Pride

Unlike many people, I don't really remember how I felt when I realized I wasn't straight. Maybe because it had become kind of a running joke amongst my friends and me. I repeatedly said I didn't like girls but then proceeded to act as if I liked girls and they just nodded, knowing well-enough I'd find out by myself sooner or later. 

When the time came and I felt the need to come out, saying something along the lines of "Hi, I like girls, I might be bisexual, bye", every single one of my friends at the time told me they already knew. Every single one of them without missing. And, deep down, I knew too. But I never thought about it because my family didn't talk about stuff like that. Well, my sister once asked me, when I was twelve, if I liked girls but it was only because I never told her about any of my crushes and she guessed it was because I might be queer. It wasn't the case at the time, though. I just never talked about any of my crushes with anyone. My dad used to say pretty hardcore homophobic stuff, too. Hiding behind his culture or whatever. But he was just a first class scumbag. 

So, yeah, I was eighteen when I came out on my private twitter account to most of my friends. But some people still didn't knew and, I don't know why, I felt like I needed to hide it from them. Not for any reason in particular but to have a secret, maybe. And thus, I never said anything about it anymore to anyone. Well, I talked about my bisexuality but more in the sense where I was loving girls openly and not saying "I'm bisexual". I celebrated pride month by putting the little pride flag thing on my twitter icon and yearned for a girlfriend. Over the time, most people picked it up. Nowadays, I talk about it quite openly. I don't really hide the fact that I'm queer except to my family. Even if I'm pretty sure my mom and sister both know. But as I said, we don't talk about that kind of stuff. 

It's been six years since my "coming out" and I don't think it really changed anything in my life. I love women yes and? I never went out with anyone, never kissed or held hands with anyone. No matter their gender. In six years, my life changed a lot and I went through many hardships but never found the true love I was yearning for. Currently, I don't see myself in a relationship even if I still yearn for it. But I love more the idea of love than the realization. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm not aromantic solely because I'm so scared of commitment but then I remember I love romance and I wish for it. It's just not the time. Also, it's been a very long time since I last met new people and it's also part of the problem. I can't get a girlfriend if I don't meet girls. And there's also the fact that I don't really see myself going out with a man. The only men I have in my close circle are my brothers so it might be a reason as for why men don't really interest me. I don't know men. But I'm not sure I want to know men. And, yes, I've read the lesbian masterdoc. I don't see myself in it, thought. I'm still a bisexual. I'm still all alone. I have crushes on fictional characters and celebrities but, in the real life, I'd like to get a girlfriend more than a boyfriend. I'm not sure if my ramble makes any sense but I feel like it's good to share these kind of thoughts. Because we all have different experiences with our sexualities and genders identities. I think Pride Month is made so we can celebrate the people who allowed us to be so free with our queerness, like Marsha P. Johnson, but also so we can share our stories. And I salute everyone strong enough to guide us. I might not be really an activist but I'll fight for us whenever I have to, in my own way. I never really know what to say because I'm afraid of saying something wrong. I think these kind of discussion can be a bit unproductive if you're talking to someone who doesn't share your opinion. People are really sensitive about their beliefs when it comes to queerness. Some people even dislike the term queer. Personally, I find it's a great way to put everything under one word. LGBTQI+ is also good but it feels less natural for me to use it. Also, I'm never sure if I had to add other letters or not... And I'm not saying this in the bigoted way like "alphabet people" but more in the sense where I want to do it good but since I'm not sure if there are any other identities that should be there, I prefer using "queer". I hope this won't offence anyone! It's the last thing I'd want. I'm just trying to express myself. But, as always when I try to talk about queerness, everything feels awkward and a bit corny. Probably because I'm not used to discuss these kind of things. I read about it and keep myself informed but I'm not usually using my own voice. I prefer share others' voices and help them be heard. 

Anyway, I'd just like to wish a happy Pride Month to anyone passing by!