want people to feel pressured to think more of me in certain ways only because of my mental health. So I say nothing. 

But, at last, tomorrow is my last day. I'm glad. It was a good experience but, as I said many times, it exhausted me. I'll take a few days to recover and do the things I want to do. I'll write a lot, watch tv shows (IWTV, HOTD, The Bear!!!) and read. I won't take a shower every two days but maybe twice a week because I won't need my hair to be always pretty and perfect. I'll cuddle with my cats and I'll eat real breakfast and not only something on the way. I'll wear comfortable clothes without feeling like my body is horrendous and nothing fits and I hate myself everytime I see my reflection. I'll wake up at seven or even eight if I feel like it. I'll watch movies at night. I'll live for myself instead of living just for the sake of it. Just because I have to get up the next day. Because I have to be prim and proper and look good and feel good and be good just for others. I'll stay in my room with my cats and my sadness and I'll be glad for it. 

But today I still have to go to bed before nine pm so I'll get going. I still have to braid my hair and wash my teeth and get in bed to read a bit before eventually falling asleep with my e-reader in hands because I always fall asleep when I try to read at night.