Summer

Summer used to be the best time of the year when I was younger. It meant no more school for two whole months, freedom and holidays. It meant sun and beach and adventure. I loved summer because I hated school. I could spend all my time reading and playing without a single care in the world. I'd spend half with my mom and half with my dad and we'd usually travel for most of it. To one home country or the other. And, if we stayed, then I'd go out and play with my friends and stay up all night watching movies and tv shows. It didn't matter what I did because I was free to do anything I wanted. 

Nowadays, summer only makes me sad and melancholic. It doesn't mean holidays and fun anymore. I'm not free to do anything except for maybe a week in the middle of July. Summer's only the season before fall. It doesn't mean anything. Whatever I do, I could be doing the same thing at any other time of the year. I can't feel happy about it. I try but I can't. And, sure, I have plans this summer. I'll see my friends, travel and go to shows. But, as I said, I could be doing all of this in april or in september, too. My vacation plans aren't summer-oriented. I wish I could just go to the beach for a month straight. Forget about everything else in my life. Seeing the sun and feeling the sand under my feet would save me. But I can't go to the beach. I can't travel for more than a week. I'm not allowed to make plans and, even if I was, I have no money to do so. Life sucks when you're some unemployed twenty-something with no money to your name. 

This summer, I'll wear shorts and t-shirts because I don't like how I feel in my body anymore. I'll work for a month in a museum and it'll be great but it won't feel like summer. I'll see my friends and we'll have fun. I'll listen to songs that make me feel like I'm not wasting my youth even if I already feel like I'm doomed. I'll read love stories and watch silly movies. I'll throw a great birthday party to myself (the last supper-themed) and celebrate with all my friends. And then summer will be over. Just like that. In a flash. And I'll be sad and melancholic once again and I'll feel like I did nothing. 

The truth is, I envy people who can still love summer. Who make the most of it. The people wearing pretty sundresses and going on vacations. Enjoying their youth while they still can. While I'm sitting at my desk, mourning something I have not lost yet. 

I fear that things will be like that for the rest of my life. Little moments of happiness lost in months-long sorrows. 

Today is the first day of june. The start of the summer. I'm sitting alone in my room and it's cloudy outside. My summer clothes are still in the basement and my room's messy. It's going to rain all week and I don't know how I'll dress for my internship since I can't wear any of my pants because I gained weight. I just hope this summer will be good enough so I don't feel sad too much. Please.